Thoughts and rambling

Changes

2012-01-13T19:54:00.001Z

I haven’t blogged in ages, so I thought it is about time I posted something as a bit of a catch up. I could make excuses about being busy at work, Christmas and various other things preventing me blog. But I think nearer to the truth is that I met someone a while ago (they do seem to take up all your time, these men creatures don’t they?). I just told him tonight that I blogged and that I am going to do it again and mention him. So, there you go Mick (@DangerM1ck), consider yourself mentioned.

Mick has been on the fringes of my life for years, he knows my brother and as we have got to know each other more we have realised he knows a lot of people I do, our paths may have crossed numerous times (it is complicated). Funny how things happen. We chatted a little at a party months ago and then added each other on facebook. Since then we chatted online about Edinburgh Fringe (he hasn’t been yet) and my love of comedy amongst various other things and then he joined me at a Dave Gorman gig… and you can guess the rest.

So, we have been going out 3 months and have decided to move in together. More accurately, he is moving into my house. I’m well aware that some people would think that 3 months is a bit soon, but to be honest I don’t care. I don’t see him much now as he lives miles away and works 12 hour shifts, then he has his children two nights a week. We want to see each other more than once a week, we are both in our 30s so we are taking the plunge. We have nothing to lose.

I kind of glossed over the kids thing there, didn’t I? People who know me will be aware that although I quite like kids (I have loads of nieces and nephews and godchildren), I don’t have any urgent plans to spawn one. But it seems I have inherited some regular contact with a couple of them. Surprisingly, it is not as terrifying as I thought it would be. They are cool kids, one of them even likes zombies as much as I do. We are awesome. So for now I get part time kids in my life, a good practice run for if I do ever get hit by that broody feeling I reckon, and then I can still be a drunk idiot chatting on twitter the rest of the time or trek around the country to see stupid comedy shows.

But the one thing that got to me in the last few days was, as it always is, was a little thing. I have realised that this time is not like when I have lived with idiot boyfriends before… things go wrong and you cry and get drunk for a couple of weeks, brush yourself off and start again. This time is different, I have had to make some changes… well one little pathetic change. I had to take down my comedy wall! Yes my comedy wall is no more.

Ok, I know it was just a load of posters and flyers on my spare room wall, but I didn’t realise until I was taking it down how attached to it I was. There was a tear in my eye, A TEAR! I packed away the last three years of comedy fun times into a neat little box and put them under the bed. It was like saying goodbye to that part of my life. I have been single a long time and occupied myself by meeting various tweeters and seeing a shit load of comedy and then sticking reminders of it up on the wall. Now I am going to be doing “couples stuff” and maybe even “family stuff”, I am becoming a proper grown up!

Ok, it isn’t as dramatic as that. I have already booked to go to Edinburgh Fringe this year and Mick is coming with me. We have booked a couple of comedy gigs together locally too and of course I can still go on my comedy travels and meet up with tweeters and good friends. Mick can either come with me or leave me to it, he certainly would never ask me to stop, it is what I do (he does want to come and meet everyone and was jealous of my recent trips to see Uncaged Monkeys and 9 Lessons and Carols for Godless People). The beginning of a relationship is not going to mean the end of my independence, just a few tweaks and adjustments. Plus this year the Olympics mean I won’t get as many London fun times anyway as the price of everything will rocket and then it will be even more full of tourists to get in my way, not that appealing to me.

Change is a good thing… now that I have calmed down after putting all of the junk I had collected into a box, and my house looks much more tidy (ready for the destruction when the kids are here!). I am excited about Mick moving in and the comedy fun times we will have together. We even have the same taste in cheesy rock (and other good music), so I am sure we will have lots of adventures this year. So there you go, I am happy, now you know.

A Role Model?

2011-10-08T15:43:00.001+01:00

I had a drunken chat on twitter last night which has led me to think about this particular topic, but in all honesty I think my opinion remains the same now that I am sober. I said the following on twitter “Who ever has hid my lighter please give it back. I know smoking is bad but now is not the time.” which led to friendly banter and the statement that has given birth to this blog “… but you are a role model!”. For those of you that don’t know I am a mental health nurse.

This kind of statement can get me really annoyed (although not in this case as I was chatting to a friend). Do all health care professionals have to strive to be the healthiest they can in order to achieve the role model status? Honestly, I think it is bollocks. I think health care professionals are human beings like everyone else, so they have bad habits, some drink, some smoke, some don’t exercise and some have an appalling diet. Does this mean they are failing their profession? Would you change your mind about your GPs opinion if you found out he/she smoked?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think those that work in health care should be an example of poor health or an alcoholic or drug addict (although I know some people do develop these unfortunate habits, it often means the end of their professional career). But we should be allowed to be just like everyone else. Of course I know I should quit smoking, in fact I know it is the single best thing I could do for my health. I was a trained smoking cessation advisor, I was the lead in this role at my last place of work. When I tell people this they call me a hypocrite, I guess in a way I am. But I am very honest with the service users (in mental health we are not supposed to use the word patient), I applaud them at being ready to take up the challenge of quitting smoking, and if they are successful brilliant, unfortunately I have failed at this task several times. It is after all an addiction, just because I am a nurse and well informed about the dangers and how to go about quitting does not make me magic or have superpowers, I still have the cravings and habit to get rid of and it isn’t easy. The service users I have discussed this with respect my honesty and that I can fail at something while supporting them to achieve it, I understand how hard it can be. The other part to smoking cessation within mental health is that it can be more complicated than just stopping, it can affect sleep, mood, mental state and absorption of some medications, so having mental health staff trained to support service users through the process is much more than just helping them beat the cravings.

When I applied to be trained there was a debate within the trust, the difficulty was that a lot of mental health staff smoked, so by not allowing any of them to train we would be very limited in who could offer the support to the service users on the wards. I remember a conversation with someone very senior to me and she said “Fat people run obesity clinics.”, she is right. I’m sure the nurses that work on the wards that have the detox service users still go home at the weekend and have a nice glass of wine or three (I would be worried if they went home and had heroin though),

The key to providing good health care in my opinion is having the knowledge and skills to provide information and support. But as much as I know I should have a slightly lower BMI, exercise more and although I know my diet is quite healthy most of the time, the huge bags of crisps are a bit wrong; this does not mean I cannot advise others aim to do all of these things. I am honest when I teach at my healthy living group, I tell them I can’t give up the crisps and cheese, they are my bad habits. But I am also realistic in my expectations of them. I don’t expect the service users I see to instantly meet all of the NHS targets like 5 A Day (fruit/Vegetables) or five 30 minute sessions of moderate intensity exercise a week, as these are ideals. They are targets. So I encourage service users to make those small changes that will hopefully lead to the bigger ones and eventually improve their health. To walk for 10 minutes, to switch to wholegrain bread, to cut down on the cigarettes and alcohol. I can do all this with a clean conscience because this is what I do. I don’t expect to be perfect, that saintly “role model”. I signed up to be a mental health nurse because I want to help people, not because I am better than anyone else, so I can show them how it is done. In the last few years I have changed my diet dramatically and have fit exercise into my daily routine, I have had many failed attempts at quitting smoking, but I have taken small steps and I have cut down. So I am not a hypocrite just because I smoke and I like a drink as I never set out to be the perfect role model for anyone. My bad habits do not affect my ability to do my job. I provide a service and that is often to educate and support people, just because I have the knowledge it does not mean I have the willpower to use it. We are all only human.

Thanks for reading, feel free to comment, disagree or wish you had the last couple of minutes of your life back.

Edinburgh Fringe 2011–Thoughts

2011-08-29T20:34:00.001+01:00

I’d better point out from the start that this will not be a review of all the shows I saw (there were 40 I think, I may list them at the bottom). I did plan to write a journal like I did last year, so that I could keep a record of my thoughts and the shows, this year I managed two days. After that it felt like a chore and that I was missing out on some fun times, so I decided to not bother and do it this way instead. So what I am saying is that this blog is really for me to reflect on the whole experience of my 9 days in Edinburgh.

There will inevitably be some moaning in this, but I need to point out from the off that I had a really great time, I just found some things really irritated me too. It doesn’t help that I am used to living alone and am one of those people who likes to do certain things certain ways, I realise this is my problem, so I am aware that it is often my own self imposed rules that leads to such frustration but I don’t think that the mixture of little sleep and lots of booze helped me to cope with these (mostly) minor grumbles. But I’ll get to those later.

People

First things first, for me the best part of the fringe after the actual shows is the people. I love that having been up here for the last two years and having met so many people through twitter I now use this time to see people who I consider to be friends. I do also enjoy meeting more tweeters for the first time, although one or two can be a little odd (I’ll get to that later). Yet at the same time I did find that Edinburgh can be a bit of a lonely place, even though you are constantly surrounded by people. I think it is because I was there alone, although staying with and meeting many friends, there was no one person who saw everything I did, someone to get excited with and chat in detail about our shared experience (this may be that I’ve been single too long). Those moments were fleeting as I was busy meeting up with some great people at shows and bars all week. I think I do sympathise with the comedians who are in Edinburgh all month, I see why they do meet up with fans/friends in bars so much, it is for the company (and booze of course).

*WARNING – The next two paragraphs are grumpy, skip them if you want the happy version of my fringe experience.

I did get to say hello to a few comedians over a cup of tea or a pint or two, which was lovely and something I always see as an added bonus having seen them perform. I did not spend my week in Edinburgh stalking acts to drink with. It sounds harsh, and I know some acts love the attention and encourage it, which is fine but it is not for me. I’ll send a message or say hello after a show (usually as arranged before hand as I am quite shy sometimes) and perhaps suggest a drink, if they say no or don’t respond then leave it. I do worry that some people forget that the comedians are not there to entertain the audiences ALL THE TIME. They are allowed to switch off and have a life, this may or may not include spending time with fans/friends (I’ll get to that definition in a minute). I saw before I left for the fringe that Al Murray had tweeted that he had been in the Pleasance Courtyard having a beer and chatting with a friend when a fan grabbed him by the shoulder and turned him around to talk to him. How fucking rude! But sadly not rare. I think I go to the other end of the spectrum, I have at times been told off for not saying hello as I hide in the corner waiting for an opportune moment to interrupt. It is why I didn’t say hello to Michael Legge for ages (that and I thought he might be a bit scary… he isn’t). It isn’t the acts who want to hang out with fans that annoy me, that’s fine, if it floats your boat, but it is the people who think they have a right to follow and actively hunt comedians down and try to insert themselves into their lives when it is not wanted, and often down right creepy.

This brings me to my early footnote of the definition of fan/friend. Yes, lines do sometimes get blurred over time but some people need to realise that just because you’ve said hello to a comedian/act a couple of times after a show or chatted on twitter, it does not make you “friends”, or allow you the rights that friends have to invade privacy. I’m not saying that over time such contacts can’t grow into friendship, it is possible. But it is also likely that you will remain a long time fan; someone who an act appreciates for their dedication and help with promotion, a friendly face at difficult gig, a giver of weird and sometimes creepy gifts, this interaction is needed and often welcomed but there are boundaries. What worries me is that some people don’t seem to realise this. The way I think of it is if something happened and I needed someone to turn to, who would it be? For example, I got mugged in Edinburgh and was staying alone, who would I ring for help? Would it be the comedian I had beers with that afternoon? Probably not, as lovely as they can be, they already have enough troubles to deal with during the fringe, I’d ring one of the lovely tweeters I have got to know through meeting at gigs and then spending actual time together, emailing, arranging to go to things together… a proper friend (or of course a friend from home if they were up). I’m not saying a comedian wouldn’t help, they might but it is a line I don’t think I’d be comfortable crossing, think of it from their point of view, if by some freak coincidence 100 of their fans all had problems during the fringe they would go insane. There are exceptions to the rules of course and yes I know people do become friends with comedians, but I think it is more likely to happen if you show people respect for their personal boundaries, don’t expect it to happen and see it as an added bonus that not only do you appreciate their work but they like you as a person (after some time). Rant over.

I did meet some tweeters who, even thinking about it now on my way home on a train, I am smiling at the thought of them. It is sometimes a bit nerve wrecking wondering if the tweeter matches my expectations/idea f them from our online conversations. This year, a couple of them exceeded such expectations and one disappointed me (not in a particularly bad way, just very bad manners). I’m not naming names, they know who they are and we know we will see each other again for more fun times.

Food

Last year during the fringe I had a bit of a broken moment through lack of sleep, decent food and lots of booze. I had decided to try to be more sensible this year, I’d planned my accommodation so that I had some privacy and hopefully some sleep, my schedule was not as busy (40 shows in 9 days instead of 60 in 14), I only booked 3 late night shows and had a plan to eat well. To be honest I didn’t do bad at all. I averaged about 6 hours of sleep a night, I didn’t have any hangovers as I kept my drinking under check and I ate VERY well.

I must recommend my favourite places to eat firstly Mums (they have no apostrophe in the restaurant name and it is killing me just typing it, they do a slanty s but it is not the same). This place was recommended on twitter by Lizzie Roper and I went twice, their bangers and mash was awesome (5 types of sausage to choose from, daily specials, 14 types of mash and three types of gravy) and while there I saw a pie and had to return to try one… wow, just go. Secondly, a favourite from last year, Elephants and Bagels, the place is quirky and the food is great what more could you ask for. I also recommend the Big Daddy Nacho bowl in the Gilded Balloon, 4 of us polished it off without much trouble but with less people it would be difficult (there is a Big Momma Nacho bowl for vegetarians). I also had one final visit to Tempting Tattie which has now sadly closed. I often had a hog roast sandwich from Oink for breakfast (well it was usually after lunchtime when I actually got around to getting food).

Pubs

I had more free time this year so went to some bars with friends, so here are a few I like. Banshee Labyrinth on Niddry Street, it is a free fringe venue and a rock pub, supposedly haunted… blah blah blah. But I like the building, even if it is a little warm sometimes, it is open until 5am during the fringe. Bannerman’s on Cowgate, is just around the corner and again, it is a free fringe venue and rock bar, but a great place to hang out. Halfway House on Fleshmarket is Edinburgh’s smallest pub, you have to go there, but be warned the ladies toilet is smaller than an aeroplane one.

One of my friends is a bit of a beer buff, so we had to visit the new Brew Dog pub on Cowgate, it is locally brewed but they also sell numerous other speciality beers as well as their famous Sink the Bismark at 41%. I would have liked to try a fruity ale, but not at £10 a pint. It is a great bar if you are into that type of thing (and you can buy shares while there).

Do’s and Don’ts

In no particular order, here are my tips for Edfringe (and to remind me of some of them for next year).

DON’T – Walk slowly in the middle of the pavement on your own, or especially in groups! If you have to walk slowly, walk to the side so that people in a rush can get past you, and don’t block the pavement in a big group, go single file on s narrow street.
DO – Take an umbrella, poncho, coat or rain hat. Edinburgh is a bit of a twat for looking gloriously sunny one minute and then like the storm at the end of the world the next. You may look a bit silly in a poncho but the disposable ones I had at the bottom of my bag came in handy.
DON’T – Make noise during a show. Just because you don’t get it, can’t decide what to have for tea or are a general cunt, I paid to see the show, so shut the fuck up. This also counts for fiddling with sweet wrappers, rummaging in your bag, texting (with tones on) and the worst offender tapping. Just stop or leave.
DO – Queue properly. There is an etiquette to this and I am aware there is some debate on the subject, so here is my opinion. A popular/busy show may start queuing half an hour or more before the beginning of the show, if you want good seats get there early. Saving a seat/place in the queue for one, maybe two friends is fine, we all run late and want to sit with people we know. Do not expect to turn up at the last minute and jump to the front of the queue with loads of friends, it is twatty and rude. Saving seats depends on the venue, I personally don’t think it is on to save the front row for all of your friends if other people queued early for good seats, if no one wants the front row then fine. You do sometimes have to choose between queuing early for good seats or sitting with friends.
DON’T – Interrupt. There is something about Edinburgh fringe where people forget their manners. If you see someone you know, wave or catch their attention, but then wait until they have finished talking to who they are already talking to, hover nearby. Be polite to the other person already chatting. If you can’t wait, then gesture that you have to go and do so.
DO – Book tickets early, you never know who is going to be popular and sell out before you get around to getting a ticket. Of course some big names always sell out, so I tend to buy those as soon as they go on sale. However, it is worth noting that depending on the venue sometimes additional tickets are released 2 hours to 20 minutes prior to the show, this is because most shows have press tickets and if they are not allocated they are put back on sale. Some venues may keep these for venue pass holders to use, but it is worth asking just in case.

Random Moments

Finally, I’ll finish with some random moments that made my fringe (or were just random).

Apparently I can be a bit cuddly when I sleep as Sarah found out (@GooseCG), but I bet she misses it now.
I am not scary to say hello to unless it is done rudely, then I will ignore you. But I did almost laugh in a lads face when he said “You are nwoolhouseuk “King of the Podophiles!”, I did point out I am a girl which makes me Queen. The podcast stuff does sometimes seem weird, but then I have made some great friends through it.
Camera Obscura is awesome! It is near the castle entrance. Take a camera and a friend and have fun. Lots of optical illusions and lots of stairs (97 I think). It is only a tenner and takes about an hour and a half to go around.
Drunk comedians on stage are not always great but sometimes it makes for awesome moments. This is the risk and fun of late shows.
Do The Right Thing Podcast was really good, go and watch the recordings next month at The Phoenix on Cavendish Square in London and download them all when they are released.
And I’ll finish with the list of everything I saw, ask me about them if you want any more information. Thom Tuck, Dead Cat Bounce, Do The Right Thing (podcast recording), Pointless Anger Righteous Ire 2 (Robin Ince and Michael Legge), Stewart Lee, David O’Doherty, Anyone For Tennis, Do The Right Thing (another episode), Joanna Neary, Colin Hoult, David Reed, Carey Marx, Karaoke Circus, Andrew Lawrence, James Acaster, Karaoke Circus (again), Jon Richardson, Nick Helm, Jigsaw (Thomas Craine, Nat Luurtsema and Dan Antopolski), Zoe Lyons, Frisky and Mannish, Karaoke Circus (again), Tiernan Douieb, The Adventurer’s Club (Tiernan Douieb and Sir Tim Fitzhigham), Ellis James, Rich Hall, Taskmaster 2, Tara Flynn, Humphrey Ker, Richard Herring, Mark Olver, Sammy J and Randy, Rich Fulcher, Horne Section, Jason Cook, Chris Cox, Pete Firman, Barry & Stuart – Show, Barry & Stuart – Tell.

Thanks for reading if you did, it was very long. Feel free to comment, ask questions or not.

Edinburgh Fringe 2011 – #Edinburghpicks

2011-06-21T19:58:00.001+01:00

I have said it before, but it is worth pointing out again, that I am no reviewer of comedy. But I am excited to be going to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival again this year and thought I’d share some of my excitement. This will not be an inclusive list of who I am seeing (I plan to see 40-50 shows) but a few of the shows I am most looking forward to and why. I have decided to see some new (to me) acts this year, so if you have any comments/reviews of them do let me know.

(There are hyperlinks to their edfringe.com page if you click on their names if highlighted).

Firstly it has to be one of my favourite events… (the rest are not necessarily in order of preference)

Karaoke Circus

Even if you are not a fan of karaoke (I am not usually), I can guarantee that this is a fun night. And this year there are three, 22nd – 24th August. For those who don’t know karaoke circus is obviously a karaoke night, but with a difference. For a start there is a live band. Martin White, Danielle Ward, Foz Foster and David Reed will accompany comedians and audience members as they sing their hearts out. The performances will be judged by Dan Tetsell and The Baron. Everything is taken with a pinch of salt, the songs can be funny, tragic or brilliant but the atmosphere is what does for me on this night. No matter how well/wrong the performances go the audience is 100% behind the person on stage. I have in the past at London/Edinburgh KC seen Robin Ince, Michael Legge, Jim Bob, Tim Vine, Josie Long, The Penny Dreadfuls, Pappys, Al Murray, Andrew Collins just to name a few. I know Chris Addison has performed and I hope to see him do so this year. It is silly fun, there is beer and a cabaret style atmosphere. Certainly a late show I recommend to anyone lucky enough to be at the fringe for those dates (it starts at 1am by the way). Tickets are only available directly from the Pleasance website here.

Dead Cat Bounce

I have not seen this act before. I am planning to see them based purely on their fringe brochure description and that a friend has said I will enjoy them as much as I hope I will. COMEDY ROCK! The Independent said “Spinal Tap-esque Brilliance”, what more could you want? They are on at 10.30pm at the Pleasance Courtyard.

Jigsaw

What do you get if you put three great comedians I have seen before together in one room doing “smart, funny sketches” – jigsaw! This show has a trio of delight with the fabulous Dan Antopolski, Tom Craine AND Nat Luurtsema. Talk about value for money! They are on at 5.45pm at Pleasance Courtyard.

Joanna Neary

Having only seen Joanna Neary do short sets at Latitude and in London I was thrilled to find out that she is doing Edinburgh Fringe this year. This is a lady who knows how to do character comedy. I have seen Pans Person and her Sex Education Teacher, I can’t say anymore without spoiling it (she also stars in Ideal on BBC 3). Just trust me and go and see her at The Stand Comedy Club V at 3.50pm.

Chris Cox

The mind reader who can’t read minds. I saw his show Mind Over Patter and was frustratingly but happily confused and left wondering how he did that. Check him out on youtube or on his website here. Fatal Distraction promises to be mind blowing fun, on at Pleasance Dome at 7.10pm.

Barry and Stuart

While on the subject of magic/illusionists/mentalists, I have to point out that Barry and Stuart have not one, but two shows this year at the fringe. Entitled Show and Tell, the first (The Show) will be a great and usually gory magic show at 10.15pm at Udderbelly Pasture. The second show (The Tell) follows at midnight where they reveal al the secrets behind the show. Finally we will get some answers! (Note there is a discount if you book the show and the tell, look on The show dates for details).

Tara Flynn

Is a very talented lady and is truly spoiling us this year, bringing us her show Big Noise to the Voodoo Rooms at 5.05pm for FREE! See her funny, twisted and bizarre songs and then go and buy the album from iTunes. Do it!

Colin Hoult

A hilarious character comedian who I saw on a whim last year having seen him in Gutted the musical. I was so glad I did. He must be the next big thing, His characters are diverse and the whole show draws you in a flies by (well it did last year). I can’t wait to see more. On at 7.05pm at Pleasance Courtyard.

Pointless Anger, Righteous Ire 2: Back in the Habit

This show was so good that I went twice last year, and it is different every time. See two forty something year old men rant about what is wrong with the world today and then let them decide if your anger is pointless or righteous. Lots of fun and lots of shouting. Don’t let them try to put you off seeing this show. On at The Stand V at 2.35pm (I have booked this one already, it sold out last year).

I was disappointed this year that I wouldn’t get to see either The Penny Dreadfuls or Pappys do their sketch shows, however all is not lost. All three Penny Dreadfuls are doing solo shows which I plan to see with very high hopes. Thom Tuck Goes Straight to DVD, David Reed Shamblehouse and Humphrey Ker is Dymock Watson – Nazi smasher. I am also thankful that Matthew Crosby is bringing us Adventureparty.

I plan to follow a few recommendations from friends this year as well as seeing many of my favourite acts. Some of those new to me are Carey Marx, Nick Helm (although I’ve seen a short set), Mark Olver and Tony Law (If I manage to get up that early, it starts at midday). Plus a few more.

Oh and make sure you check out Skeptics on the Fringe for some great free events including Devil’s Advocate the panel game show and special events such a ghost walks and space talks (see their FB page for more information).

It is going to be a busy few days.

Love online?

2011-05-11T19:44:00.001+01:00

I’ve just watched Catfish, which if you didn’t see it was a documentary about a man who thought he’d fell in love with a woman over facebook and found something else entirely (I won’t spoil it in case you want to watch it). Anyway it got me thinking about finding love on the internet, so I thought it was time for a bit of a ramble.

I love chatting to people online and of course I would really like to fall in love with a wonderful man, but can these two things really happen together for me? I think there are very obvious positives and negatives to looking for love online.

So, let’s get the obvious stuff out of the way, you have to BE CAREFUL! I’d like to think that nowadays people have a bit of common sense and don’t give out too many personal details too soon and if they do arrange to meet, they do so in a public place and people know where they are and who they are meeting. There are unfortunately some weirdos out there, and I certainly wouldn’t want them turning up at my door unannounced.

But there are benefits to meeting people virtually… in person I am initially shy (depending if the alcohol is flowing). The detachment of chatting to someone on twitter, facebook or even by email means I can consider my reply without the pressure of social graces and the need for such speed. But both virtually and in person, once I get chatting I don’t really shut up. This means I tend to get on with other people who also like to talk a lot. In my opinion, however or where ever you chat with someone, the more you do so the closer you can get. Of course if chat remains superficial then so does the relationship, but close friends and even more can come from getting to know someone online.

There is one problems with getting to know someone in this way, they may be lying about everything, saying what they think you want to hear. They may not look like you think they do. I certainly pick a more flattering photo as my profile picture online than my current tied back hair and no make-up look. And in this there is an element of risk. It is easy to begin to emotionally invest in a friendship or relationship online to find that either the other person did not have the same intentions or that it was all a load of bull… a game to them. I do prefer to be less pessimistic and hope that most people are generally honest when the chat gets more personal. It is certainly what I have found so far. Don’t get me wrong, I know some people have a very different online persona or even a character, but in the private tweets and messages, most people I have chatted to have been lovely. I have made loads of new friends in the last couple of years, and have spent time with many of them in person. Of course I have met one or two people who appeared to different or perhaps really shy in person that chatting so freely in reality was difficult. Sometimes online friends should remain just that.

So, in my usual rambling way… I think perhaps you can get close to someone online, but the proof is when you actually meet face to face. You need to find out if beyond initial nerves you really get on with someone, let alone if you could love them. It is all to easy to get carried away with the idea of someone from virtual contact, but remember you tend to only get the good stuff online. We all have bad habits and flaws. I do like the idea of having got past the first date anxiety of not knowing anything about someone. I’d hope if I did end up dating someone I met online at least we’d know what to talk about in person, surely that would be easier?

The main benefit to “meeting” people online whether for love or friendship for me is that you do get to meet a variety of like-minded people from all over the world. Surely your chances of finding love or great friendships are increased by that alone? I can’t say I’ve met that many people in my local area who have similar interests to me (with some exceptions of course, including at Skeptics in the Pub). The “all over the world” part can be an issue if you are looking for love, but I’m sure rarely it does happen and is overcome.

I guess my conclusion is that I’d hope I could find love online, but even I would have to remember to not get carried away with the initial excitement of getting along on line, reality does not always measure up. One day, I hope it does.

(I really hope this doesn’t sound like I am actively hunting for love online? I’m just saying it is possible to find it, and I’m single so I’m keeping it open as an option of where I might meet someone. I could just as easily meet the man of my dreams in the supermarket tomorrow, you never know).

Camden Comedy Crawl Weekend

2011-05-02T15:26:00.001+01:00

I am not a reviewer in any way, but I wanted to write something about this weekend more as a way for me to remember it. I managed to not take a single photo. So here is the run down and my thoughts on my weekend in London at the Comedy Crawl.

I stayed with a lovely friend Rob for the weekend, we’d arranged that I should come down in the afternoon as we couldn’t get our wristbands until 5pm. However, on the journey down there were one or two confusing tweets from comedians I follow saying they would be on in the afternoon for comedy crawl. This must just be a part of Camden crawl? I thought, comedy crawl ticket holders can’t see they daytime events can they? The confusion began early, and got worse later on.

Let’s get the rant out of the way first, then the happy bits to finish…

Many people had asked the Comedy Crawl organisers for line ups and times for each venue so that we could plan what we could see, frustratingly we were not given one until we collected our wristband on they day. A couple of other websites released timetables but we were unsure of their accuracy. I do think many regular comedy fans would given the Comedy Crawl a miss because of this, and I don’t blame them. I don’t get much chance to see many of the acts billed so happily saw a mix, but for Londoners who can see many of the acts any day of the week, they’d need to be able to timetable to see who they wanted to and make it worth the £35 entrance fee. Here’s where it got even more annoying… we collected our “Official Programme” and immediately noticed problems. It was very inaccurate. So we asked at a venue to find out that the information on the “Official Programme” was from months ago, so of course everything had changed since then. With no update from the Comedy Crawl on their website and a programme not worth the paper it was printed on we were very annoyed and tried to plan who to see with very limited and inaccurate information. Oh, then we got more annoyed when one of the promoters told us that they expected comedy crawl ticket holders to be able to see the daytime comedy which had been on since 2pm… we missed hours of comedy! (Don’t worry it does get better). The last frustrating part of the whole event was some of the venues and how they were managed. Running alongside the Camden Crawl there were many people there for the music and the booze. If the organisers had an ounce of sense they would have realised that letting drunk music fans into venues where there was comedy on was not a great idea. Particularly in the Knock2bag venue The Wheelbarrow you could barely hear the acts even when sat 3 feet away thanks to the people chatting at the bar. The security staff seemed to have different rules in each venue, at Belushi’s for instance where Fat Tuesday were the hosts the security were great and didn’t let really what they drunk people in and kept it a comedy only venue, which made for a great atmosphere. It just all seemed… unplanned, like they hadn’t even thought it through. I really felt sorry for the promoters and acts who were dealt such a difficult hand and did the best they could with what they had.

The good bit..

Despite all of the problems we did manage to see some acts on the first night, and by the second day we knew we could see the daytime acts and each venue put their line up on the venue doors, so we were able to plan. I was not impressed with Comedy Crawl tweeting that we could see daytime acts with the hashtag #Winning, WTF? How is it winning when most of the people attending don’t even know they can come 5 hours early unless they follow the twitter feed? They still didn’t update the website or post up to date programmes anywhere.

So here’s who I saw (I am not reviewing the acts but will put the odd comment to remind myself who I want to see again).

Saturday

Knock2bag @The Wheelbarrow

William Andrews - an act I hadn’t seen before but will definitely see again, fun use of an MP3 player.

Colin Hoult – Great to see the Andy Parker character again although I was hoping to see some new material, it was perfectly understandable why he didn’t try it in such a noisy and difficult room.

Arnab Chanda – Self depricating comedy can be funny, he just wasn’t for me. Although it was a difficult room, I don’t really appreciate being given permission to laugh by the act. Did not go down well.

Cardinal Burns – Sketch comedy, not mind blowing for me but enjoyable.

Delete The Banjax – Struggled being off microphone with all of the noise in the room. You could see they were not that comfortable. But still I did enjoy the songs and would see them again.

By this time the noise was unbearable and we decided to try another venue, so off to

Really Lovely Comedy @Camden Head

This was a dedicated room upstairs for the gig, which meant an audience that actually listened and watched the acts. It was a very hot room at times, but that just reminded me of Edinburgh fringe. The MCs coped well with people moving in and out of the room between acts, it just could have done with being double the size as often friends could not get in as it was too busy.

William Andrews – We didn’t know he was also doing this venue, but I was glad I saw him again so soon as the different venue made a big difference. He took the act a lot further, appeared more relaxed particularly thanks to his hands free invention.

Luke Benson – Didn’t go down very well.

Get Comedy @ Lock 17

This venue was packed and had the noisy people at the bar problem and seemed to have a higher ratio of drunk twats in it. I did not enjoy being pushed and leaned on.

Tiffany Stevenson – Was as always really good, a great solid set and coped well with the noisy room. I have now seen the leopard print trousers… I wish I hadn’t.

I couldn’t cope with the drunk arguments going on around me so decided to leave and miss Matt Kirshen and Abandoman which was a shame. We even struggled to get out of the building it was so busy, luckily one of the security staff let us sneak out the back way.

Fat Tuesday @Belushi’s

Hal Cruttenden – We arrived just in time to catch most of his set and I was glad I did. What was more amazing was being in a venue where the audience were paying attention.

I said hello to a rather drunk Tiernan Douieb and then had a few more drinks and rants with Neal, Andy, Anna, Kerri and Rob.

Sunday

We arrived early in the afternoon to try and get some line ups and have brunch. This plan worked well, we managed to find out enough information (with no help from Comedy Crawl organisers) to be able to have a list of comedians we might actually get to see. I do love a good plan and chips for breakfast.

Fat Tuesday and Old Rope @Belushi’s

Not that we knew what was on every where else, but that line up in this venue was brilliant, so we parked our arses and settle in for the afternoon. With Tiernan Douieb the audience was well looked after allowing time for drinks and comfort break while he kept things moving and the rest of the room entertained.

Marek Larwood – The first time I had seen him live and a brilliant character, very funny and energetic with loads of crowd interaction. This is one of those acts I’d love to see more of.

Bethany Black – A Mancunian goth lesbian… I think that was how she described herself. She was very dark and went to those places you are not sure she should for an afternoon set, but I’m very glad she did.

Sir Tim Fitzhigham – I’d seen him at Fullmooners but was very happy to see more of his set and hear more of his tales of adventures in bathtubs.

Sarah Kendall – An Australian lady, a fun set a bit clumsy but funny.

Thom Tuck – Having only seen Thom as part of The Penny Dreadfuls I was excited to see some of his Straight to DVD #STDVD set. I will be seeing the full Edinburgh show, a must see.

Danielle Ward – Another act that I’d only seen as part of something else. She was dark and filthy as I’d expected even if a little distracted by Shappi Khorsandi’s child making a noise at the back of the room, “Does that child know what wanking into a bin means?”. Very funny.

Really Lovely Comedy @Camden Head

We just caught a bit of Sir Tim as we arrived, although this room had a few too many drunk people to appreciate his stories.

Frisky and Mannish – I’d seen them do a short set at 9 lessons and Carols for godless people and was thrilled to see more. I laughed so hard I nearly peed. I have to see more of this.

London Comedy Improv @ Theatro Technis

I had planned to see a few more acts at other venues, but having crammed so much into the afternoon I decided to devote the evening to London Comedy Improv. I’ve seen loads of positive feedback on twitter but had never made it down to one of their regular Wednesday night slots at The Phoenix.

The group was Michael Legge, Tara Flynn, Rufus Hound, Brendan Dempsey, John Voce, a brief visit from Tiernan Douieb and Kirsty Newton on keyboard.

I’m so glad I stayed, it may be difficult to describe but the games and the mix of people worked perfectly to keep me laughing all evening. The people who wandered in late when one of the sets had started were obviously confused not knowing the rules of the game being played at that time, with some people who didn’t stay to figure out what they had missed. Idiots!

The centipede expert and Michael shouting at John until he died were particular highlights. Brilliant, go and see them, they do it every month!

We finished the night with drinks, chats and giggles in a couple of bars, much happier to have had a day of laughter and much less of the stress of Saturday. Overall a great weekend spent with lovely friends and meeting more people. I’m already planning my next London trip.

Getting Some Perspective

2011-04-03T20:12:00.001+01:00

I’m not really sure what the point of this blog entry is, but I haven’t written one in a while and I seem to have done a lot of thinking in the last week or so. Usually writing my stream of thoughts out helps me to consolidate them. So here goes…

The Moaning Bit.

I had a bit of a bad weekend last week, when a number of things went wrong. I won’t list them all here in detail but I will say the accumulation of it all hit me pretty hard. A blossoming relationship didn’t turn out how I wanted it too and it seemed that everyone I knew was either seriously ill or facing tragedy. It was a shame because I’d had a fantastic couple of days in London meeting @PharmacistScott who was over from Canada and really relaxed following the start of my new job. My internet speed being rubbish did not help (it still isn’t fixed) as I can usually distract myself online. So I took myself off twitter for a bit and wallowed in self pity (it was a bit messy).

The More Cheerful Bit.

Thankfully I have some great friends and some of them people I have met through twitter who are very supportive and let me whinge privately and get it all out of my system. I still wasn’t feeling very sociable by the beginning of the week so remained a bit quiet and decided not to attend the Skeptics in The Pub debate on Monday night. But I am extremely grateful for the tweets, DMs and texts I received. You lot are ace. Thanks.

Getting Some Perspective.

As is often the case following a stressful time, I did a lot of thinking this week and got a bit of perspective. In the wallowing phase I doubted myself a lot (as is natural) and it didn’t help that my new job is rather stressful right now. I wondered if I had done the right thing taking on so much work in this new job, can I really do it? Then if the relationship ended because of me, my personality, my nerdiness or maybe I was too keen? I then felt incredibly guilty for even thinking all of that and feeling sorry for myself when other people I knew had faced illness and tragedy.

Finally I gave myself a kick up the arse and decided enough was enough. As I have mentioned in a previous blog, I am trying to be more honest. This should include being more honest with myself. So here is what I decided.

I like me, I like my nerdiness. I should not feel embarrassed about my interests, they are a part of who I am. Not everyone will share them but they don’t have too. And I think I am overall a pretty nice person. In fact a couple of weeks ago I told the man I was seeing that I am awesome (and a little vain), there was more to it than that but at the time just telling him I had respect for myself seemed to work. I don’t see why I shouldn’t think that. I like who I am am, at least some people do like me for it. I cannot start to doubt me for being me. I can change small aspects that I don’t like so much like being more honest and assertive (for the most part that is working rather well, saying what you think tends to get you answers quickly, even if they are not always the ones you wanted to hear). I may have been keen with the bloke I was seeing, but so what? If he liked me enough he would have been that way too. The beginning of a relationship should not be a battle, it should be easy and exciting.

I am good at my job, the stress is mostly not due to my skills but the volume of work I have to do, the new role I have to learn and the need to set up boundaries within the team. These are things that will come with time, so work will get better… eventually.

An finally, shit things happen to people. All I can do is be a good friend and support them as they do me in times of crisis. I did need to remind myself that things are not always that bad. Life is full of ups and downs. And I was right. A week later things are much better. I am less worried about the people I had concerns for. I am ready to face a new week of work, to rise to the challenge. I am single again, but perhaps we weren’t right for each other. One day I will meet someone special, so until then I need to keep living life and having fun (of course that will involve a great deal of comedy, tweet ups and nerdiness).

Thanks.

I don’t usually write such personal drivel, but I have found I do like the process. It does help me to think more clearly. I’m not sure how appropriate it is to post it publicly. I have discussed this with fellow bloggers and we all seem to doubt whether our thoughts are of interest to anyone. I have decided I don’t really mind who reads it or what they think of it. Some of my friends may be glad to hear thinks are ok now and in the past I enjoyed getting feedback and finding that people do/do not feel/think the same way as I do.

So, thanks for reading. Sorry if it was dull to you. If you have any feedback please post a comment/tweet me/DM me, or don’t.

Is honesty the best policy?

2011-02-15T20:19:00.001Z

I haven’t rambled for a while, so here we go.

Of course I am aware that the above question is too vague and the obvious answer is no. There are times when we all need our honesty filter on, to not hurt people’s feelings or cause offense.

As part of my job I have to tell white lies in order to protect my patients, it is part of creating unconditional positive regard.

However, the honesty I am thinking about is in general day to day life. I have found myself pushing such boundaries, forcing myself to be more honest. It is quite refreshing. Some examples may help you to understand what I mean…

- When asked if I want to go on a particular night out, I may usually give some excuse of not having enough money or anything nice to wear. When in fact I just might not fancy a night with that group of people. I have honestly told my close friends that I’d love to spend time with them but don’t fancy an awkward night with some people I don’t get on with so well. Or on another occasion I have just said, “no I fancy a weekend in my PJs, I’m tired and need to relax.” Why should I lie? My close friends know me and if I explain I don’t need to continue the lie and dig myself in any deeper. Have you ever said you had no money and then let slip you bought something nice? Lying can upset friends, me being lazy for a weekend may disappoint but it does not offend.

- I have been asked to take on new roles and do tasks which are unfamiliar to me. I have in the past, as I’m sure many people have said “Yeah, of course I’ll do that” and then panicked when I have realised I don’t have a clue what to do and got stressed. Recently I have bluntly said “Yes I will do the work, but someone needs to teach me what to do and help me if I get stuck”. Much more simple. I have found that I have been much more respected for it by senior colleagues and they have even put protocols in place so that I can turn to people for help and support.

- And finally the more scary one is being more honest about feelings. I’m not sure I am that good at this one but I am trying. It is often not that easy though, even telling someone you are annoyed with them can be tricky when they may not like the news. But I have decided it must be done, if things go unsaid they have a tendency to fester. But also there is the nice side of such things, telling someone you a grateful for their friendship or time, or that you like/love them can often go unsaid (By the way, I really disagree with people saying they love EVERYONE, that is a lie or it is not love. But that may be another blog). The act can be very scary and it can go wrong if such feelings are unrequited, but is it worth the risk? It has to be sometimes.

So I am starting small, I am going to try and be a more honest person. If I think someone is wearing something nice, I am going to tell them. I am going to tell a colleague if I think they have done a good job. And yes I will tell people when they have pissed me off, I can do it politely. I could even do it by text/email if I am not feeling that brave. I will say if I am struggling at work, or bored/lonely at home (I have been doing this one, the results are great so far, I have been given help and company, who’d have thought?). Being honest in the right place can make others feel happy too, admitting you have been shy/glad to meet someone in person can help them to admit the same.

Any thoughts on honesty? Have you tried being more honest lately?

Effing Fees

2011-01-15T21:28:00.001Z

I had a bit of a grumble on twitter yesterday as I had received my letter from the Nursing and Midwifery Council (NMC) asking for my annual fee of £76 to remain on the live register of nurses. I got lots of interesting discussion from some people on twitter about professional fees.

I understand the definite need professional regulation, it is in the interests of the public and offers protection and a framework in which to work. But there are a couple of things that really annoy me about professional fees…

I know the cost of everything has gone up, but fees have done so ridiculously. My initial registration was about £75 for the first 3 years (I think), but during that time the NMC made it an annual fee which has over the last 7 years that I have been qualified it has crept up to that amount every year. Surely the NMC costs haven’t risen that much?

The point I really want to discuss is, should we pay annual professional fees? Should any professionals? I know many professions do, doctors, vets, teachers, solicitors, I’m sure there are many more. It is not the regulation I object to, but I do think that those people on a fixed salary which is decided by the government (and it not particularly great) shouldn’t have to pay a fee to continue to do the job they do for the public sector.

The private sector is a different matter. Of course it is only my opinion, but in the private sector where salaries can be much better and the goals are more related to profit, then they should pay fees for the protection of government run bodies to regulate their work. There is a point in the public sector where I think this principle applies, the point at which they are not stuck on a national pay scale. For example if a GP is a partner in a practice, or a vet owns their own, they have the potential to make/invest money, the point at which their role becomes potentially more driven by money they should pay for the protection of such organisations.

I don’t think it is about the actual money, or the amount, but rather the principle of it. You don’t have to pay a fee every year to carry on doing your job in a supermarket or an office, why should you to look after/help/teach the public? Why doesn’t the government pay it for us? Why don’t we charge those who make a profit out of the public needs more to cover the cost of this?

It makes sense to me anyway. Thoughts anyone?

Season's Greetings

2010-12-22T18:23:00.002Z

I just wanted to take an opportunity to wish everyone well over the festive period. I’m sure we will all celebrate differently. I don’t have anything overly exciting planned… Xmas eve in the pub with my parents (some quality parent time and drunkenness), a lie in for me on Xmas day while my parents go out to drop off presents, then to my twin sister’s house to join her family for Xmas dinner, followed by too much wine. Boxing day the usual (dreaded) big gathering at my parent’s house for meat and mash, oh and maybe more wine (I’ll need it). Don’t get me wrong I love my family, just not all of them at once. There are a lot of us, I have a twin, a brother, a half brother, a half sister and two step sisters, most of them have children. This year my aim is to be patient and cheerful as I was ill the last two years (not with a hangover).

I’m not expecting any big presents, or anything too extravagant, money is tight for everyone this year, and I do believe it is the thought that counts. A few of my female relatives and friends all agreed to not buy for each other this year, instead we have booked an afternoon in the hammam at the local spa at the end of January.

I don’t feel overly festive, but I am excited it will be a fun few days and I’m seeing friends for drinks in the days that follow, which will be great. So, to try to feel more in the mood for the season I am going to list a few things I do like about the festive season, feel free to join in in the comments…

- Giving presents! The best bit in my opinion. Seeing people’s faces when you get it right is the best (I’m usually quite good at it too).

- Food! Mm pate, cheese with cranberries in, all of Xmas dinner, chocolates, nuts this list could be very very long.

- Fine wine and my newly acquired taste for port.

- Cheesy films. I don’t often admit it but I love some of them, although I wouldn’t buy many of them I will watch them on TV.

- Friends – Of course I have them all year round, but we all have busy lives, many of them have children. This time of year I like that we make extra effort to spend some time together. It is always lovely to catch up.

- Xmas Eve – I love my tradition of spending it with my parents. We go to the pub we drink, we chat and we usually get the giggles. It is my quality time with my parents without the rest of my huge family (they all spend it frantically still wrapping presents for their children or drunk with friends). I like that at around midnight (maybe 1am) we get all sentimental, it is my mushy moment of the year.

None of the above are overly exciting, but they give me a warm fuzzy feeling. I’m am now full of festive spirit. Let me know if you have any more favourite Xmas things (perhaps more interesting than mine).

What ever you are doing, have a lovely time. x

Hidden Agenda

2010-12-05T17:39:00.001Z

I am really not sure where I am going with this one yet, but it has played on my mind lately, so I thought I’d have a written ramble and see what happens. I think I have been somewhat naive over the last few months, assuming that many of the people I have met have a similar agenda to my own. It can often not be the case. I’m not saying it is a bad thing, it isn’t always, they have a right to have their own expectations when meeting new people. But in thinking about it I realise that in my opinion we all have hidden agendas a lot of the time.

Not many people in many situations do things for totally altruistic reasons. Most of the time we all want something in return. This is often our agenda, it is not always hidden, it can be explicit. We can all be nice to our boss, not only because we try to be a nice person, but because we know it may help our careers to do so.

I am as guilty as the next person of having an agenda when I meet people, obviously it depends on the person. I often want to feel “part of the crowd” to belong to a group of people, this has often happened when meeting people from twitter or other forums, and I think it is fine to do so. Thankfully, my agenda quickly changes when I get to know someone to either want to be friends or remain online acquaintances. You can’t get on with or close to everyone.

Do we ever meet people with friendship as our one and only agenda? Is it to not be alone at a gig, or to not feel left out, or even just to say hello to someone with a common interest? I’m not sure I have high enough expectations to consider that I would become good friends with all of the people I have met. I have and will continue to meet people, but I want to consider why I am meeting people and be honest about it. Sometimes it is just plain intrigue, I want to know if they are the same in real life as they are online?

I have learned lessons in meeting so many people, not everyone really wants to meet, they may say they do online, but shyness or even that they were being polite online may mean they have a different agenda in real life. A quick hello and then move on can occur if this is the case. The one thing that does annoy me is if people only want to meet or say hello on numerous occasions to just not be alone, or to gain something… surely repeated meetings should lead to friendship unless the agenda is explicit? For example, I don’t mind meeting fellow psychiatric nurses repeatedly as we all know we are meeting to share information and ask questions to improve our work; thankfully over the last few years I have become friends with some of them too, an added bonus to necessary meetings. It can be difficult to tell is if your agenda is to be friends and theirs is to have company, it can lead to disappointment or dissatisfaction at such meetings when such a difference is realised or you don’t get what you want from the chat.

I think I have found that I can tell who is properly friendly, when conversation flows (after some shyness) and it is not only about the common interest that brought us together, but it is also on a more personal nature. To not only chat about gigs and speakers, but how we are and what is happening in our lives, there is a line that has to be crossed if you are to become friends. I don’t mind if it is not always crossed, it certainly shouldn’t always be crossed. I just seem to have become more aware of it now.

I’m happy to have a large group of people I see at gigs and talks that I can say hello to and have some company, and we can have a lovely chat about what we have seen or are about to see. And that is that. But the best benefit to meeting so many people in the last couple of years, is meeting those people that are friends, that I care about on some level (we may not be best buddies) but those people who I know not only want to see a gig/talk and have some company but that are equally as happy to see me as I am to see them. To have a chat and a catch up.

I must admit it has disappointed me more and more when I haven’t had much time for this. For example at TAM (The Amazing Meeting) I met some lovely people, but unfortunately didn’t get much time to chat. It was not just about the meeting and the speakers, but about getting to know people I had looked forward to meeting.

Of course the exception to this “rule” is meeting comedians or speakers, I am not naive enough to expect to become friends with them. That is an unrealistic expectation, of course it may happen very rarely but imagine if an act was aiming to be friends with everyone they met? Ludicrous isn’t it? I am grateful and do enjoy saying hello to a performer, but it is just to say hello and that I admire their work or get something signed. They already have friends, they don’t necessarily want more from an audience. I try to aim to not be stalkery, say hello and then let them relax with people they actually know. I have seen acts constantly harassed following a gig, I know it can be part of the job, but we could all remember that once the hellos are done, it is their time, not ours to continually interrupt, they entertained us on stage, their job is done. *steps off soap box* I know there are exceptions to this, as there are to all situations.

I have been to some great gigs lately and they are always made much better in my opinion when there is chatting time before and after. I enjoy the time I spend with people as much as I do the shows. Except of course if I am only meeting someone to have some company, then the gig and a quick post gig chat is all is needed, that is fine. Should we be honest about our agendas? Should we assume they are implied by how chatty we are or are not? Do people think about their agendas when meeting others?

Thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.

ALL DAY EDNIBURGH 2010

2010-11-22T22:45:00.002Z

I’m not really sure where to begin in describing this amazing event, so I’ll begin with a big thanks to Michael Legge (@michaellegge) for organising it, and to all of the other people involved behind the scenes. All Day Edinburgh (@AllDayEdinburgh) was a 7 hour (more like 8 hours on the day) comedy gig which aimed to give people a taste of numerous acts who performed (or didn’t) at the Edinburgh fringe festival this year, all in aid of the charity Shelter.

I don’t often blog about shows/gigs because I have an appalling memory for such things, but through friends and tweets I think I can give a pretty good account of how it went. I will include some tweets sent at the time to give those that follow me on twitter more understanding of what really happened. Some descriptions of acts may be brief in order to avoid spoilers for future shows (or more likely because my memory is rubbish). Then you will all see how amazing it was and join me in hoping for another event next year.

It was held at The Phoenix on Cavendish Square in London, a regular host of comedy including Los Quattros Cvnts and London Comedy Improv (@LondonImprov). The pub has had a recent makeover and was an ideal place to hold the intimate marathon of comedy. The audience were eager to begin at just before 2pm, with some tech issues being resolved as they waited it started not long after…

On my way to the venue at around lunchtime I read the following tweet…

“michaellegge: I hate the homeless, all venues, comedians, comedy fans and the cold hollow sound of laughter.”

Our esteemed host Michael Legge welcomed us to the event and explained how he hated everyone (I think he was a little bit stressed), there is nothing more funny than Michael having a rant, and planning this event provided him with good ammunition. A delightful introduction to the day, taken in the spirit of humour it was meant.

First up was Nick Helm, an act I had not had chance to see in Edinburgh this year. With his gruff voice he warmed up the audience well with his loud and shouty explanations of why he *loves being single (*this may have been a little sarcastic) interspersed with a couple of very funny songs, which we were encouraged to join in with and a some audience interaction involving fruit tins connected with a piece of string. He is certainly an act I won’t hesitate to see again.

Next up were An Hour of Telly Live, I’d heard a lot about Margaret Cabourn Smith (@MCabournSmith) and Zoe Gardner’s show but had not managed to fit them into my hectic Edinburgh schedule. They lived up to those expectations, showing us their versions of adverts (“it’s a tiny yoghurt”) the way they should be done and practicing well known acting techniques such as the use of “barbed comments”. “Your teeth are cunts!” still makes me giggle now. Their set ended with a West End themed sketch which was not only funny but revealed the power in Margaret’s brilliant voice.

The pace continued with Caroline Mabey (@mabeycakes) with her breakfast themed set, complete with various charts and skilled visual representations of the evilness of the meal. A unique delivery which was quirky and fun.

Following a brief interval we were treated to a brief version of Pointless Anger, Righteous Ire with the angry Michael Legge and Robin Ince. I saw this show twice in Edinburgh, no rant can ever be the same. They did not disappoint, *discussing sketch groups, small children and much more briefly than planned the (well known anger fuse) Daily Mail (*shouted furiously to each other and the audience).

“nwoolhouseuk: Michael Legge and Robin Ince have just been very very angry. #ADE (I hurt from laughing)”

I really hope to see more Pointless Anger, Righteous Ire in the future.

Sara Pascoe (@sarapascoe) was up next, and although she did not perform her Edinburgh material, she did not disappoint. “Penis enlargement spam” we were bluntly told was the topic for the set, ending in Sara showing us her own version of graphic novel porn. I belly laughed throughout. (I won’t give too much away as it is new material, so she will be using it).

The Trap are made up of Jeremy Limb (@jeremylimb), Dan Mersh (@danmersh) and Paul Litchfield (@MrPLitchfield) when you add Michael Legge to that mix, they make up Los Quattros Cvnts who perform (almost) monthly at The Phoenix. On this occasion we were treated to some material from The Trap, even though they have not been to Edinburgh for a number of years now. It was great to see some of their original material including the Alphabet Sketch, but the highlight of their set was The Palindromic Sketch blew me away, with all of the audience lulled into a false sense of disappointment as the two Neville’s performed outdated gags but then they really turn it around literally, doing it backwards and show the sketch for it’s true genius.

Matt Ricardo was up next, and even though he forgot his balls and had to use apples (I know), he certainly demonstrated his juggling skills and technique. His banter with the crowd making up for any moments of error, ending with a rather spectacular display using cigar boxes, a comedy cigar and some “wine”.

I forget where the intervals were, but there were many, and between acts Michael continued to keep the energy in the room, even providing a prized bag of King of Everything badges for the raffle, which were gently being “warmed” in his trouser pocket for the lucky winner. Other prizes were donated by Adult Swim.

Even though they had there own show to perform later in the day, we were lucky enough to be visited by The Horne Section. Alex Horne (@AlexHorne) is obviously the front man with 4 musicians, much of the short set being the introductions of his band and banter with the front row resulting in some hilarious improvisation of Bon Jovi songs. The set ended with The Horne Section’s dance to Beyonce’s Single Ladies.

*Clears throat* I really like Pappys (@pappystweet) and have seen them several times… this time was not the same. Tom struggle to even find his way on stage and then chaos. It was funny chaos but for some reason they were unable to actually start their sketches, with Tom explaining the back stories while Matthew and Ben giggled and called each other names (sex addict) or told him to stop, with many tangents (Dogtanian being one) they finally performed the Musketeers sketch, all 1 minute of it! They managed to do the Working Lunch sketch with much less, but still some “explaining” from Tom and then finally ending on a song about modern electronic technology.

“Pappystweet: RT @nwoolhouseuk The oddest @Pappystweet gig I’ve ever seen. #ADE (one of the oddest we’ve ever done #breakdown)”

One of the big surprises of the day was a performance from Chris Addison (@chrisaddison) who I had never seen live before. He was much more energetic and passionate than I had previously though, with a hilarious set about what “writes off” people in his eyes (I agree with him on all counts) including (of course) The Daily Mail, a certain type of footwear and some commonly used sayings. Followed with an eloquent and amusing anecdote about his home life, I was pleased to have finally seen him and am already planning to see him perform again.

Storytellers was on before the next interval, introduced by Sarah Bennetto with her own anecdote involving an ex boyfriend, some spiderman pants and a box, despite the next story teller, waiting in the wings being her current boyfriend James Dadswell. James did something great with his time and told the story of when his material was stolen by a well known comedian, there was solidarity in the room with so many acts in the audience. (Later Paul Sinha even mentioned it in his blog). The final teller of tales was John Luke Roberts who kept it light hearted with short tales.

Dan Antopolski (@DanAntopolski) jovially talked us through his family’s genetic contribution to the human race, complete with pop up visuals. And then rapped about the delights of owning a domestic lazer (we all want one now).

I saw Colin Hoult’s (@wheeliemancrow) amazing show in Edinburgh, for this set we saw one of his many characters, Andy Parker from Nottingham, he does stuff in Nottingham since he left the army, like drawing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and writing screenplays, which have to be heard to be believed (“Giggle giggle, giggle giggle”). His accent is spot on, as are his mannerisms for the character. I can’t give lots away as the show still has a run in February in London, which I urge you to see (tickets). He has a great talent for chatting to the audience in character during his shows and it was a little bit cold in the room for Andy/Colin’s attire, a fact which he commented on much to our amusement.

Although, it was a very long day, and this blog is also really long, the time flew buy with such great entertainment. Next up was Paul Sinha (@paulsinha) with his anecdotes of debating with the BNP on the radio and a cockney rhyming slang racist insult at a train station toilet. A tight set with lots of laughs from the audience.

Tony Law (@mrtonylaw) was new to me, and quite an experience, starting with googly eyes and persisting to enjoy himself as he told us about animal sounds and revolutions. I have no idea how to explain it, you definitely had to be there, and I’m glad I was.

Tara Flynn (@TaraFlynn) delighted the audience with 4 of her songs from her Edinburgh show Big Noise. I was very grateful to get a chance to see it again (Confession – I did see it in Edinburgh, but that day unfortunately learned that too much afternoon drinking and a hot room make for poor concentration, and embarrassingly had to break out the energy drink, naughty naughty me, and such a shame to not give it my all – please learn from my stupid mistake). We saw Bjork Song, The Fog, 80s and Custard, with Tara showing her diverse styles of music, dance moves and comedy talent throughout. Loved every moment.

Paul Litchfield who performed earlier in the day in The Trap, spoiled us with a performance of one of the characters from Los Quattros Cvnts, the author of a fusion of sci-fi and erotica, Sean Golsworthy. It never ceases to make me giggle in such an immature way as he reads the tales of sex robots. Go and see Los Quattros Cvnts at The Phoenix!

“MCabournSmith: My favourite part of #ADE was when Sting turned up. (@mrjimBob)”

We were nearing the end of #ADE but the quality never dropped with an awesome performance from Jim Bob (@mrjimBob) formerly of Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine fame. He was a little green around the gills having been thrown a surprise birthday party the night before, but as a true performer went on to impress the audience with Mrs Fucking MacMurphy, The Wheels on The Bus and the Carter USM song The Only Living Boy in New Cross.

“Kateweb: My favourite moment of #ADE was watching @turlygod and @michaellegge waltz to @mrjimBob’s Mrs Fucking MacMurphy. Lovely day – well done all.”

The yelps of excitement from “back stage” (behind a screen) revealed that Mr Legge was rather excited to see this particular performer, as did the above mentioned dancing. Much of the audience joined in singing the songs. A joy to see and one I will repeat on Wednesday when I go to see #Guttedfest with Jim Bob and The Mystery Fax Machine Orchestra (details).

“nwoolhouseuk: The Penny Dreadfuls headlining this shit (their words not mine) #ADE”

I did see The Penny Dreadfuls (@dreadfuls) and was happy to see their sketches again, the creepy guy sketch is not one I recall from Edinburgh, made even more repulsive by the chewing of some newspaper balls which has been where the sun don’t shine. the sketch was giggly and a lot longer than anyone (including Penny Dreadfuls) thought it would be. Following this was the Sea skipper sketch and then the Twilight parody, again I cannot give it all away or it spoils it for others. I’ll just say they kept a now weary and a little bit drunk crowd still giggling.

A well deserved standing ovation was given to the embarrassed Michael Legge for his brilliant MCing and organisation of the event. Drinks, hellos and goodbyes followed (yes, more booze).

I suggest you follow @AllDayEdinburgh on twitter and hope that we are lucky enough (or that Michael forgets this year’s breakdown) to have another one next year.

(please feel free to tell me if any of this is wrong/spoilery too much/needs editing – as I said my memory is not great. Oh, and sorry for the crap quality photos, they are from my phone.)

Manners (Rant)

2010-11-09T20:31:00.001Z

Today I feel ranty. What happened to people having manners? Yes, someone was rude to me today. Usually this does not bother me, but today it did. I won’t go into what exactly happened but it did get me thinking, so here we go with a ramble as my thoughts spill out.

In my job as a mental health nurse I do expect some rudeness, let’s face it many people who are acutely unwell with mental health problems are frightened or angry, they often don’t have the capacity for manners. This I can understand, it is not their fault, they are reacting to an extreme situation. Many do have manners, lots of patients say please and thank you, ring me to ask for favours and are generally pleasant to talk to. If I can I oblige, it is my job to accommodate when I can, and understand the difficulties people may face, and of course to listen. Sometimes I can say to someone “Don’t speak to me in that way” or even just “Say please” when it is appropriate. Mental health problems are not necessarily an excuse for bad manners. What I don’t understand is when people do have the capacity to be polite, I do help them and they are still rude to me. This can be patients, relatives or colleagues, over the years they have all to some extent irritated me in this way (thankfully not too often).

This has raised the question, is there some sort of scale between duty of care and desire for good manners (or just lack of rudeness)? I sort of know there is, I can’t expect someone who is really unwell to be polite all the time, that is elitist, there should not be an “us and them” culture between nurses and patients, there just needs to be understanding when appropriate. However, when someone is able to understand the consequences of their actions or behaviours then I and many ward areas do not tolerate abuse. And in my opinion, rightly so. After all I go to work to care for people not to face abuse or intimidation. I have unfortunately seen cases of verbal and physical abuse at work, sometimes the hard line is taken and patients are discharged or the police are called. Of course there has to be some weighing up of the risk to fellow inpatients and staff, and the risk to the patient in question if they are discharged. I can see how the police can struggle to take criminal charges to the extent they should, when many people within the legal system do not appear to understand when mental health problems do and do not impact on such decisions to be abusive. See, there are lines which should not be crossed but it is complicated. The same goes in dealing with patient’s relatives, I have to put myself in their place, how angry would I be? What is reasonable behaviour?

With colleagues it is a different matter, in general abuse is not tolerated. This doesn’t mean it is always reported. It is such serious action to take, a formal process (one which I have some experience of). It is not for the occasions when people are just rude, it is for the extreme. So how do we tackle general lack of manners? A simple example is that I run clinics, within which I schedule 1 hour for lunch, this is never an hour long break, NEVER (to be fair it should only be half an hour). Usually, a few morning patients are late, I have urgent phone calls to make, notes to catch up on and people who did not attend to contact, then the morning patients arrive early. The result is I often have 5 minutes for lunch in a very long and busy day. Again, I try to be understanding, there are problems with buses, some people think it helps to be early rather than late, some don’t mind waiting a few minutes (I do keep in mind that many of our patients are anxious about the appointment and the needle). It is when people are rude and demanding in such situations and think I am not entitled to my break, especially if colleagues do it. I addressed this with some staff who bring patients recently, thankfully they were understanding and didn’t realise how busy things can be (only seeing their part of the picture… amazing how often people do that isn’t it?). See, it is the small things that matter in such cases, a phone call to say you will be early or late, then you would be told what time afternoon clinic starts or when there are appointments free, and I get a 10 minute break… simple manners and we are all happier. Unfortunately not all of my patients who attend alone are able to have such forward thinking, so I still don’t get much of a break, this I don’t mind so much. (The above is not what happened today to annoy me, it was another matter entirely). This is just an example of when manners could help.

So when should I look after my own welfare? To have a break, some food, a drink (a wee)? To not be offended, shouted at? Or even to just be spoken to with some respect? (of course I demand I should not suffer any physical abuse, and would do all I could to prevent such situations and deal with them appropriately). But how much can people get away with? Where is the line? People are complicated. Mental health problems are complicated, as are their families and carers. Politics within teams and between teams of colleagues are also complex, when should we not ‘rock the boat’ or when should we ‘fight our corner’? The answer is, I don’t know. Today I was busy, felt stressed and did my best, I did not feel like my needs were being met to have some of the above privileges (are they privileges or rights?). But once the hectic day was over and I had chance to talk to colleagues I gained more understanding of the situation and felt a bit calmer about the whole thing, I gained some perspective. Sometimes you need time to do so before you react (I did keep my nerve at the time and remained polite).

So, please make an effort to be polite to people who help you in any way. In fact people in general. I don’t mean just nurses, but people who work in shops or restaurants, delivery men, anyone… my point is, please remember if they are helping you, they probably have helped a lot of other people that day, not all of them may have been nice to them. A please or thank you and a smile goes a long way, whether you feel like it or not it may be needed and appreciated.

Thanks for reading, any feedback is always appreciated either here or on twitter.

Mental Health Nursing - my ramble/perspective.

2010-11-01T21:23:00.003Z

I admit it, I miss blogging, I like writing. This week I was struggling to think of a topic to ramble about so I asked on twitter, a couple of people said my job. But I don’t want to come across as pretentious, as I chose my career with its ups and downs, and I’m sure there are a lot of easier and harder jobs than mine, I am not looking for extra thanks or praise in any way for what I do. Oh, and if you didn’t know I am a mental health nurse.

I do feel the need after reading that last paragraph back to point out that “we” (meaning mental health nurses in general) don’t actually get as much thanks as you may expect. I see it all the time on general medical wards. But I understand that we are not always liked by our patients (especially those detained under the Mental Health Act meaning we restrict their activities) and often there is a huge sense of relief for people when they leave a mental health ward, they are not very happy places to be (I am aware hospital isn’t in general but you know what I mean here I’m sure). I assume (possibly wrongly, feel free to correct me) that it may also be due to the fact that hospital is a tiny part of the journey, people don’t usually leave “cured” there is a long way to go, sometimes they still do not have insight as to why the hospital stay was so necessary. Of course there are people who make remarkable steps whilst in hospital, and are often very grateful for the help they received, I thank those people (as I say, we don’t get it very often). Now I work in clinics (currently Clozapine and ECT) so I am a tiny part of people’s journey through mental health services. My team does get a few Xmas cards from patients, but we are a small piece of a big puzzle; our thanks is seeing people well and not in hospital anymore.

[Sorry for that digression but i had to get it off my chest]

As I pointed out at the beginning I am not meaning to be pretentious in any way. I know that even within mental health nursing people deal with the job in different ways. I must admit I have become a lot more cynical in the last 7 years, I try to make sure this doesn’t make me any less caring or empathetic with my patients. Unfortunately I have seen some nurses “burn out” in that way over the years. I personally believe this may be because some people just don’t switch off. I’m not saying it is always easy, but as in many jobs there needs to be a work-life balance. It saddens me to see some people who need the money working extra hours all the time and not truly switching off from the day’s events. I used to be guilty of it, often ringing work when I got home to tell them something I had forgot but thought it was important (it usually wasn’t and could have waited until the next day when I got back) or to check on a patient. I have been qualified long enough now to have a bit of a thicker skin. Oddly, I feel guilty about this sometimes. But it is needed, work has to stay at work. I have to try to remain detached from my patients (to a certain extent), even though I have known some of them for a few years. I have learnt to deal with this by trying to care about the job as a whole, rather than individuals. I have standards I work to, where patient care comes first and I try to change how I and my colleagues do things for the better. You can make changes within the healthcare system for the better, it is about sharing good practice and listening to patients (while understanding the budgetary constraints).

I guess this blog should be more light hearted than this. What do you want to know about mental health nursing? I will go through the top questions I am usually asked.

1. Is it a scary job?

- The short answer is most of the time, no. I’m not saying there aren’t scary moments on the wards, there are sometimes. But with the right training, a good team and adrenaline kicking in those moments usually pass without too much trauma. I can think of maybe a handful of times when I have felt really intimidated by a patient. I have never been seriously hurt at work, and injuries during restraint are rare for both patient and staff. Part of it, (for me) is that you have to build your own persona, my work persona is much braver than I am in the street and more assertive. At the end of the day, you are a part of a team. If a team works well together you can deal with anything. It does not “kick off” every day, there are really boring shifts like in any job, where nothing seems to happen.

2. What are patients like?

They are mostly like your friends and family, nice people who have become unwell. Just because someone has a mental health problem it does not mean their personality vanishes. Yes, when people are psychotic it can be hard to recognise the person you may have known before, but you have to remember that they are still in there. I laugh and joke with patients if I know them well enough. It depends how unwell they are, there are patients who you have to build trust with or may have thought disorder which makes conversation difficult. It doesn’t mean we don’t try. Every patient is different. It depends on which kind of mental illness they have, how ill they are and their underlying personality. You have to listen to what they want/need, whether it is to talk or be left alone, it is all about balance between what they want and what they need. Yes, there is sometimes odd behaviour, but there is also a lot of “normal” behaviour on a psychiatric ward, watching TV, playing games, having a chat. You can’t see everyone’s mental health problem from afar.

3. Are you psychoanalysing me?

NO! Firstly, I have not trained in psychoanalysis. Secondly, I am not a mind reader (psychics do not exist). I don’t want to know about all of your troubles (unless I ask, or you are my friend, even then sometimes I don’t want to know). It is my job to care for people, not my mission in life to care for everyone I meet. Just as a doctor at a party does not want to hear every medical complaint in the room, I don’t want to find out how scary you all are (joke). In reality, training to be a mental health nurse may make you more observant of behaviours, give you some insight into common behaviours and hopefully make you an empathetic listener. It does not make you everyone’s counsellor. Of course I talk to friends who have problems, they just need to realise I don’t have all the answers. It is much harder to offer that kind of advice to someone you know than to a stranger. Objectivity is often needed, this is difficult to achieve with people you feel close to.

Anymore questions?

“Skepticism is a tool we apply to parts of our lives.”

2010-10-13T21:25:00.001+01:00

This blog is inspired by Rebecca Watson (@rebeccawatson on twitter), I had the privilege of seeing her speak at skeptics in the pub (SitP) this week, and if I’m not mistaken she said the title of this blog (sorry if it is slightly inaccurate), which is what I plan to discuss/ramble through further. For those of you that don’t know skeptics in the pub is a meeting of often like minded people in a pub to discuss science and skepticism over a drink or two, there is often some debunking or consideration of national campaigns along with some lively debate in the Q&A section. It is fun and interesting; at Sheffield SitP we have been lucky enough to have some great speakers such as Simon Singh, Simon Perry, Chris French, Tracy King and coming up is Prof Richard Wiseman and many more. Attending the meetings always gets my neurons firing and makes me feel welcome and comfortable as a relatively new skeptic (in that I have only recently in the last couple of years got back into science and have been open about my atheism).

Rebecca Watson’s talk was called “Don’t be a Dick: Etiquette for atheists and skeptics” and it certainly struck a chord with me. I am aware that some people have the opinion of atheists or skeptics that they think they are above their stations, are always right or better in some way. In reality for the vast majority this is simply not true. Of course there will always be those that “stray into dickishness” (another Rebecca Watson phrase) but I’d hope that for most it is about open-mindedness and while not believing the same things others do, accepting their right to do so or even just being polite. In the Q&A Rebecca pointed out that this rule only applies where people are not being harmed or killed, something I totally agree with. For example even I would be angry and possible offensive towards someone who prevented their child recovering from illness by using homeopathy when they should seek medical attention and prevent further suffering. In an epic 2 hour Q&A many people questioned the need for passion to get things done nationally but compassion when dealing with friends and colleagues. This talk was about interpersonal relationships not national campaigns, but I do understand there is a need to express anger sometimes when in our schools and governments policy is implemented when there exists evidence to the contrary on it’s effectiveness. In such cases anger and even dickishness does gain publicity. It does worry me that it amplifies the generalised impression some people have of atheists or skeptics.

I know this blog is just me talking about Rebecca’s talk, but I am trying not to spoiler it mostly discussing the Q&A, which brings me to why I felt so compelled to blog, the title “Skepticism is a tool we apply to parts of our lives.” I had one of those moments where things fell into place and it just fit. I know I knew it already but that one phrase fit so well and was burned into my brain. I am sure it will be my mantra and where I struggled to verbalise my thoughts before that phrase just does it. Skepticism is not about being right or wrong, it is a tool, a way of thinking. To find out more information or change your views if you come across new information and it is about remaining open-minded. Yes it is much more complicated than that, there is culture and religion involved. As the phrase says we apply skepticism to “parts of our lives”, the parts it fits that we can feel comfortable doing so with and can cope with. Over time we may become more skeptical about more things once we develop our way of thinking, or learn to question things more but we can’t expect to find one thing we believed was wrong and then doubt everything we know, it just doesn’t happen like that.

So yes people can have religious beliefs and be skeptics, they may have not applied skepticism to that part of their lives, they may do so in the future, they may not. They may not want to, it may be important to them and their family, if it is not harming anyone then there is not a problem. I may be an atheist, that is my choice but I would be a hypocrite to try to force my beliefs on someone who did not share them. There may be times if I know someone well enough and it is appropriate to do so that I could maybe ask a question about a religious belief or tradition or plant a seed of doubt, but people need to realise for themselves what they do and don’t believe, it cannot be demanded. It is enough that people can see that often questions do need to be asked, or other sources of information found. It is different in the cases where there is clear peer reviewed empirical evidence that something does or doesn’t work, such as an alternative medicine, I can then say to someone I have read X which states there is no evidence supporting that what you are paying for actually works or that it does more harm than good. But we must be careful to not assume the same of all alternative medicine, I recognise that there are uses for some of the remedies, even if it is just in the placebo effect, relaxation or massage, they do sometimes do “something”. A great book to read to discover more about alternative medicine and what the research actually says is “Trick or Treatment?” by Simon Singh and Edzard Ernst, it is also a very enjoyable and interesting book.

There is so much information freely available in the media and on the internet, it is now a minefield, unfortunately littered with lies and inaccurate information. Since I became more skeptical I have stopped watching the news on TV, there were too many questions, then I would be on the internet only to find that the story was misreported (especially where it was regarding “miracles” or breakthroughs in science, they are often exaggerated or misinterpreted into media friendly sound bites, it just isn’t that simple). Of course I read and I find things out but mostly online where I can find things out for myself at my own pace, instead of being given the wrong impression by TV. That is one way I apply my skepticism. I cannot do it to all parts of my life, although I have found myself gradually asking more questions, I am in no way, and hope I do not come across as a “know it all”. In know a lot about some things and a little about a lot of things. I do like to find out more and chat.

Full credit for all of the above thoughts goes to Rebecca Watson, she said much of it in her own way at SitP, but I agreed with so many points I wanted to write it out myself, have a ramble and share it. (That’s not plagiarism is it?) Thoughts and comments are as always very welcome. Thanks for reading.

Truth and Lies

2010-10-02T17:30:00.002+01:00

The train of thought for this blog started the other night as I tried to get to sleep after a double shift at work. I don’t work on the psychiatric wards very much anymore, I am largely clinic based, but I need the money and I know the ward so I did an extra few hours to help out. I worked on the wards for 3 years before my current job, and most of the time it never bothered me, you have to get a bit of a thick skin and try to switch off when you walk out of the door. This particular day I struggled. I’m not entirely sure why, but it may be due to seeing a couple of patients who were really poorly. I know all of them are ill to some extent but I hadn’t seen an episode of psychosis that bad for a while, or a person so wrecked by alcohol so badly. A sad sight to see. When I got home I tweeted that it was a humbling shift, it was, it made me ponder a little (when I should have been trying to switch off and get some sleep). As always the lovely people of twitter distracted me, some asking if I was ok. I answered in my usual vague way, not giving much away. It was at this point I realised how much I lie.

I lie in all aspects of my life. I lie on twitter because I often don’t want to be too personal or offend someone, or because I can’t really talk about work in detail. I lie at work, sometimes because it is the appropriate thing to do and sometimes for an easy life. I lie in my personal life to save embarrassment. I know I am not the only one, we all lie, but to what extent? And should we lie so much?

I don’t want to give the wrong impression, I think I am trustworthy, it isn’t that every single thing I say is a lie. There are the obvious examples, when people ask if they look fat or nice in a particular outfit, most people would stretch the truth a little if needed or word their answer very carefully. My lies or avoidance of the truth at work with patients are very much like that, I have to decide if being totally honest would be detrimental to their mental health or our relationship. For example if a patient were to ask me to confirm a delusional belief, I have to decide if that person is ready to consider that what they have thought true for a long time is actually a symptom of their illness; or if they are still lacking insight to the extent that me telling them this would mean they would no longer engage with me, or believe me a part of a conspiracy/delusional construct. It may be the difference between exacerbating a situation potentially leading to aggression or allowing a patient to talk freely and build a therapeutic relationship. Sometimes it is just about offering reassurance to the patient until they are ready to hear a more honest answer, or avoiding answering the question all together (e.g. Why don’t you tell me what you think?).

On twitter I lie a little bit, I have read an interesting blog from a fellow tweeter @wllmtnnt who is also guilty of this crime. I’d hope that people don’t believe everything they read on social networking sites. The majority of the time, I try to avoid actual blatant lies, by either not saying anything or a carefully constructed critical reply. I toyed with the idea of setting up another twitter account with nothing but brutally honest answers to other people’s tweets as a sort of social experiment, but I can’t imagine the account being well liked. It is not socially acceptable to be truthful all the time.

In both these parts of my life, for me it is about boundaries. At work there are set rules, not to give too much personal information away, don’t tolerate abuse (although this one is stretched if a patient is particularly unwell and unable to comprehend the consequences of such actions), and to tell a patient when their actions are inappropriate. I do actually use that phrase, whether it is asking me if I have a boyfriend, some sexual comment or being offensive to a fellow patient.

On twitter it is a bit harder to define the boundaries. I have a general idea how much I want to give away about my life online, but then I know occasionally when drunk or chatting to someone I feel I know better I overstep this mark. As I am sure other people do, it is sometimes with dread I check my feed after a drunken night out followed by late night tweeting, and then hit delete a few times. But also there is often a lack of tone on twitter, things can be misinterpreted, sometimes taken at face value when they are jokes or sarcasm. Plus it is easy to forget that everyone is not being honest, we have all an online persona to some extent. I have often been surprised by the difference between how I perceive people to be online and how they are when I meet them in reality, an obvious example is that it is easy to be bold and chatty on twitter but this may not be the case in reality when the reality and shyness kicks in.

Often my lies on twitter are very insignificant, I would perhaps say I didn’t like something to join in while harbouring a secret passion for it, we all have our embarrassing interests. Other times I would say something nice or reassuring to someone, knowing it is what they need to hear by their leading tweet, but when in fact I would rather be more honest and challenge the behaviour. It is not the time or place to do such things, honesty in such situations like that is reserved for “real life” friends who I know well enough to know they are ready to hear it, and with whom I can read non verbal communication. I don’t lie all the time, I hasten to add, I am generally nice to everyone. If a tweet bothers me that much, I usually don’t reply at all rather than cause offence or feel I am not being honest.

At the end of the day if someone oversteps the mark online you have three options, ignore it, confront it in a way which is the least offensive, or unfollow (or block). Due to the nature of twitter it is easy to perceive such things wrong, by seeing only part of the story, taking things at face value or misjudging tone. So there needs to be caution if you do decide to be a bit more brutally honest, or question if boundaries have been crossed. At the end of the day I would really only do this if I had to in order to feel comfortable to continue following someone. There is nothing wrong with questioning someone’s opinions in a public forum, so long as it is not in a way which intentionally offends. I can usually ignore most of those moments/tweets that make me wonder about their true beliefs. But I do think it is important to realise that even nice tweeters and lovely people in real life (like me) do lie or stretch the truth; it is expected in society, what we read may not be what they really believe. Sometimes by asking the right questions you may get an honest answer rather than what you perceived from previous tweets. However, remember if you were dis-inhibited to the point where you always spoke the truth and your opinion you may be deemed as suffering from mental heath problems.

So as I have said before, I show a part of myself on twitter, and a bit more on these blogs. But without visual clues of non verbal communication I struggle to feel I really know people online, people are different in reality (this is why I like meeting and getting to know tweeters). I can be brave and exaggerate things or be silly on twitter, it is not necessarily how I would behave in reality, it is stretching the truth about who I am in order to have fun and an online presence.

I’m not really sure what the point to this blog was. I guess it was to just realise that twitter is what it is, sometimes honest, sometimes lies, and sometimes only part of the story. And to say that everything I write may not be entirely accurate all of the time. We all do that, don’t we?

What should a blog be about?

2010-09-12T20:47:00.001+01:00

I recently gave someone some advice about starting a blog, not that I am in any way an expert, but who is? So, it has made me think, what should be in a blog? Of course this is an easy question to answer for those blogs that are focussed on one subject area, such as the law, or science and skepticism. But for blogs written as a more personal experiment, what should they include? And I guess more importantly, what shouldn’t they include?

The problem is, there are no hard and fast rules to blogging. It is and should be an open forum, a way of expressing yourself and letting others read and comment on your thoughts. I think it helps if you have an aim for blog, even if like me, you don’t always stick to it. I aimed to try and use my blog to reflect on my thoughts and experiences, in a way to be more skeptical. For me reflection is a great way of doing this, I consider things I have learned and experienced and then how they may have shaped my thoughts and feelings and enriched my life or opinions. Often, just writing the blog is the part which cements my thinking. Of course I can always change my mind, I try to remain open minded about everything, so as I gain more information or experience I can reconsider what I think about a topic. For instance, I have written about luck in previous blogs, but then I saw Prof Richard Wiseman at the Fringe of Reason in Edinburgh and now I feel I need to read more around the subject, the concept of luck (even with its lack of evidence/logic) may not always be a bad thing. I will read the books I now know exist and perhaps change my views.

My blog is quite personal, for someone who states they don’t write lots of personal information online, I obviously do. These blogs are my opinions, what could be more personal than that? However, I do consider when writing them if it would be detrimental to my career if a patient or work colleague ever stumbled upon them. So I do hold back a little. I recently told a fellow blogger that I don’t post these blogs on FB, only on twitter. I have told a few close friends and family members that I write a blog and it’s purpose, but I haven’t showed it to them. It is not that I am embarrassed, or am I? My friends know me, they know I have strong views, but many are not into social networking in a way I am, nor are they as into science and skepticism as me. It is like I lead two separate lives in a way, the friends and family I grew up with, and my new friends and acquaintances on the internet, the ones who have more of a passion for the topics which vaguely interest my “real friends”. The lines are blurred of course, there are friends who dip into both camps, the “real friends” one and the “online friends”/science/skepticism one. These things are never simple, so I don’t actively separate them. If someone asks me about my blog or shows interest then they are welcome to read it. However, I am aware that many of my facebook “friends” would have a different perception of me all together from reading these rambles.

That brings me onto to another worry, one which I considered before even starting this blog. Does writing my thoughts and feelings in such a concise way change people’s perception of me in a good/bad way? I am unsure. Many people who are lovely enough to read this have met me at various comedy gigs around the country, and I hope to continue meeting more people at comedy/skeptic events. But having a blog can’t help but give someone an opinion about me, how I think, how I write. I guess it depends what you think of the blog? I worry that in concentrating my opinions in blog form I give the impression that I am overly opinionated or pretentious? In reality I am not (always, I hope). I mean I have views on subjects, but when I meet people I am just like everyone else, a bit shy and awkward at first and reserved until I know someone better. Does a blog give the impression that I am bolder than I am? I find it easy to sit back and write thoughts and feelings from behind the protection of my laptop screen. I don’t see anyone’s reaction, yes I get comments every now and then, but without the immediate social interaction of seeing a person give me feedback, I can again sit back and reflect on what people think without over reacting, getting offended or coming across as aggressive if my opinion differs (plus in all honesty I usually just get lots of lovely tweets and comments, even when I expect more challenging opinions to be stirred). Don’t get me wrong, I think I can debate a topic in a rational and polite way in face to face conversation, but not necessarily straight away with strangers (I am not that confident at speaking in public with strangers). In face to face contact I like to find out how far someone can be pushed, or how strong their views are; if the differ greatly to mine, if they are a rational thinker, or easily offended; whether they have a sense of humour. This can usually soon be found out once you have spent some time with someone (and yes, occasionally from lots of online contact over a period of time).

So, what should a blog contain? I still don’t know. I write this one for me, it helps me to think, to vent thoughts and feelings and practice my writing skills (or lack of). With the exception of a few blogs about comedy shows I have seen, I tend to keep it vague, not too much detail about my personal life, but at the same time I accept that it is a very personal blog, after all it is how I feel or think about things. A blog is what ever you need a blog to be, often a recording memories and life, a look at a subject which interests/outrages you or a way in which you feel you can express yourself.

Thanks for reading this entry, please feel free to comment on it, or tweet me any thoughts you have, they would be much appreciated (I need them in order to learn, honest).

Death

2010-09-04T12:50:00.001+01:00

Ok I realise this is not the happiest of subjects to have a ramble through, but I was inspired yesterday when I read Peter Harrison’s excellent blog on the subject, read it here. As his blogs often do it made me consider my views on the subject.

I too do not believe in afterlife, I am an atheist so when we are dead we are gone, I don’t have a spirit that will live on in some other plane of existence. When my heart stops and my brain ceases to function that is it. However, there is one way in which I believe I will live on, I hopefully leave behind people whose life I have touched in some way (I cringe as I write that phrase). The memories I create with others and the impact I have on other people is my legacy. In a sense this is what scares me about death. I wonder what will I leave behind? How will I have impacted on anyone’s life? I have no great ambitions in politics or to write a book or anything like that, but that does not mean I leave no long lasting impression on the people I interact with. While the thought does scare me, I fully accept that once I am gone I won’t care. I can’t, there is no way I can have a thought or regret once the moment of death has passed. In a way this is a benefit to death, I can’t focus on what I leave behind as I won’t know or care beyond the moment of death. The only way I can look at my impact on others and how I live my life is to look at it right now, to talk to people, meet new people and reflect on what happens or has happened in the few insignificant years I have been alive.

Considering death should and does inspire me to live a full life, not necessarily to do great things but to be happy and hopefully make those I surround myself with happy in some way too. I can’t live life totally without regret, I will make mistakes, but I can learn from them and move on. Mortality is a great motivator, I would hate to think I was immortal as I can’t see how I would have so much ambition and motivation with an infinite amount of time in which to make mistakes or realise goals. It is like when you go on holiday (stay with me on this bit), you know you only have your two weeks to enjoy the particular destination, it has usually cost a lot of money and excitement has be built up over a number of months. So off you go, things go wrong or not quite to plan, but you carry on making the best of things, not wanting to ruin the precious hours and days you have. People on holiday try to create moments they will remember, day trips, great views, shows, anything to have great memories of that time. To me this is how we should look at life, we may not know how long we have but we should make the best of what we have and create as many wonderful moments as we can, there is an end point.

I understand that for some theists it is a comfort to believe there is an afterlife, but I would consider such a concept much more frightening than not believing in one. A theist would fear the judgement of their life after death, whether they go to heaven or hell would be decided once the moment of death has passed. At least I know (yes, I know as I have no evidence to the contrary) that once death has occurred it doesn’t matter one bit, what is done is done. So I don’t fear death, I fear not living life to it fullest but more so than that I fear not knowing the impact I have on others. The answer for me is to ask, talk to people, tell people how you feel, get the answers and the reactions now. I do not have to wait for some God to pass judgement on how good or full my life is, I am happy and grateful I can find that out for myself now. And if I don’t like what I find, I’d better do something about it.

I can think of times when having this view has helped me, there have been periods in my life where I have stopped and looked back and decided to change. This may be partly influenced by my job, I unfortunately do have patients who die, which of course is very sad and often tragic. But in order to do such a job I have to have a reflective process in place, I have to consider what was done, what could have been done and if mistakes were made can they be learned from. We cannot “save” everyone. This is of course no comfort to relatives, and not a discussion I would have with them. But working with death makes me appreciate life. Add to this the belief that I have that my life is finite, there is nothing after then you can see how I am motivated to “get on with it” and try to live it to the full. So I think I am grateful for death, not frightened of it. I too, like Peter accept death as a part of life. Of course if I know when death is coming (I think I would rather not know in a way, but that is another discussion) I will be frightened of that moment, but more of the possible physical pain and the emotions my loved ones have to go through that I have to see, it is the build up to death, but once the moment has passed there is nothing to be afraid of, well there is nothing at all for me.

In my view having such a view on death and life should make my eventual death easier on my family and friends, I would hope that they understand that I hopefully have said what I wanted to say, and done what I wanted to do, not because of fear of judgement but because I wanted to live a full life, because I am inspired by death.

Thanks for reading, do read Peter Harrison’s much more eloquent discussion on the topic. As always comments are welcome on here or twitter if you wish.

Edinburgh Reflection

2010-08-31T18:12:00.003+01:00

I feel bad, I promised myself I would blog more, read more and learn more about skepticism, however in the last few weeks with the run up to Edinburgh fringe and then the two weeks of chaos there, I did very little of either. Or did I?

The fringe was an amazing experience, only now looking back on it do I have so much to think about and write. Some of it is nothing new to most people, but as usual I will have a ramble through the thoughts in my head and see what comes out. I am well aware that there are many comedians who are atheists and or skeptics, it is the kind of comedy I enjoy. I like the silly less serious stuff too and saw a great mix of different kinds of acts in the 60 shows I crammed into my two weeks there. But some shows surprised me, they really made me think. I don’t mean in an obvious way, I know that shows like Baba Brinkman’s rap guide to human nature is supposed to raise issues, and Robin Ince’s shows always make me want to read more, that is not the point I am making.

The shows which surprised me the most were the ones with a personal element in them. Often when we think of comedy shows, we expect a barrel of laughs, funny people who write well and deliver. During the fringe I realised that sometimes there is more to it than that. Many comedians use their personal experiences, reflect on them, maybe embellish them a little and then we get the resulting humorous story. That level of self examination is what struck me, they are a reflective bunch aren’t they? It is something I think more people should do; not the embellishing and making experiences into funny stories, but reflection in itself. I think comedians are incredibly brave, not only getting up on stage but saying “I did this” and showing others how things all went wrong, or they learned from their experiences. I know they often won’t mean it to be so deep, but a couple of shows in particular were quite inspiring. Those that saw Tiernan Douieb’s or Nat Luurtsema’s shows may have more of an understanding of what I mean. Tiernan’s heartfelt yet still hilarious look at friendship and what it means was really poignant to me (I really wanted to blog there and then but had no time). As was Nat’s consideration of her childhood experiences and how they made her who she is today. They not only judge themselves but then allow/ask others to judge them, telling the audience about personal moments in their lives AND making us laugh. I struggle to comprehend how they do it.

I do have great respect for anyone who dares to get on stage and perform. More so for those that manage to push some buttons, whether it is through the use of personal experiences as described above, or by social commentary or asking the difficult questions. I like to be shocked, to be made to question why I am offended, or what my beliefs are on a subject. Even through things like the use of the cunt word, why was I bothered by it? I’m not now, not at all but that may be due to exposure to it more than anything (thanks Michael Legge). After all it is just a word, it is all about context. I like that comedy can change my views just as reading a book, or a skpetics talk can. I know it is dangerous ground and you shouldn’t believe everything a comedian says (in fact believe very little, they lie), but they can make you think and then go and find things out for yourself. For this reason I really enjoyed Pete Johansson’s show, he has said he isn’t very political, but I beg to differ. His show was in your face inspiring and lots of fun, he really reminded me of Bill Hicks (not in any copy cat way), he had views on some topics like children and society and we knew about them, I loved every minute of it.

Not all comedy needs to have an end message, or be so reflective. As I said before I like the silly stuff too, to just sit in a room and lose myself in ridiculous sketches or angry shouty men is and was a great tonic. I overheard lots of people after such shows judging those that had just performed, as is expected. But it amused me that often people forget that comedians can have a stage persona and be very different people off stage. It is easy to do this, after all we only see the on stage persona, we do not know them (well most of them). This occurred to me more when I said hello to a couple of acts after their shows, I am rubbish at it. The conversation is always, “Well done on your show, it was great... [insert some detail I particularly liked].” They reply thank you and then add some small talk, then I dry up. I imagine I could have some great conversations but I get caught up in the thought that they don’t actually want to know anything I have to say. Let’s be honest most of the time it is true. Friends are friends and fans are fans, I don’t want to be friends with every comedian I meet, that would be weird and rather stalkery. I need to figure out how to be more friendly, but to me it is a very fine line between being friendly and being intrusive, so I just get uncomfortable and go quiet (this is not always the case when drunk, but that is another story I will not tell in a blog).

The great thing about the fringe experience apart from all of the great shows, the city and the comedians was being able to meet so many tweeters. Being there so long was great, it meant I had time to talk to some of them properly. Often we all only meet at various shows across the country and I always come away disappointed that I didn’t really get a chance to talk properly. I am not as shy with tweeters, we are on common ground (that kind of suggests I give comedians a higher status, do I? Mm), we are all nervous (a little at first) but already know we have common interests to talk about, so conversation usually flows. Of course some people were different to how I expected, as I am sure I may have been to some people but thankfully they were all very nice and friendly. I am certain I will see many of them again. There was some difficulty in getting my friends from home to mix with tweeters, but that was my friend’s shyness/pre-conceived ideas about “people from the internet”. At one point a friend did call me unsociable for logging onto twitter when sat in a pub, not long after that more people joined us in the pub for drinks, thanks to a tweet... who is unsociable? I should try and remember that not everyone is as open minded about meeting new people as I am, but I wish they were.

I think I may have gone off topic at the end there. So I will sum up and end it here. Comedy can make me think and reflect, it can also help distract me from the world and my thoughts, either way I remain an addict. Meeting people can be scary, but often it can be worth it.

Thanks to everyone I met and saw in Edinburgh this fringe, you all helped make it an awesome two weeks.

Meeting Tweeps.

2010-07-22T21:43:00.000+01:00

Well it’s about time I had a ramble again and blurted all of my random thoughts onto the internet. Before I begin, thank you to all of you who do read this and send me lovely comments on here, on twitter or via email. I do really appreciate them.

As the Edinburgh fringe festival looms next month and I have reflected on my eventful birthday weekend in London I have been thinking more about meeting people. I don’t just meeting friends of friends but the random way in which I have met more and more people from twitter. I know this will escalate in Edinburgh and it is one of the things I am really looking forward to. There are many people I have chatted to on twitter on an almost daily basis; to meet those people will be intriguing and I’m sure lots of fun. I know (as I have done before) we will find it mostly quite easy to talk, especially as there will be so many shows we have seen or are seeing in Edinburgh to chat about.

But then there is the other side...

I am sometimes shy, especially with people I have never met or when sober (so may not be too much of a problem in Edinburgh). It is easy not to be shy on twitter, you can hide behind the laptop, if people don’t respond, so what? There is no risk, I use twitter for fun, if people get offended they can unfollow or block me. Face to face is not so simple. Body language greatly changes social interaction, you can tell if someone is offended, even if they are polite enough to try and hide it. Just as you know quite soon if you have good chemistry (no I don’t mean in a sexy way) or they are bored with what you are saying. Other people I meet will also be just as shy, this can make drumming up conversation not that easy. Don’t get me wrong, once I get going I can talk for England, more so if I am nervous ( I am aware not everyone wants to hear me wittering on and on), but in a large group I can be the quieter person hiding at the back.

If there are people there that I know already I am more comfortable as they act like a kind of safety net, people who I know understand that no matter how much I come across as a twat to these new people, they know the real me and will forgive my momentary lapse. I can always turn around and talk to them when a conversation with a new person fails.

Sometimes I do ok, if I can talk about my interests and it is appealing to others and stimulates conversation then we are usually off to a good start. This is why I usually don’t do so well when meeting the comedians and acts I admire. They have (mostly) all been lovely and chatted, but it is usually brief, which is sometimes all that was needed. But occasionally this could be my lack of preparation for the situation, I am focussed on my admiration of their talent and usually have a few questions or comments about their shows, but after that there needs to be more of a conversation (unless they are not friendly/interested). This is where I am totally unprepared. Or it could just be that I am not funny or entertaining. However, sometimes it is different not so long ago a lovely comedienne who I had met a couple of times politely answered my questions and then asked “So, how are you, how are things?” I stumbled over my words and awkwardly said “Erm... fine thanks *long pause* just busy with work.” Not the best conversation starter, but I didn’t expect “normal” conversation so was totally unprepared for it. I need to remember sometimes comedians are everyday friendly people too not just there to answer my interrogations. I do think this is sometimes why I get shy, a moment of paranoia I don’t think people are interested in my life, why would they be? I am nothing special. What I need to do is realise none of us are (or we all are depending on your philosophy). People in general are interesting, if it seems like someone wants to chat then tell them about yourself, but then don’t be rude do also remember to listen and ask about them and their interests. (I do find myself thinking “stop talking, let them say something” but it can lead to an awkward silence if they are not as chatty as me). And no this does not mean I think we should all start telling comedians our life stories, not all of them even want to chat, saying “I really enjoyed your show [some comment about a particular part]” is often enough. I mean in the situations in bars where conversation is more expected, the same advice goes for meeting people from twitter (this is advice to myself, this is why I am rambling); where conversation is expected do have some questions prepared, not in an interrogating way, but ones which (you hope) would stimulate conversation.

I will give away some of my questions now (some are obvious and corny I know and I do plan to think about this more before Edinburgh), feel free to use them if you meet me in Edinburgh, I won’t be offended, actually I think they could break the ice...

- Who have you just seen/seen today?
- Which has been your favourite show so far?
- Who are you most excited to see?
- Is it your first fringe?
- Are you managing to find your way around yet?
- Is your accommodation nice?
- Are you seeing [insert my favourite show/one I am most looking forward to]?
- Have you met many tweeters?

I would hope by this point they too have asked questions and we are locked in Edinburgh conversation, which goes on to anecdotes and friendship (unless we don’t get on, then we just have to make excuses and run away, although sometimes I will need the loo/food/sleep/beer/to meet people/to get to a show).

Anyway, I feel a little more confident now I have thought this through by having a ramble on here. I also realise that many other people will feel exactly the same meeting new people, maybe we should all remember that? Please feel free to comment or offer any advice/ice breaker suggestions/conversation starters (it doesn’t matter that we may all say the same things, in fact it may amuse us). I hope I don’t do what I tend to and stick to talking more to people I have already met than people I haven’t. I am determined to be more outgoing this time.

Thanks for reading.

Day 2 of what a weekend! #PreciousLittle LIVE party

2010-07-13T15:49:00.000+01:00

For those of you that don't know, #PreciousLittle (hashtag used on twitter) is a comedy podcast by Michael Legge and James Hingley, see their website here I have been a listener since the beginning last September. Michael calls us fans of the podcast, Podophiles and we often have #ListeningParties where we all listen together and write on twitter. For more about #PreciousLittle see my previous blog The idea behind the events of the 11th of July were to do the podcast with an audience of 40 podophiles, as it was the 40th podcast. It also happened to be my 30th birthday which suited me very well, thanks Michael. So that is the background, here is what happened...

Vicky (@tainted_harmony) and I met up with Neale (@ColonelHitch) to head over to Euston to our hotels (more hot tube journeys). We had a lovely breakfast in the sun (lining our stomachs), checked in and then set off towards the secret venue. Oh, that is not quite accurate, we then searched 6 shops down lots of back streets for a pineapple, but I will come to that in a while. We met up with a few podophiles before the podcast in a pub nearby, it was nice to break the ice in a smaller group, although I had met a number of them before at Los Quattros Cvnts gigs. I think everyone was as nervous as each other walking into a pub and asking a group of strangers if they were podophiles. But soon we were all giggling about the gifts and contributions we had brought to the recording. At this point Neale (@ColonelHitch) revealed the pineapple (see the photo), we had joked that he was the hardest person to recognise as his twitter avatar is of a pineapple in a bow tie, so we recreated it and Neale carried it around all day (until in began to get rather mushy later). We then realised that Graham (@GDLockuk) had a similar avatar of a pint of lager, hence the photos above of them meeting for the first time. We had a drink and a chat, the lovely Neal (@Neal55) gave me a brilliant birthday present of lots of American candy, and Ashley (@waytowastetime) gave me more chocolate. The ice broken we headed across the road to the venue.

At the venue there were more podophiles already waiting, some were recognisable, some were not. We all mingled and said hello, and I was very grateful that Sarah (drunk Sarah @misswiz) had sent everyone a badge, as it was my task to give them out, another great ice breaker. They were also very funny badges which said "I am a pair of bastards" on them, this does make sense if you listen to the podcast. There were too many podophiles to mention but some of the ones I speak to more regularly on twitter were there making it not too awkward to chat (@howlieT, @AndyMcH or Jingle Jim, @BarrySkellern, @The MightyBlackout, @Neal55, @waytowastetime, @GDLockUK, @tainted_harmony or Vicky Harsehole, @wllmtnnnt, @GordyODT oh and many more, sorry if I missed you off this list). Finally we went into the basement for the recording.

Pre-recording Michael had a bit of a funny rant at James due to the microphones being in pint glasses... "I asked you to do one thing... set this whole thing up!" which had us all giggling ready for our treat of a warm up act Mushybees. As podophiles we all know Mushybees does the voice of Pam Ayre for Ayres Rocks, where we send in poetry to be read out. It was great to see Mushybees do her own material and she wonderfully chose William Tennant (@wllmtnnnt) to hold her flip chart and turn it when promtped. Do go and see his work here. The set end with rather a lot of Madeleine McCann material which had me in stitches and William struggling to hold up the chart.

Then it was podcast time. I do not need to go through it in detail as you can go and listen to it yourself, episode 40 of Precious Little is on iTunes now or available from the website here. I will point out some of the highlights for me though. At the beginning of the podcast they played the theme tune by Ian (@IanReentrant) as always, but James was obviously shocked that we all sang along! Of course we did. IN some of the chats with the podophiles we discussed how they all get stuck in your head like little earworms. We did sing other jingles too, my favourite being in the mini podcast, so I can't mention it as it isn't out yet. Michael seemed to bounce off the crowd's reactions as I would have expected but it was great to see and hear James get so many laughs and stand his own ground. Sadly Misha's (@HowlieT) friend Lauren couldn't get in as she was only 17 years old (although another 17 year old did get in), as sorry for her as we felt it did lead to rather a lot of the podcast being dedicated to her in a sick and twisted way, leading to Bunky (@mushybees partner) bringing a barely 18 porn magazine for Michael in the interval. The whole show felt very warm (in the good way) and comfortable, I'm not sure Michael and James would agree with this. Michael did of course look beautiful in his grey t-shirt (which he blogged about here). They seemed incredibly touched that we had a whip around for some beer money for them, the gig was free after all! A wonderful idea from Andy/Jingle Jim (@AndyMcH). I laughed too much at the use of the wanker sign throughout the recording, especially when both Michael and James did it to each other when the other turned their back, a visual catchphrase on a podcast brilliant! Imagine that is what is happening for all unexplained laughter in the podcast. The Gentleman's Review finally joined Michael and James on stage and were almost buried in biscuits from the podophiles (they then had to carry them around all day, there were loads). They were as always very funny, when they could get a word in over Michael, thankfully they do speak more in the mini podcast. Lots of us also brought postcards for the last ever Fuck A Thing, but it will not be heard until the mini podcast later in the week so I won't spoil it, but there were prizes and another live jingle.

During the interval I gave Michael his present from my twin sister, which was a book "The 100 World's Greatest Podcasting Tips", we thought it was appropriate. Michael read some of it out while we waited for people to return, it is obviously the work of a genius and should greatly improve the podcast.

After the podcast we had more booze and chatted, although as always happens I was sad to not get chance to chat with everyone. We also ate my birthday cake, made by Misha. And we skype called Wet Sarah (@h2osarah) in Canada so that she could see all of the podophiles, although we did struggle to hear her on my phone and the picture was a bit rubbish for her, at least we tried. Then followed more booze and more chatting, it was great to meet Andy (@DrBobChoco) and Martin (@Martinwolfenden) from The Gentleman's Review. There was one casualty of the night, a blue ukulele, but it is too upsetting to talk about *sobs*.

A brilliant day/night thanks to everyone involved, I couldn't have had a better 30th birthday.

What a weekend... part 1 (Don’t worry there are only 2 parts).

2010-07-13T14:57:00.000+01:00

I know I usually write reflective blogs about issues and topics which I believe I need to think about more. But I had a great birthday weekend full of comedy fun and meeting lots of new people from twitter, so I shall tell you about that instead, you lucky people.

The 11^th July was my 30^th birthday, not something I was dreading, mainly because I’m generally ok with getting older (see this blog) but also because I had such a full weekend planned. My twin sister was a little bit annoyed that I was missing her party on Saturday night, but we compromised and went to Alton Towers together last week with some friends. So on Saturday the 10^th July I headed to London town. I had managed to book first class train travel as it worked out only a couple of pounds more expensive (if you know where to shop for cheap train tickets it helps), I was extremely glad I had done this as it was a very hot day and the air conditioning was only working in those carriages. Free tea is always a bonus too.

On arrival to London I soon met up with Vicky (@tainted_harmony) who I had met before and we got the tube the Southwark to check in to our hotel. I don’t need to go on about it but I will just point out the tube is ridiculously hot on a sunny day, think of this whenever I mention tubes in this blog. So we freshened up and headed on the TUBE (see earlier comment) to Hyde park to find the Watsonian’s picnic (Mark Watson fans from his forum set up by the lovely Misha (@HowlieT) had arranged a meet up). Being as rubbish at keeping up with forums as I am, I had already booked later trains for us to get there fashionably late at 4pm (ish), it started at 12pm. We also failed to bring any food (everyone else had contributed), but there was plenty left and they were all very friendly and fed and watered us. I didn’t catch everyone’s name (nor would I have remembered them if I did) but it was nice to finally see some people from twitter in the flesh and have a chat (I had met a couple of them before). As we arrived the blog entry was being written, each person was writing one word and passing it on, the result can be found here. There was lots of chat about gigs, comedians, arenas and the travelling we had all done just to see comedy. It was all very pleasant and civilised. After burning in the sun for a while we said our goodbyes and headed for the tube again.

The Penny Dreadfuls were an act I had never seen or heard much about, but I trust Simone’s (@Simone_QOF) comedy judgement as should everyone (see her blog) and so we headed to Greenwich with Vicky to meet up with a few more people and watch the preview of their Edinburgh show. I really should thank Kerri (@KerriSullivan) for organising my ticket, thank you! Now I won’t give too much away about the show as it is not fair to spoil it for others, but I can say the opening was very Pappy’s (fans of Pappy’s Fun Club, as they used to be known may guess what this means). It was a wonderful hour of dreadful overacting in brilliantly clichéd sketches. Some of the twists on other sketches I had seen were much more clever than I expected. I was also impressed at the colour theme which ran throughout all of the intricate costume, set and prop changes. I do recommend you go and see them in Edinburgh or anywhere else if you can. We hung around in the bar for a little while after, again talking to a variety of people I hadn’t met before, and a few I had. And then we realised that our plan to get the boat to Southbank for our next gig had some timing flaws in it, so we dashed for the train, only to find our timing was not quite right there either. But it didn’t matter, the lovely Kirsty still had cookies in her bag from the Watsonian’s picnic, so fed us as we looked at Venus in the night sky. Until a random man came and ranted at us that we were wrong (there is an app for that and we checked, we were not wrong), he told us to google someone, as this wise woman knew what the mystical light in the sky was... we laughed, a lot.

We dashed into the upside down purple cow tent, that is Udderbelly on Southbank, just a couple of minutes after Andrew Maxwell’s Fullmooners had started.

Words cannot describe Andrew Maxwell’s outfit (see the photo, you will know which one I mean). He had a go, he said he was going for “summer” and then later there was some discussion about how the tight 80s shorts were squashing his knicker kittens. It was my first Fullmooners, and I did enjoy the cabaret aspect of it, it felt like a proper Edinburgh late show (which is where I will see it next), the only part of the concept I wonder about is the howling at the moon. I understand why... Fullmooners, but is it not forcing people to react to comedy rather than waiting for the laughs? The idea is that people howl instead of laugh, sometimes the crowd start it off and then the moon picture is projected onto the back of the stage, but sometimes the picture is up first and the audience reacts. The howling was lots of fun, but there were one or two times it felt like I was in the audience of a sitcom and someone had held up the APPLAUSE sign. The first act was Adam Bloom, I had never seen him before and although he was very energetic and I did laugh out loud a few times there were a couple of bits of his material I was not comfortable with. I had heard about his vegetarian material from Michael Legge’s blog which he did at the end of his set. I don’t mind offensiveness or pushing boundaries, but it just didn’t make me giggle as much as I had hoped. I didn’t think it went as well as it could have done for Adam, despite him stating every few minutes how much he was enjoying the gig. The breakdancers are a regular feature of Fullmooners and do it very well, I do think it is a great way of energising the crowd again. Lady Carol is another regular, she was very beautiful and played the ukulele while singing a song (I think some of the lyrics of the song passed me by, but it was entertaining none the less). Abandoman were another act I had not seen and they were excellent. I can’t say I am a fan of hip hop but the way they improvised the lyrics and had fun with the audience was genius. There first song being “Something in my pocket”, I did hope to see more of them but it was a packed show. The final act was Steve Hughes, I think I have seen him before maybe at Latitude?), he is an Australian comic who is very at ease on stage. Some interesting political commentary including a bit of ranting, just my kind of comedy. I really enjoyed his set. After all of the acts had performed (breakdancers and Lady Carol twice) it was time for the closing ceremony. This takes place outside of Udderbelly as we reached the 1am kick out time (they wouldn’t even let us go back in to wee after). Sir Timothy Fitzhighham (who was on the sound and lights desk all evening and had some wonderful banter with Andrew Maxwell between acts) brought the ceremonial bugle following the still caped and caned Andrew Maxwell. They climbed onto a raised flower bed at the entrance to the udderbelly pasture where the crowd surrounded them. Sir Tim drank a pint of beer through the bugle which he then played as we all saluted. Someone had thought it a great idea to light a Chinese lantern at this point and watch it float into the sky. However, it flew straight into the tree above us and staying there burning dangerously, resulting in Andrew and Sir Tim climbing around trying to know it out of the tree. As all of this was going on some of the people I was with remembered it was now my birthday and sang to me... aw lovely.

We then wandered through Waterloo (for the wee the Udderbelly staff wouldn’t let us have) and in search of food, realising we had only had a couple of bits of cake at the picnic and nothing else since breakfast. Neale (@ColonelHitch), Vicky and I not only found chips n cheese, but we also found a possible entry for Pun Street on Dave Gorman’s Absolute radio podcast (I think it deserves fail lane, but I have not checked the website yet to see if it already exists). Then finally after a great day, we were needed sleep ready for day 2 of the comedy adventure...

Thank you for reading if you got this far (I do realise this is more for my own future recollection than anything else). Oh and sorry I didn’t mention all of the tweeters I met up with, there were too many of you, and I don’t know all of the twitter names, do say hello though.

Turning 30.

2010-06-23T23:10:00.000+01:00

I feel I should write something about turning 30, as I am about to do so in July. I don’t dread it but it is a bit of a mile stone, so here is a ramble on my thoughts.

For me turning 30 is the next big step after turning 18 and becoming an adult (21 didn’t mean much in all honesty). I feel I am now a proper grown up, an adult, responsible and I do grown up things. Don’t get me wrong I still do immature things and have my silly moments, but I do own a house, I have a career and I have debt. They are grown up things, right?

I know it is incredibly cliché but I do think I now know myself better, I have “grown as a person” (I actually shuddered as I wrote that). What I mean by this is that at the age of 18 you think you know it all and the world is your oyster, at 30 you are more realistic (well I am anyway). I have cemented some beliefs and opinions, and on some of those opinions I even think I have enough knowledge to argue my point. The thing is, that I don’t think it is necessarily the fact I am almost 30, it could have taken me until I was 31 to feel like this, or I could have felt it earlier. A lot has happened in the last few months to make me feel more comfortable with my sense of self, but I know that my life experiences also had a lot to do with it, the ended relationships, the times at university, jobs, and the choices I have made. The only way in which this is linked to me turning 30 is that at this point in my life I have chosen to reflect on the last few years, as I believe may be a bit of a tradition.

In all honesty when reflecting there is a tiny sense of fear. Have I done enough by this age? But then I am rational now. I used to have a list of things I wanted to achieve by the time I was 30. I will embarrass myself and tell you what they were and then explain how I feel about them now (I’m hoping I will get them straight in my own head and feel ok).

- Goal 1 – Be married by the time I am 30 (it was actually by my late 20s). This was one of those dreams I had when I was 18, when life was simple. Of course it would be easy to meet a man, fall in love and be married by the time I was 30. In reality it is not, don’t get me wrong I have thought I have been close, I have been in committed relationships, they did of course end for various reasons. I now realise (as I have blogged about before) that not only is love not that simple, but that I’m not even sure I feel the need to get married anymore. I would like to meet someone and be in love, who wouldn’t? But I have enjoyed my recent spell of being single. I no longer feel the need to do what is expected of me by society (not all of you I know), I just want to be happy, and right now I am.

- Goal 2 – Have my first child at the age of 30. Yet again another dream from when I was younger. I thought having a child at the age of 30 was the ideal age. I could have established a career and had some fun, and have a child before I am too old for it to be a more difficult process and I had the energy. Again as I have got older I have realised that I am not even sure that I want children. I’m not sure I don’t either. I think it will depend on if/when I meet the right person and how our life grows together. I like the idea of the freedom of not having children, in that I can be selfish and live my life how I want to, without the added responsibilities. But I also know the great rewards from having children. For now I am happy with my 14 nieces and nephews and 4 god children (yes my friend does know I am an atheist, but we have agreed it is about moral guardianship and being close to the children). I get the benefits without the responsibilities. Some of my family and friends do seem to judge me, asking “When are you going to have kids? You need to find a man.”. To me this is just wrong, to rush into having children or a relationship is dangerous, I know for some people it does work, good for them. But for many it is the beginning of the end, without the right foundations these things can go wrong and be a struggle (I know they can go wrong even with the right foundations). So for this particular goal, what will be, will be, I’m in no rush. And if it doesn’t happen, I can live with that.

- Goal 3 – Have a career. Not an unrealistic goal I feel. I was always determined to go to university and I did. I was the first person in my extended family to do so. After university I was lost for a while. I chose to do psychology and then found I could not access an assistant psychology post as I got a 2:1 and didn’t have a wealth of voluntary experience as I had to work my way through university, so had little spare time. So I drifted unsure what to do, working in retail (the careers advice at university really should have been better). Until I stumbled upon an advert in the local paper for mental health nursing training. The rest is history. I have a career. I have progressed within it gained promotions and I am really looking forward to the way my career is going to change in the next few months as our services are developed. Job done. (I did also want to earn my age, as a pipe dream, which would mean I should earn 30k now. I don’t, I guess I shouldn’t have chosen nursing if it was about the money. I am happy with my choice).

- Goal 4 – Own a house. I do. I would say job done on that score except it is not that simple. I have a huge financial commitment hanging over my head. Times have changed, this may not be such a good thing. With the economy the way it is I actually probably owe more on my house than it is worth. I hope that as the economy improves (and I hope it does) things will change. This does put me in a difficult position. I have itchy feet, I want to move to London or even Manchester (where I went to university). I crave the independence and adventure. To find a job there wouldn’t be too hard as I have 6 and half years of experience and a lot of extra training, but I have a house here. Perhaps my rush and desire to own a house was flawed. It is too late now. I will have to wait it out or look at other options if I do ever seriously decide to move.

They were my goals. I don’t think I have done too bad, or at least I have reassessed my goals and what is important to me. So turning 30 is not so scary, it is not too old to do anything. I now try not to have such fixed goals, but to be happy. I have realised more recently that I have been more happy as I have had more fun experiences. It has not been about possessions, money or having things, or even babies. Experiences have given me memories, but before that they have given me excitement in the build up and the opportunity to meet new people. I have just started reading Prof Richard Wiseman’s 59 Seconds: Think a Little Change A Lot and my suspicions have been confirmed in the research cited within the first couple of chapters. People are more happy if they have more fun experiences rather than if they have material needs met. It is also about connections with people and giving to others where you can (not necessarily money/gifts but time and compliments). This is how I plan to continue.

So in summary, I haven’t achieved my goals I wanted to by the time I was 30, but I don’t care. My goals have changed, I have changed. I look forward to the adventure of the coming years and try my best to not see it as a ticking clock where the time is running out. I aim to make the most of all the time I have, after all none of us know how long we have (yes, you may be a little bit sick in your mouth thanks to that mushy outburst). Thanks for reading my ramble. I do feel better now. See it worked.

Oh and it may be worth pointing out that I have avoided the traditional 30^th birthday party with my twin sister (yes she is annoyed so I have to go to Alton Towers with her the week before). I am spending the weekend in London having some comedy adventures with some lovely people I have met over the last few months. Then on my actual birthday I am going to the #PreciousLittle live podcast party, where I hope to meet more new people and I am pretty much guaranteed laughs and beer. Perfect.

In Touch With Reality?

2010-06-15T20:44:00.001+01:00

Last night I went to Skeptics in the Pub in Sheffield, where Professor Chris French was speaking around the subject of memory and cognitive processes in relation to anomalistic psychology and the paranormal. It was a very interesting but what followed stirred my interest further. It was something that was said in the Q&A after, Chris said “It is not always a good thing to be in touch with reality”, this is an idea I want explore in this blog. It was discussed last night and I will dip into the ideas mentioned there but it inspired me to think further about it.

The main idea discussed was that reality is based on a spectrum and is largely culturally grounded. I’m sure some people in the world would consider someone who believed that some wine was the actual blood of Christ, or that shouting at the sky would make it rain are totally delusional ideas, yet with cultural relevance of a tribe or religion they make some sense. I am not saying they are logical or have any grounding in evidence, just that you would not have someone sectioned under the Mental Health Act for it.

I will warn you, I go a little off topic here, but I will be back...

This was how it was discussed last night. It is in fact more serious than you might consider, when people are detained under the Mental Health Act for the first time it is initially for a period of assessment, this can be 72 hours (if brought on a section 136 or 135 by the police to a place of safety, or already an inpatient, requiring further assessment by another doctor and a social worker) or it can be up to 28 days (Section2). Of course there are other sections of the Mental Health used to detain patients in hospital for longer periods, but the initial decision/diagnosis of a mental health problem should be done in that brief period. The reason why there is a period of assessment is that there can be many reasons for the appearance of what some people may consider a “mental health problem”. For someone to even get put on a Section 2, 3 health professionals (and or a nearest relative) must agree that it is the appropriate course of action.

Unfortunately, it can often be the use of drugs or alcohol, where use of or withdrawal from can lead to psychotic symptoms. Sometimes, particularly in the elderly an infection or illness can produce such symptoms. In such cases it is often found that once cause is established and treatment started the condition rapidly improves (although not always with drug induced psychosis, as repeated episodes can lead to slower recovery, prolonged illness and a diagnosis of schizophrenia) further detention in hospital is not usually necessary.

In other cases, and here is why I am on this topic, an interpreter needs to be sought and explanations looked into for behaviours that have or are still occurring. I have seen cases where clinicians have believed phrases/actions to be evidence of psychosis, but with further knowledge found that they are actually expressions of grief/religion in other cultures. In our catchment area there are a lot of refugees/asylum seekers, this means that not only do we get a large variety of languages/cultures to understand but also a lot of people who have been through traumatic events and may seek mental health services. Understanding such cases, does take some time and digging for relevant information. The reason I bring this up, is that we should all be aware of our own cultural biases. What we may judge as abnormal or even insane behaviour may be perfectly “normal” (for want of a better word) in another culture, just as some behaviours we see as everyday things may be perceived differently in another country. We should all make an effort to be aware of such perceptions and judgements. I am as guilty as the next person of such bias; even the other day as I tucked into my sausage sandwich, I was shocked at my friend Geoff for eating okra and chilli for breakfast with his fingers, but in Ghana that was perfectly normal. (A less extreme example I know, but I am aware of confidentiality issues).

Now back to reality (I mean back on topic)...

As stated before it should be seen as a scale, and in fact some loss of touch with reality can be a good thing. As Professor Chris French said last night, you or I have an unrealistic optimism; we believe good things will happen in life (lottery win, pay rise, better job, or fall in love) where as when it is looked at depressed people have it more accurate than us. I don’t want us to all get depressed, optimism is good, but it is not based on facts and figures, on evidence, therefore it is not based on reality. Yet it is a cultural norm, for thousands and thousands of people to play the lottery every week, something I believe some cultures would neither approve of nor understand when you consider what could be done with that kind of money. I want to continue to hope for a better job/life but I have no evidence it will happen (I do not however believe in fate, I do believe in consequences and coincidences, and if the right ones occur I may have some unexpected wonderful experiences, I choose to look at life this way instead of the pessimistic way).

Some people like to be a little eccentric, different, odd maybe. And in my opinion (and I am sure there are numerous references for it) there are people who like being “a little bit mad” (I know not a PC term, but let me explain).There are people with personality traits that do not fit “the norm”, they may appear a little odd, sometimes make people uncomfortable, but they get on with life and do no one any harm.

I have met several patients who have had mental health problems for a number of years, this is something they learn to cope with in their own unique ways, yes we offer advice, support, education and medication, but they still have to cope on a daily basis. Occasionally we may suggest a new treatment to a patient, at this point I have had discussions where a patient has to consider what it would be like to not “have voices” or fixed beliefs, something which can be frightening and incomprehensible, especially if they cannot remember how they were prior to being unwell. Some people as they recover have even reported missing their “voices” (not all auditory hallucinations are negative or abusive, some are supportive although this is less common) a sense of loss. I know this is more about coping with change and regaining “touch with reality” but we must consider that it is not always what the person wants it is sometimes what society wants, and therefore a much more difficult transition.

People with Bipolar disorder often report that they like being “slightly high”, that is just on the edge of a manic episode, and why not? There is elevation of mood, motivation, energy, creativity, a lack of need for sleep, however as mania worsens there is even less sleep and a detrimental effect on health including irrational behaviours (which can include spending, sexual dis-inhibition, mood swings, aggression, risk taking). There is point at which mania is for some people, rather nice, imagine an overwhelming optimism and belief in your own abilities (not necessarily an accurate belief), unfortunately health professionals and relatives (and many patients) know this stage does not last and that medication and support are needed to stabilise the condition or treat the full manic episode, this can mean a substantial period in hospital.

I know I have wondered off topic (again) from what we discussed at Skeptics in the Pub, into mental health but as was stated last night, being in touch with reality or not is absolutely fine, what matters is how it impacts on your life and the lives of those around you. You cannot believe you have the right to run the streets with a machete demanding things, and I’m sure there would be concerns if you would not leave your house due to fear of alien attack, to the point where you did not buy food. But for some people to believe in a man sitting on a cloud in the sky watching over them and they go to a building to talk or sing about this, or really believe that next week they might win the lottery if they are “lucky”, then fine, I can tolerate that. I can’t say it is logical or an opinion I share (although I have been guilty of buying random lottery tickets infrequently, even though I know the maths), but sometimes I may hold such beliefs even with flawed logic. A little blind optimism goes a long way (sometimes).

As a skeptic the way in which I find this unacceptable is if someone is provided with evidence for/against such beliefs (or fails to provide any evidence, but state they know it is true), and then they continue to hold their views. If a patient at work were to introduce me to the alien that had abducted him, or show me the implant via an x-ray, then of course I would believe them and help them barricade themselves in a suitably protected place, I would not give them anti-psychotic medication. I do jest slightly, there are extremes, believing in aliens is not necessarily evidence of mental health problems (I remain agnostic about them I have seen no evidence they exists, but am aware that there are probabilities suggesting it is possible). It is where there is significant impact on life despite a lack of evidence, where such beliefs are detrimental to a person’s or other people’s health or safety that steps need to be taken, whether it be the diagnosis of a mental health problem or correction of a flawed cultural system (e.g. the way in which religion impacted on and still does impact on education).

As stated at the beginning of this very long ramble, it all depends on cultural relevance as well as impact on daily life and other’s lives. I don’t think I do ever want to be truly logical all of the time, like some kind of Vulcan (yes I know they are fictional too). I like my occasional naivety, my small irrational beliefs. I do still press the button at a pedestrian crossing over and over, knowing it will not make the lights change faster. I don’t mind that some people hold stronger irrational beliefs than me, I do mind if it gets the way of people’s health or well being, so someone believing in faith healing for example and avoiding medicine in order to seek such “treatment” and encouraging others to do so, I cannot condone at all and I would openly object to. Yes, in an ideal world everyone would be a skeptic, but I don’t think we can be, nor should we be logical about everything all of the time, a little loss of touch with reality can be quite refreshing.

Thanks if you made it this far, feel free to correct me, disagree, agree. (please don't be too harsh I am poorly today).

Sayings I won’t say

2010-05-30T11:15:00.000+01:00

I know it is being pedantic but I have realised particularly in the last few months that there are a number of sayings and phrases commonly used that I have decided I cannot use anymore. This is not as easy as it sounds, they are on the tip of my tongue. But I have a rationale so I am trying to teach myself to not use them. I will go through them and explain why.

Good Luck

I cannot believe in luck, it is to me illogical. I don’t believe in the concept of fate, that our lives are pre-determined by some greater being/cosmic force, so I cannot believe in luck for the same reasons. I cannot use good or bad luck as excuses for things that have or haven’t happened, to me things happen because people make them happen and a series of consequences. Yet every day I see someone wish someone or me luck. My problem with this one is that I want to pass on the sentiment used by saying “Good luck” but I now refuse to use those words. It has become “I hope it goes well” but it does seem to lack the oomph that good luck has. So any suggestions for rephrasing that saying would be gratefully accepted.

Touch Wood

This one is also illogical and can be applied to all such sayings, yet I still find I have to stop myself from doing it. Let’s be honest unless you believe in some kind of luck fairy or magic wood monster, then touching wood does absolutely nothing. I don’t even know where the saying came from (and am too lazy/not interested to google it). Even as recently as this week I have found myself going to do it, a creature of habit I guess. But yet again saying “Yeah I hope so.” seems to have less impact as the act of saying and actually touching wood. But I think this is due to how common the sayings are.

God

“God knows.” “Thank God.” You get the message. Sayings with God in them. Now I realise that many people I chat with online use them out if habit, but the pedant in me cringes when I know they are atheists. They don’t “Thank God” or care/believe that “God knows”, they don’t even believe he/she/it exists, neither do I. But I know it is that they are used in every day language, people use such sayings for their implied meanings not their literal ones. I know it is a little ridiculous that it has come my bugbear, but it has. I don’t point it out to people when they use them, but I do have an grumble to myself.

Go to Hell

This one needs little explanation. As an atheist I do not believe in heaven or hell, so how can I want to tell someone to go to an imaginary place? I know it is the idea behind the saying that is implied “Go to some horrific torturous place where you will burn for eternity”, but if I were being logical and true to my believes I should say just that, for this one I do find that “Fuck off” replaces it quite nicely. And if I am in a social situation where fuck off is inappropriate, then I shouldn’t really be telling them to go to hell either, as it could also be judged as a little rude.

As sure as eggs is eggs

“Is” surely you mean “are”? Yes my pedantry knows no bounds. This one I don’t like just because the grammar sounds and feels wrong. “Eggs” is a plural so surely “are” should be used? I agree with the sentiment behind the saying it is based in logic, and yes I know that it is a jocular misquotation, but it irritates me.

I know there are many more sayings yo which I apply this logic, but they are difficult to think of when I haven’t seen them. I am not judging anyone who does use these sayings, merely pointing out that they are to me, illogical. I am slowly teaching myself to not use them, although it is not easy they are, as I said before, on the tip of the tongue just waiting for use. I’m not sure it makes me a better critical thinker at all to actually consider the meaning of what I am saying before I say it. But it is a habit I have got into. Please feel free to add any sayings you can’t stand in the comments section and of course tell me your thoughts on the matter.

Thanks for reading.

Knowledge is... scary

2010-05-18T20:09:00.000+01:00

Prompted by a few online conversations I have realised how much I have learnt in the last year or so. Partly because I became a non medical prescriber (I blogged a bit about ignorance being bliss on this topic here). So I accumulated much more knowledge about psychopharmacology, legal and ethical issues in prescribing. But also through delving into skepticism, rationalism and critical thinking. (Let’s not forget comedy too, knowing about the comedy scene is also knowledge, perhaps not particularly useful although I have reaped some benefits.)

Don’t get me wrong, I have not mastered any of the above subjects yet. This is my point. By realising I have an interest in or a need to learn about such subjects, I have discovered how much information is out there that I do not know. It is almost overwhelming. The books I haven’t read, theories and views I don’t understand (the acts I haven’t seen yet). I realise that we can’t expect to be experts in all the subjects we have an interest in, but perhaps we do hope to acquire enough knowledge to have a reasonable informed conversation about such issues? (This is where I am ok with my comedy knowledge, but I still love to find/learn more).

I think my fear and realisation may stem from the fact that I think or assume that my memory is not very good. However, there may be evidence to the contrary. Firstly anecdotally, in a chat with a friend I said much the same and she exclaimed, “But you know loads!” and we discussed it from there. I guess I do have some knowledge about things, but I recall when at university the first time I used to memorise references for exam essays and could rattle off numerous theories and viewpoints easily. Thinking about this rationally I realise I used to study for hours in order to have such information at the forefront of my memory. Secondly, in certain subjects I do “know loads”, I know my job and am not bad on mental health law, NICE guidelines, Clozapine and ECT, but these are topics I work with on a daily basis. I am constantly learning but as a scenario crops up I can recall similar situations and figure out a solution or where to look for the answer. In my job I may be considered “an expert” (I am the Lead Clinician).

I would like to feel the same confidence in discussing other topics, one not work related but to my opinions and beliefs. However I find myself attempting to discuss the issues and relying on “Have you read...” then failing to summarise how the viewpoint in the book matched or differed from my own. I am hoping that as I read more, learn more and blog more my skills and memory for such facts may improve.

Much like when at university, and even more so when nurse training, I recall the panic in the first few weeks of not thinking I would be able to acquire all the knowledge I needed to pass the course/qualify. But bit by bit as these course progressed and my brain began to link the information and ground it in my daily knowledge, then hey presto. I knew stuff, and of course I passed and qualified. I must admit I had the same crippling fear when I began nursing and did my first week of night shifts. They were terrifying, and there were not many people around to back me up, what if I didn’t know what to do and people were busy? Thankfully in my first week of nights I had the pleasure of working with a very wise nurse (they don’t leave you on your own on nights at first) who told me “I have been a psych nurse for nearly 30 years and I am still learning.” Boom, it hit me then in that moment, I didn’t need to know everything I can keep learning, I can ask, I can look in books, journals, policies and guidance notes. From then on I was not frightened of my lack of knowledge and learned to enjoy finding things out I wasn’t so sure about, also as a team nurses and doctors constantly teach each other.

As I hoped would happen, in typing this blog, I am now panicking much less. I should treat my new thirst for knowledge and fear of a lack of it, just as I did in university and when I started nursing. I should recognise that there will come a point when the information fits together and I gain some confidence, but that I will also continue to learn from a variety of sources. Phew, I feel better now.

Thanks if you read this.

Twittiquette

2010-05-09T21:45:00.000+01:00

I have visited this subject before, but events this week have led me to ponder etiquette on twitter further. I remain unsure of the “rules” of twitter, mainly due to the fact that people use it in very different ways. Some people use it to gather information from many sources, others like myself to chat and connect with people and I would assume that many celebrities use it as a way of promoting their work and getting feedback (and rightly so). So I guess the rules are different depending on why and how you are using it.

I followed suit with a couple of fellow tweeters and unfollowed a few people this week. Not for any negative reason, but just because I felt I was following too many people, which meant if I spent time away from twitter I was struggling to catch up. Unfollowing is difficult. I selected tweeters who had not been very active lately and one or two I thought I hadn’t connected with very much. But the whole business feels a bit rude. I have been unfollowed by a couple of people recently that I have noticed (I tried to send DMs to them) and have to admit there was an initial sting. Why would someone unfollow me? What have I done? Am I dull or irritating on twitter? (Possibly)Then I thought about it and realised it does not matter. I have plenty of followers and it is not about numbers, it is for me, about connections, so as long as I can still chat to those people it does not matter that they unfollowed me, they may also want to clear their feed a little (I do tweet a lot). So long as I haven’t been blocked, then I assume I have caused no offence. I have had conversations with a couple of tweeters that I have met who have honestly said they don’t follow me because I tweet a lot, but they will from time to time check my feed and happily chat to me if I send a @ reply. Fair enough.

I have considered unfollowing a few more people but haven’t for fear of causing offence for exactly the reasons people have unfollowed me. If people chat a lot it is sometimes too much to catch up on. A solution would be to unfollow one or two people in a group so that the connection remains but as you don’t see all of the conversations unless you follow both parties, so your feed would not be as busy. However, how do you choose without causing offence? But I also want to remain involved in some conversations and wonder if I will miss a trick if I don’t always follow everyone in those groups. Being nosey has consequences, it means I have to see all the conversations I am not so interested in or don’t have time to read just to be able to get involved in the ones I am.

To me facebook makes it clear, if someone removes me as a friend on there it sends a clear message. I have removed people who added me because we went to school together, but then did not ever chat or get in touch, what is the point? But as facebook is not like twitter as it is updated with such frequency that it is easier to manage to have more “friends” on there and keep up with it, plus I often only go on to look what one or two individuals have been up to or read blogs. Twitter is not the same you don’t actually remove the person fully unless you block them.

Twitter is a social networking tool and as I have said before I have made new friends from it. In getting to know people online I also use messenger, facebook and email with various (but not all) tweeters (usually the ones I have met face to face). The people I have got to know better tend to use email or messenger for more personal chats. I don’t tend to put really personal information on twitter (which I have explained in previous blogs). So I don’t think it is necessarily a bad thing to unfollow someone you are still friends with if you have other ways of staying in touch. You can still have conversations on twitter (so long as the person you unfollow understands and continues to follow you, or if you just regularly check each other’s feed). I would unfollow celebrities and comedians if I was not amused or interested by them, but sometimes there is an ulterior motive, such as that they may give me information about gigs etc. With non celebs it is a much harder choice to make.

I think I can manage my current level for now, but if I struggle again I may have to reconsider who I follow. I am curious to know other people’s thoughts on unfollowing people. Does it feel personal? Does it matter if you are still in touch in other places like facebook, forums, messenger and via email?

Is blood thicker than water?

2010-05-02T15:36:00.000+01:00

I am not stupid I know it is in the literal sense, but that is not what I want to ponder in this blog. Some things have happened with friends and family over the last few weeks (which I won’t go into detail about) which have left me wondering what it means to be “family”.

There seems to be an assumption that if you are related by blood or on some minute genetic level then you must automatically have a connection with and love that person. I disagree. There I said it. I do not love everyone in my family, is that controversial? I love all of my friends, if I didn’t we wouldn’t be friends we would be colleagues, friends who drifted apart or in the extreme enemies. I cannot choose my family, but genetics will not and cannot dictate my emotions. To me love is a connection, a mutual respect and liking of someone else, not having the knowledge that someone we are related to had sex resulting in a person’s existence.

In all honesty I do not like everyone in my family, I can even go as far to say there is one person I actually hate, I wouldn’t spit on him if he was on fire. I know that is a harsh statement, but obviously I have reasons for such feelings. That is my point; there are actions and consequences which lead to emotions. I am aware that evolution would suggest that I would have some innate need to protect my gene pool, and in a sense I do. But we have evolved since then and are now very complex creatures; it is no longer about survival of the fittest. The remnants of this evolutionary need are still there, I don’t know whether it is genetics, or the logical reasoning I give to it, but yes I do on some level care about my family. I still don’t love them all, the depth of the relationships are in groups, close family, people I know, who know me, we get on, we enjoy spending time together, I love those people (even if I don’t see them very often). Then the family I have spent lots of time with over the years, but perhaps not so much recently, our fond memories bond us and keep the love there, some of these people I wish I knew better, something I can remedy. Then the relatives I know, in that I know they are alive, but not much of their personalities, we have never spent much time together, I don’t know their interests, nor they mine. This is where I honestly don’t think I can say there is any love. There is some level of emotion, but in thinking about it logically, I think that it is that I care if something happens to those people because it will have an emotional impact on the people in my inner family circles, and I do love them. Then there are the relatives I have not met. In all honesty, I don’t know or care about those people, unless someone I am close to does, then I have the need to protect the distant relatives from harm in order to protect the feelings of those I do love. I’m aware this all sounds very harsh, but I honestly think it is true.

I guess I should admit that this partially because I have examined my feelings when some long lost relatives got in touch recently. We haven’t seen them in over 10 years, since they were very young. I don’t know them, so I don’t love them. Is this wrong, something tells me it is, but I have the need to be honest with myself. I’m not saying over time I won’t love them, but I also might not like them. I don’t understand the social need for me to have an instant connection with these people. Yes we have some aspect of shared history, but whether we get on will depend on if we both think we are nice people, we have common interests and values.

I have some close friends who know me much better than some of my family, I feel closer to them. I have discussed with such friends my feeling about them and family and they understand my logic. These feeling were concreted recently when I considered my will, thinking about which of your possessions and how much money would go to whom after I die puts a lot in perspective. I won’t be around to face the consequences of my actions, so I can be blunt and honest (although I must admit there were some token gifts to save my Mum some heartache). In doing this I realised I have lots of people close to me who I love, not all of them family. I have realised that if I don’t like someone I cannot love them, I don’t believe in the social construct that you have to love your family, “You may not like them, but you love them, they are family.” Wrong! I cannot have two conflicting emotions about one person. If I don’t like them, I don’t love them. I care if something happens to them because of the fall out, the consequences of this that someone I do love may be in distress, this should not be confused with love.

Thanks for reading, as usual please feel free to disagree with me, debate or comment via my blog, email or twitter.

Mental Health

2010-04-24T22:45:00.001+01:00

I was inspired to write this blog when I saw this link and pledged to talk more about mental health. Mental health awareness is very important and not promoted enough. Of course I am a mental health nurse so I would say this, but if you read my blog regularly I need to ramble on such things, this is me trying to get my thoughts on mental health issues straight in my own head and hopefully encourage you to promote mental health awareness.

Of course in my chosen profession I think mental health awareness is extremely important. I see first-hand how stigmatising mental health problems can be, and sometimes from surprising places. I find than even other medical professionals who do not work in mental health have preconceived ideas about people with mental health problems, assuming they will be disruptive or need an escort for a procedure or test. This is not always the case, to me it should be our judgement as staff who know the *patient/client/service user (*choose your preferred term, I will use patient from now on) to decide if they need such support or of there is any risk. They do not ask every person who comes from home to have a nurse escort for an x-ray or some other test, do they? And to be honest a lot of the general public are much more scary than a person with mental health problems.

People ask me what it is like to work on a mental health ward, and in all honesty it can be very busy and stressful, but the reason why I and many other people choose it as a profession is that we get to meet some really nice people. Yes, they are unwell but to see improvement in them is our reward. And regardless of mental health problems, the patients still have a personality, they are people with feelings and opinions, yes they can be a bit muddled up in the case of psychosis but such people are still likeable/admirable/intelligent/nice people even in an acute episode. In the same vein, yes there are people I don’t particularly get on with too, but I am not expected to like everyone, so long as I fulfil my duty of care and treat them all with the respect I expect, it is fine.

The thing that annoys me most about other people’s perceptions of people with mental health problems is, well there are several...

- They are not deaf or stupid, there is no need to talk really slowly or patronise them. They may have difficulty concentrating if really unwell (as they often are when admitted to acute wards), but this means you should keep it clear and simple in such cases and not always expect a coherent answer (I mean this when patients are really unwell not when recovered). Be patient and considerate, give them some time if it is obvious they are struggling. But most of all if they are an adult, speak to them as if they are one, they or their carer will tell you if further explanation is needed. Have some respect. You don’t know their level of functioning, don’t just assume it is very poor.

- People get better and have full lives to varying degrees. Some mental health problems mean people need to relearn skills such as caring for themselves or social interaction. Some people need support for a long time or even their whole lives, but others recover more quickly and should not be “labelled” or assumed to be “crazy” or unable to function as well as you or I. I have seen people from many professions and for the want of a better word “classes” have issues with mental health problems. It can affect anyone at any time in their lives. Yes some social groups may be more likely to suffer such illnesses due to poverty, stressors, environment, social upbringing, nutrition, alcohol or illicit substance misuse. But none of us are immune. Many people have a serious mental health problem and either recover or learn to manage the symptoms and live happy and full lives. If you hear someone has had mental health problems, don’t make assumptions.

- Getting back to work can be a big step. If people have not worked for months or years due to a serious mental health problem, it can be daunting. Such issues are made worse by the fact that employers can harbour such negative perceptions of mental health problems. When in reality, if they were unable to function at a level to do a job most patients would not even be applying. Judgements should not be made from a mental health problem being listed on an application form, meet the person and decide for yourself, ask questions. Everyone is different. Some people will only ever have one episode of mental health problems, others may have repeated episodes, but ask about coping strategies and relapse signatures (if they are comfortable talking to you about it and it is appropriate, again don’t assume they want to talk).

I know I work at one extreme of the spectrum of mental health problems, but I do know from my work with outpatients and personal experiences that there is a stigma which can be very damaging for more than the above reasons. Even people who are managed by their GP face such problems. Mental health is not discussed enough fairly in the media. Even this week I saw a “celebrity” on the news talking about her mental health problems and sensationalising them. This does not help. Over exaggerated or dramatic stories or statements do not give the perception of most people’s experience. Celebrities need to think about the influence they have on the general public, use research and facts. Yes, by all means tell their story (as dramatically as they like, if they must), but remember it is not how everyone will experience such problems, they should promote using GPs, psychiatrists and the treatments available, seeking help is often the hardest step. They should not fall into the trap of reinforcing the negative perceptions of mental health.

In all I am saying, don’t make assumptions about people with mental health problems, talk to people about mental health issues, encourage others to do the same. We need to foster a society where it is possible to be open about such issues and have open discussion.

Thanks for reading, comments, tweets or emails of your thoughts would be lovely if you don’t mind and have the time.

Twitter friends?

2010-04-16T22:23:00.000+01:00

This blog is a little more personal than I usually write, but as always the purpose of it is to help me get my thoughts straight. It is not intended to be a moan, I hope that is not how it is perceived.

I recently experienced twitter paranoia, a moment where I wondered if I should use it at all. A crisis of twaith (sorry). Of course I still do, but I need to explore why such a moment occurred.

There are groups of people on twitter who chat regularly, I first joined when a bunch of people from the angry (feet) forum did so I was lucky to experience such a friendly crowd. However, occasionally being in a group can be very lonely when you feel less included. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that you can’t always be central in conversations, even with groups of people you “know” online. Thinking about it rationally once the moment has passed, I realise perhaps I was not that chatty enough on the day in question, a little grumpy maybe.

I also wonder how I can have so many followers yet only a few of them chat or respond to tweets. I go through my followers every now and then and remove suspected spambots, or the ones that are just following me due to a random word, unless of course they look like fun, then they can stay. Surely there can’t be that many lurkers? Not that there is anything wrong with it, it just makes me curious. I don’t tweet anything very exciting, I’m not very funny, it is just mundane every day thoughts, a few links and the occasional drunk tweet. How or why do they continue to follow me?

I know a part of my little crisis was thinking too much, I have a habit of this. I was considering how much people on twitter really know me. The answer is they don’t. A few know more about me than others as we have over the last year or so divulged information and got to know each other’s humour and tastes. But is that really knowing someone? When do you really know someone? Should you attempt such a task through twitter? At the end of the day it is a social networking site, but I understand it is mostly superficial (I have blogged about such issues before, see here). I have made some true friends through twitter, people who have got in touch outside of the twitterverse and been there when I needed them, but we are still getting to know each other properly. I guess it is hard making new friends, as I have a group of friends I have had for many years, new ones tend to not come along that often. I seem to be over thinking it don’t I? I know logically you can’t decide when someone is a friend or just someone you know, but to me it is when conversation is easier in real life, when you feel comfortable chatting about more than common interests such as comedy. I must also remember that they may thinking similar things.

So on the night in question I was lurking (as I often do) and saw some conversations about plans to meet up, it was for an event I cannot attend. If I wanted to go I would have asked if it was ok and met everyone else, I wouldn’t expect an invite, there are too many shows and I don’t travel for them that much. But then I pondered on their interactions, and at that time believed they were all friends, not just people who know each other and meet up sometimes, but true friends. I admit I was a little jealous. After some sleep I realised this was ridiculous. I have made friends through twitter. Feeling more comfortable with them not only takes time, but effort on my part. Effort to meet, to chat and to be less superficial. I also think I perhaps underestimate some of the friendships I have made, it is possible.

I think another string to the bow was that I had discussed on twitter the possibility of me moving to London. I would like to live in London, but there are some practical issues to overcome. When chatting I got a little excited at the prospect, thinking... well I know people, there are all my twitter friends so I won’t be lonely. Then it hit me, the realisation that online relationships and real life ones can be a very different thing. As I have said before, who I am on twitter is an impression of me. I choose what people should know. I don’t always express my frustrations, anger or even my happiness. It depends who I want to know such things. I then thought moving to London was an insane idea, to a city where I don’t know anyone, or my way around and I have no friends. Of course in the light of day, there are people who I could get to know, who I assume would meet me for drinks etc and we would become better friends. I’m not saying I am moving to London but in thinking about it, it is not impossible really.

Having over thought all of the above I realised, I love twitter because of its superficial nature. I can have silly, random chats it is not about how dull or stressful work was that day, or the current family dispute, it is light hearted and fun. I am in contact with some tweeters more than others, but happy to chat to new ones too. It is about exploring people. Fair enough, they may not ever meet me or become true friends, but some might. I may meet some people and they may remain just people I know, but I cannot guess the future. I should just enjoy the ride.

I feel better about it all now, it was a silly moment, it has passed. Thanks for reading. I would love to hear any thoughts.

Los Quattros Cvnts

2010-04-10T14:20:00.000+01:00

I don’t often blog about comedy nights as my blog is usually used for thinking things through, but this week has been so great it deserves a ramble, so here goes.

LOS QUATTROS CVNTS

I have seen these four cunts before at their first show in November, so I was excited to go again (I did try another time, but it was cancelled so we had beer instead, lots of beer, but that is a story I will not tell on here). This time was different, firstly there was no Jeremy Limb as he decided to go cruising in Rio instead, however it was explained to us that this did not make it Los Trio Cunts (Michael Legge, Dan Mersh and Paul Litchfield) as there were two special guests who would help out as well as doing their own sets, Bennett Arron and Jeremy Lion (aka Justin Edwards). The other difference was that there were even more twitter people/podophiles (if you don’t know what a podophile is then Google Precious Little) to meet this time, it was quite a gathering. A few of us arrived in London nice and early and got to The Phoenix for around 5pm, the show didn’t start until 8pm but it gave us all time to chat and eat, ok and maybe drink a little.

Finally we took our seats, a great couple of tables one right at the front and one just to the side. If you haven’t been to The Phoenix before it is a great but intimate venue, so we were very close to the action. Oh I nearly forgot...

WARNING – My memory is a bit crap, so do feel free to correct me or tell me details I missed out if you were there and I will edit the blog. Oh and I would say there are spoilers, except each show is rather unique where LQC is concerned although there may be running themes/characters.

The show started grandly with the William Tell Overture blaring out of the sound system, however as the cvnts entered the stage they began pointing at a man in the front row in a rhythmic way, we were encouraged to join in, so of course we did. I have no idea how the man kept a straight face throughout the entire song but I applaud him.

Then followed some brief banter about the name of the show, trying not to say the cuntword because “the telly” was in. Then came the only “safe” sketch they could do for the telly people, The Party Sketch, a very funny play on the familiar face scenario, “I’m sure we’ve met before, where have we met before?”. Let’s just say it got a bit shouty.

I can’t remember the exact order of sketches so I will summarise the best bits (all of it).

The O’Flaherty Brothers and Billy Sunday made another appearance with another scary item of knitwear worn by Billy (Michael Legge). True to his nature Billy Sunday interrupted and objected to any attempts to sing lovely Irish folk songs, this time saying he wanted to do rap instead. He then proceeded into a tirade of gangsta style ranting mostly about putting a cap in yo ass mo fo. I did think the vein in the side of his head was about to burst as he got more and more red in the face.

The Erotica Sketch – Sean Golsworthy (played by Paul Litchfield) apparently he made his first appearance last time and read from his great literary works of erotica. This time we were in for a treat as there was a sci-fi theme which was “immediately and suddenly” about sex robots. In chatting to Paul after I believe the character may make further appearances at LQC which will be a treat.

Agony Uncle Doctor Party – This character was fantastically camp (well done Michael, I don’t know how you pulled it off) and I have no idea how Dan managed to keep a straight face as he read the letters out. I will say Doctor Party not only has some (well just one piece really) advice to overcome problems but he also has some fantastic dance moves. I loved that they pushed it with a rather controversial letter at the end from a lady who had been “locked in a cellar for 18 years...” it sounds wrong to say it was brilliant but it was.

History Sketch – Bennett Arron helped out on this one. I cannot remember all of the details but it was a summary of history as found on Wikipedia. It was definitely a “you had to be there sketch” as they confused history and tried to hide a baby. Bennett Arron looked almost in pain as he played Yoko Ono and had to do a dreadful accent.

TV ideas for BBC3 – Justin Edwards played the producer on this one, he rapidly binned numerous ever more increasingly ridiculous TV programme ideas, one of my favourites being a reality TV programme where we vote to put celebs in prison.

Improv Sketch – This one was made even more hilarious by the fact that Tara Flynn was sat just behind us in the audience (if you didn’t know, her and Michael are in London Improv a really good improv group which also plays at The Phoenix). They did a few improv games which were a comical view of how not to do it. My favourite part was the open scene game, usually the audience would give the improve group a name, a place and maybe a line, just two or three details and the sketch would begin. So of course open scene cvnts style we gave a name (Olivia), first line (breathe deeper), famous person (The Moomins), type of car she drove (The Bat tank), shoe size (4 or 7) and many more details, with pauses between so that Paul could “warm up” for each bit of added information. Just as the cvnts began to actually do the sketch, Sarah who I was sat next to shouted out the first line “Breathe deeper” as it was evident they had already forgotten that detail, they stumbled and then Paul pulled the shutter down (metaphorically) and closed the fourth wall, so he could no longer hear her. Of course the final resulting sketch was “Breathe deep Olivia, oh look The Moomins, the end”.

Bennett Arron’s Jesus Sketch – We were lucky to have a special guest, Jesus, who had only just started doing stand up, looked very nervous and uncomfortable in his unsecure beard. There were funny lines, we nerdy people particularly like “I don’t believe in Richard Dawkins, I don’t go to churches and pray to him, or as you call it The Bloomsbury”.

So as you can see a jam packed set from Los Quattros Cvnts, it was time for a short interval and then the special guests.

Bennett Arron – I hadn’t seen Bennett before his short set revolved largely around him being a Welsh Jew, and although I laughed at several bits (Jew Jitsu in particular) and enjoyed the anecdotes he didn’t appear very comfortable, and I was unsure if it was on purpose or not. Difficult to tell from such a short set.

Jeremy Lion – Another performer I had never seen before, although I did watch his 12 days of Christmas on YouTube, see here so I had some idea what to expect from an alcoholic children’s entertainer. Jeremy told us he is working on his Edinburgh fringe show and plans to teach the children about the environment this year. He then proceeded to sing the song “Ten Green Bottles” and as he recycled each bottle he pointed out what good that would do for the environment, e.g. save a baby seal. The only problem being that you are not allowed to recycle bottles when they are still full of booze, the blue WKD and wine seemed particularly painful and "Baileys, nature's Gaviscon!", all hilarious. I will go and see his show in Edinburgh, just to see if he can survive an hour of doing that!

As you can imagine it was definitely worth the trip down to London to see all of that, and then it was great to hang around for drinks and chat to everyone after. The highlights of that are as follows...

Finally saying hello to Dan Mersh! I have seen the cvnts a couple of times and spoke to them but for some reason Dan remained elusive. This time Sarah and I cornered him, it turns out he is a really nice guy, despite being off the telly! And yes he is the guy in the crunchy nut advert with the laptop umbrella.

Vicki making us all framed drawings of our avatars, they were ace and we all loved them. Although James Hingley did look a little bit shocked and scared.

Chatting to Tara Flynn about her Edinburgh show, which sounds amazing, so you should all make sure you go and see her.

Carl Austin (Tara’s husband and the love of Michael Legge’s life) making the statement “Emmerdale makes my anus itch!” Even with context it was a very random but funny statement to make.

Standing in the doorway with Andy, when a tramp stood between us and asked for 20p, I said I didn’t have my purse on me, which I didn’t (it was inside) and Andy said he couldn’t spare it. The tramp looked at us with disgust and turned to walk away; as he did he bent down and picked something up off the floor. He then turned and shouted “I’ll just fucking have this then shall I?” waving a £20 note at us. Jammy bastard.

More than words

2010-04-05T13:44:00.000+01:00

I know this is not a new topic, and there have been many blogs about it, but it is my turn now. Language is the issue, in particular swearing. The reason why I want to delve into this topic is that in discussing the issue a little on twitter I have realised my views have changed in the last few months.

I think it is interesting that language is constantly changing and evolving. Words which used to be offensive can become commonplace and lose their sting once accepted into popular culture. I’m sure if we were to time travel back a few years, even as few as 10-20 we would see the different reaction to words commonly used now. Is it just that they are more common which makes them accepted or does their meaning change?

“Fuck” is a very commonly used word, and although I don’t think I would like to hear my children saying it (if I had any) I do not find it offensive at all. But it is a complicated word, in that it has many meanings. It means sex, but it doesn’t always, if I tell you to fuck off, I am not saying “Sex off!” am I, no it doesn’t make sense, neither does “I don’t give a fuck!” It can be a word meaning pleasurable or violent, physical activity. To fuck can be to manipulate or mess with someone’s mind, to push someone’s buttons, so routed in sexual terminology its meaning morphs into something much more negative and abusive that just sex. It is a complex word when you think of it in such terms, yet many of us use it every day. I wonder if we forget the meaning as the slang use of it takes over? It is not pleasant to be told to “fuck off!” if meant in a negative way, but it can also be used to make light of situations, for example when you tell an anecdote and someone says “fuck off, you’re kidding me?”; no offence meant and I’m sure for most people, none taken.

Side note – for a wonderful discussion about “Mindfucking” including the terminology and its connotations I recommend Mindfucking by Colin McGinn.

Personally I have begun to use swear words more frequently, although I do have to be careful at work as it would be unprofessional of me to use such terms. I don’t think it is on purpose, nor was it a particularly conscious decision, but I have explored a lot of new comedy in the last 12 months and I think perhaps their use of the full extent of the English language has rubbed off a little. I like that in comedy language I would have considered rude or offensive now makes me laugh, yes, occasionally they do evoke a different emotion, but that is because that is what the comedian wants them to do. The reaction required is why such words are used, I am not offended by this, and I see that there is a greater scheme at work, a plot to the story or set the offence is required to make the point. It is only when comedians are offensive for the sake of offending that I object, not only that I would not find it funny in the slightest (Jim Davison and Chubby Brown spring to mind).

Many comedians explore their use of such words and how the reactions vary in different countries. I find such variety in the perceived offensiveness of words to be even more prolific, and I am unable to generalise the reaction. My brothers and sisters use “fuck” in every day conversation, but in general would never use “cunt” as it is a word which my Mum did not like as we grew up. She even said “See (C) you (U) next (N) Tuesday (T)” to avoid actually saying the word. But, oh how things change. I talk to my Mum quite a lot and I tell her about the comedy I see and the podcasts, this means inevitably I have used the word cunt quite a bit (as listeners to Michael Legge and James Hingley’s Precious Little podcast will know). I must admit when I first said it to her in conversation I half whispered it, hesitating to give it the full power of correct pronunciation. However, once I explained the silly fun I had been having it seemed less offensive, there was no malice in how I was using it, or in my relaying the tale to my Mum. The cunt word has lost some of its power. I do believe that if someone called me a cunt, and meant it to be offensive, I would be rather upset. But is it the actual word that gives us this reaction? To me it no longer is; it is the intension behind the word, the emotion with which it is said. Consider if someone called you a cow or a bitch, they are both words for female animals one bovine one canine; however with the correct tone and malice offence would be taken in the way it was meant to be.

It seems to me that the some words can lose their meaning or gain it depending on the context and familiarity in which they are used. Text speak (which I despise) is another way in which words can lose their meaning, again a much discussed topic. “LOL” and “hahaha” no longer mean what they were intended to, people use them in such a common way that no one actually believes someone did laugh out loud. I have typed “LOL, really I did” but in thinking about it this negates the need for text speak, I could have typed “Very funny” thus using less letters to explain my emotion. Is it not the purpose of text speak to use less letters? Well, it was, this is how text speak came about, but again its common use has led to it’s over use and changed the way in which it is used. LOL or hahaha now means some form of mild amusement; it has lost its funny as the cunt word has lost its offensiveness. I could go on to discuss text speak for some time, but I won’t as many people have done so much more eloquently than I can and it is my perception of offensive language that has changed more considerably in the last few months.

I am intrigued by the way my emotional response to language has developed and changed, yet I know that some people still cannot and don’t use such words. It has become so second nature to me that I must be unintentionally offending people all the time? Is that an issue? Should it be? I don’t use the words with malice, or at people who do not realise I am joking or having fun, is it their understanding of the word that is the problem? I wonder if they have actually sat and thought about it or just heard one word and made assumptions about the context in which it was said. I was one of those people at some point, but now I have learned that any word can be offensive or inoffensive depending on the emotional context in which it is used. I do not encourage people to go out and try to offend people for the sake of it, but I do encourage them to not shy away from using words until you have thought about why you do or don’t use them.

Love is...

2010-03-22T19:04:00.001Z

I think I need to write this blog to be able to make some sense of my random thoughts on this particular topic (as I said in my TYSIC blog, I need to do this more often and be open to constructive criticism/feedback). It is my way of improving my critical thinking.

I know why I am thinking about love more right now, it is because I am thinking of what I used to consider “my goals before I turn 30” and that is fast approaching; also I have been single for some time.

Firstly, I don’t think being single for the last 3 years is a problem, at all. I’ve had plenty of fun and dated a bit, met some interesting people. But more than that, having been in long term relationships from the age of 17, pretty much non-stop until I was 27 ish, some single time was much needed. I guess others will share a similar experience, but I believe from teenage years into your twenty something’s you change a lot as a person, you grow up and gain some sense of identity (I know some do this earlier or later, but for arguments sake...). Being in long term relationships has to have some effect on these years, as you grow up and develop as an individual, but a couple has to have some influence on each other. So my point is, having spent those important years (mostly happily) with a partner in tow, it has been great to find the real me (sorry, I hate that phrase too, but nothing else fits). I have not gone all hippy or anything, but I have tried things I used to do (some I forgot I did), and decided whether I actually like them, or perhaps I was playing along a bit (as you do) with the boyfriend of the time. And I now have a lovely mix match or random influences from which I have decided I like lots of different things, because I choose to.

The “my goals before I turn 30” bit was, as I now realise unrealistic and not necessary. I had the goals that many people have; have a career, own my own house, fall in love, maybe get married, have a baby. I know I said they were unrealistic, but perhaps that was not the right word. I do own a house and have a career which I mostly enjoy. It is the love, marriage and babies bit I have come to realise cannot be goals. My thoughts on marriage have changed a little, although I don’t object to it and may even one day do it, to me it is something that may or may not happen and it does not matter, so long as I am happy. The same for the having babies part. I used to believe I definitely wanted children, and although I think I still would quite like one, if it doesn’t happen and I am happy, I think I can accept that. (I have 14 nieces and nephews)

Now we come to the main part, falling in love. Of course I think it would be great to be in love, even with all of the angst and the getting to know you, scary parts. To have one person that truly understands me, who I can understand back and who I can share my life with would be awesome. But it cannot be a goal. It will happen or it won’t. I have accepted that hunting for love is (for me) not the right way to go about it. My concern is that in looking so hard for something, I will see something that just isn’t there. The only way I can think to accurately describe the way I feel about this is; imagine those people who really want to be famous, as a singer or a model. Some of them are lucky and make it they have the right attributes and are in the right place at the right time, they get their break. Then there are those unfortunate few, who really really want it, but it doesn’t happen. Yet they plod on entering countless competitions, sending of demos and photographs, it consumes their lives. Then one day with a moment of devastating clarity they realise it was all a pipe dream, it isn’t going to happen and their life seems wasted. I don’t want my desire for love to be like one of those poor deluded searching for fame people’s search for recognition. I don’t want to spend my time searching for something that won’t necessarily happen. I also do not want to fall into the trap of deluding myself, seeing love where it isn’t really there. Bluntly put, I don’t want to “make do” with the next nice guy who comes along. I may find the real thing, I may not.

From all of this contemplation I have decided, what I do want is to be happy. This means filling my life with experiences and people, making the most of every moment, and most of all not being focussed on love. If I am one of the lucky few who meets that person then great, but in the meantime I plan to live life not waste it in the search.

I know lots of people may think that even the search for love is great experience in itself. I don’t argue with that, but for it to be a main focus feels wrong to me. If I am going to have a chance of meeting someone I figure it will be when I am doing the things I enjoy doing, then there is a chance we will have at least something in common, a beginning maybe. I am lucky I did meet my exes in such a way (a rock club, at university and one of my best friends). There has to be some maths in all this, the odds are that I will meet someone with similar interests when doing something I am interested in, not in some artificial dating scenario. I am also aware that in some cases opposites attract, and two people in a couple are very different, have different hobbies etc. But I have decided I like doing what I do in my spare time, and although I am always open to new experiences, I want to keep doing the things I do and have someone else share in my enjoyment of them.

In a way I consider myself lucky, the beginning part of a relationship is very exciting, an adventure. And although I may have many beginnings and not quite find the security of “the one” for some time, if at all, I will have fun along the way and not be too preoccupied by my lack of love.

Books, books and more books.

2010-03-21T11:13:00.000Z

I have a compulsion to buy books, not at a Robin Ince insane and wonderful level, but I do find I have to stop myself, I know I own more books than I can read in the coming months. I also know I should devote more time to read them, but what can I say there are distractions everywhere (this blog and twitter being two of the main culprits). As I decided to use my blog to think through things a bit more, I decided to examine my own minor book obsession.

I am one of those people who reads lots of books at the same time. Right now there are two on my bedside table, two on my coffee table and about four put back on the bookshelf, half read. It is not like this with every book, if it is a real page turner, then I will make the time and read it quickly. I don't believe every book has to be this way. For example it took me three months to Read Richard Dawkins' The God Delusion, you have to be in the right frame of mind to tackle it, the meaty subject matter and complexity of ideas it was not light reading. I did think it was worth it to persist and finish the book, and I'm sure I will one day read it again, even if some of the notions do come across as a little fundementalist.

My favourite, cannot put it down, book of last year was Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith, a fantastic dark expansion of Pride and Prejudice. I even actually laughed out loud on the bus while reading it. I know not everyone will share my enthusiasm as I do have a little obsession with zombies, but still everyone knows the story, and can imagine the accents as they read it.

If you are a zombie fan I do recommend Zombie Haiku by Ryan Mecum, I read that one in 40 minutes. It is a very short, funny and gross book of poems written by a zombie.

In my random book buying habits I recently developed a new one, nostalgia. I have now begun to buy books I read as a child, or even were read to me. No, I don't mean Spot the Dog, the ones from when I was a little older, like Daniel Keyes' Flowers For Algernon and Stig of The Dump by Clive King. I am not in a rush to read these books, and not even sure why I bought them. I obviously enjoyed them as a child, but will they stand the test of time and impress me now, or be a an utter disappointment? In a way I think I have bought them in order to share them with other young people, although I don't have children, I may one day or at least I can lend them to my nieces and nephews in the hope that they too get cherished childhood memories from them. I may be setting myself up for disappointment in buying these books, times have changed.

I have just started reading Carl Sagan's Pale Blue Dot, I think it will be in the page turner category, despite being a philosophy book, it is beautifully and poetically written and a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. I ordered it 3 months ago and have waited all this time for the paperback to be in stock, so far it is well worth the wait. Here is a clip of the passage I heard Robin Ince read and then peaked my interest in Carl Sagan.

Another philosophy book recommended to me was Alain De Botton's Essays in Love. This one I read in two days. A wonderful story of one man's journey through love, while considering the nature of love and our neurosis while afflicted. It is the sort of book you find yourself wanting to quote to people all of the time. My favourite line from it was,

"Every fall into love involves the triumph of hope over self-knowledge."

Following my enjoyment of his work I then bought Status Anxiety, and although it is a great book, it does not have the urgent draw of Essays in Love and I find myself reading it much more slower, returning to it every few days. For accessible philosophy I do recommend Alain De Botton.

I love that I can enjoy some books while learning something, and it doesn't feel like studying like the books at university did. I think this is down to that talent of the author at keeping the reader intrigued while relaying the facts. Ben Goldacre's Bad Science and Simon Singh & Edzard Ernst's Trick or Treatment are two brilliant books which spring to mind.

Don't get me wrong I do also love silly entertaining books too. I recently reread Dave Gorman's Are You Dave Gorman? and Googlewhack Adventure; Danny Wallace's Yes Man is also thoroughly amusing (unlike the film based on the book) and of a similar style (Danny Wallace is co-author of Are You Dave Gorman?). Sometimes I do just want something light and fun to read, these books for me are hard to choose. I love Nick Hornby's books, but I tend to get stuck into buying one author so that I have the guarantee of a good read. I have bought a few random books, and they soon get returned to the bookshelf, half read covered in dust having sat on my coffee table for a few weeks. I will finish them one day, but if they are not that enthralling they go to the bottom of the reading pile, for example The Secret Life of a Slummy Mummy by Fiona Neill, yes it is witty and a fun read, but once a better book arrives, it can wait.

I also like having a few books that you can pick up and put down again, just dipping into them when the mood takes you. Charlie Brooker's books (Screenburn, Dawn of the Dumb etc) are great for this, pick them up when you fancy a hilarious rant about popular television and then put them away again. I was bought The History of The World Through Twitter by Jon Holmes and Mitch Benn for Christmas and giggled all day as I dipped into it, it is one of those books to randomly peek at and be amused.

I have now started to buy books recommended to me on twitter or in blogs (if they peak my interest), I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing, or if I will need to buy a bigger house to fit all of my books in. (I cannot throw a book away). I just bought Bad Thoughts - a guide to critical thinking by Jamie Whyte as recommended in Peter Harrison's blog which I began to read following my first visit to Sheffield Skeptics in The Pub (SiTP). I can't wait to read it but am resisting my usual urge to start reading several books I really like at once and then struggle to choose which one to read.

Do feel free to let me know any life changing, or interesting books you have read. Thanks for reading a particularly long ramble of thoughts in my head. (I did say I would blog more as part of my TYSIC to think through and record such thoughts more as a way of developing my thinking skills).

Being Famous

2010-03-15T19:24:00.000Z

No, I am not famous, and I am not claiming to be in any way. I know a few select people may read this blog as they are lovely enough to tell me they do. But as I discussed in my last blog entry, I do want to aim to be more reflective and document my thoughts on here as part of my TYSIC. So here goes...

Today I began to ponder, what is it that makes someone "famous"?

The Cambridge Advance Learner's Dictionary defines it as follows,

Famous adjective

Known and recognised by many people

Being a little bit pedantic, I am recognised by "many people", but I guess that depends what you mean by many.

The reason why I was thinking about this is that over the last year I have met a few comedians, some I consider to be famous. Don't get me wrong I am not constantly rubbing shoulders with comedy royalty, but I have said hello after gigs and been fortunate enough to have a drink or two with a small minority. Of those comedians that I consider famous, I am always shocked to find that many of my friends and families have never even heard of them, and give a blank look when I express how happy I was to meet them.

The flip side of the coin is that of the comedy fans I talk to online, many do know who I am talking about when I say I am off to see a great show, or I was lucky enough to say hello after they share my excitement, so to them those comedians are famous.

Does being famous really mean being a household name? Is it being on the telly all the time? Being splattered all over the tabloids for every minor out of context mistake or fashion faux pas you make? If it is I cannot see the appeal. Being stalked by the media can't be any fun, it must be bad enough being stalked by fans (in a nice way in my case, not in a weirdo "I want your babies" fangirly way).

I have been on Tim Minchin's fan forum for over a year now, and as he became more well known thanks to his excellent tour and an increasing number of TV appearances, it has saddened me to see the fallout. After I saw him in Sheffield last October there were hundreds of people outside, many asking him to sign their boobs, really? *Sigh* I mean I know he loves boobs but come on. Tim being a very nice man, stayed outside until he had met every single person, something I am sure he cannot keep up as his fame grows (or he would be there all night and exhausted). But does this mean that being famous means you can no longer have a connection with your fans?

I can think of many comedians who have DVDs out, have had very successful Edinburgh fringe performances, won awards and had UK tours, yet unless you are a comedy obsessive like me, many people don't recognise their names. To me they are famous, as they have the respect of fellow comedians and have made a success of their careers in comedy, this does not necessarily mean they are on TV a lot or a household name. I prefer this level of fame, as speaking from experience they are the ones who are usually happy to say hello and accept your praise or gratitude after a good show.

I do wonder if the being on TV level of fame is something to aspire to? Yes, I bet it does pay well and raises the comedian's profile, but as I said before, at what cost? I'm sure many TV programmes are restricted in content and subject matter, meaning you don't get a true sense of what the comedian meant when he/she wrote the material. I know lots of comedians work very hard within such constraints and with fantastic results, but to me there is nothing better than seeing live comedy. There is room for banter and interaction and the comedian has the freedom to take the show in which ever direction he/she wants to.

Although I have pondered ad reflected upon this subject, I don't think I really know what it means to be famous. I guess it is more important to be a success at the level you want to be.

The Ten Year Self Improvement Challenge

2010-03-14T16:51:00.000Z

I know I am late to the party but this took some thinking, and there is no point in starting something unless you have thought it through properly. For anyone who does not know what The Ten Year Self Improvement Challenge (TYSIC) is, I suggest you read Mark Watson's blog for the last couple of weeks. But to fill you in briefly, it is a 10 year project where everyone must commit to goals which may improve them, and report these goals and any achievement to Mark Watson (currently via comments on his blog, but soon on the shiny new fan forum and of course on individual blogs). It emulates the 24 hours show, in that through a sense of community and shared experience something wonderful can be achieved. There is a twitter hashtag #TYSIC and Mark is happy to hear from people about their success or failures.

Well, I had agreed to be a part of this before I knew what it was, so feel I should be doing something and have a goal for my TYSIC (I should have already started too, I know but it has been a busy week, and people arrived late to the 24 hour show). I tried to think of a goal, not as easy as I expected it to be. I have many friends who have goals, but in reading them I have found none of them suit me, I need my own goal. Is it possible can I find one.

To explain, I will discuss how some goals are just not for me (although of course I respect that they are perfect for others, no offence meant to anyone in any way).

Goal 1 - To lose weight. Yes I could shift a few pounds, eat a bit better, exercise a bit more but... well in all honesty I don't want to. I'm not massively overweight, dropping a dress size would be nice. But I eat quite healthy all week, usually have some crap food at the weekends, I walk to work and home every day, so meet the recommended levels of exercise in a week (it is very hilly and takes about 25 minutes each way). I don't believe in fad diets, well most diets. I think if I wanted to lose weight I would have to change something for life, otherwise I would just put the weight back on when I stopped the diet. I did some of those changes a while ago, changed to wholemeal products, push myself to get my 5 a day fruit and vegetables etc. I don't want to restrict my diet or spend my time in a gym, gyms are boring.

Goal 2 - To read more books. - Yes I do have this goal and I do want to achieve it, the problem I have is that it is not quantifiable over a 10 year period. I have not counted how many books I read over the last 10 years so have no baseline comparison. I know this is a little pedantic of me, and I could just make a concerted effort to read more, but I won't. I know myself I have had this goal already for a long time, I have bought lots of books and am yet to read them. I am half way through at least 6 books scattered around the house. I enjoy books, whether they be fictional, philosophy or factual, but I don't find the time to read as much as I want to. I could make the time, but I know myself, I don't. I get distracted by twitter, facebook, blogs, forums, TV, phone calls, life in general. Yes I do want to read more books, yes I will do it, but no it is not my TYSIC it just doesn't fit the brief.

Goal 3 - To be more assertive/confident/positive about life - I know lots of people have this one, including Mr Watson himself and it is a very good goal to have, it just doesn't fit me. Again it is something I was already working on and have done recently. When I qualified as a mental health nurse I soon learned that in such a job you have to act confident whether you are or not, luckily the confidence followed. The last thing people want to see from an inexperienced healthcare worker is nerves, and if someone is kicking off they won't listen to a quiet scared nurse, only a confident clear and assertive one. This last year has also changed my confidence a lot, only on looking back on it do I realise how much. Through twitter and forums I've met loads of people, travelled and introduced myself to lots of comedians, this has led to many great experiences and new friends. I was nervous, but now I have gained the confidence to explore more. This may develop further, but it would feel like cheating to make it my TYSIC.

I also would quite like to do lots of the other activities some people have challenged themselves to do, write a book, travel, learn to drive, fall in love, maybe make a small person in my belly and I'm sure some of these things will happen and some will not. I like the fact that although I am an obsessive planner and list writer, my life is an open book. I'm not restricted. There aren't things I have to do, I may never have children, I may fall in love lots of times or never in the next 10 years, and I may never get around to learning to drive (it is bloody expensive to learn and maintain a car and would make me lazier). I just don't know and that is how I like it, some things, for me personally are better left unplanned. I have learned my lesson I had some fixed goals for when I reached 30 (later this year) but in thinking about the fact they won't be achieved I have realised they don't and never really did matter, I am happy, that is what matters. I am not criticising those people who do have such goals, if you can set them, aim to achieve them and feel accomplished in doing so then good for you. It just doesn't suit me.

I do want to take part in TYSIC, but in my own way. I won't read all of the blog entries or read the forum as often as I should, although I will aim to do so. I am already committed to a number of daily blogs I read, but I already know that realistically if I get distracted by something else, they too may be doomed as daily activities, and 10 years is a long time. It is goal time, please forgive the waffle for this bit but here it is...

MY GOAL

To be more reflective and document this, but not only that seek other's opinion and where necessary criticism. To not stick my head in the sand, face problems head on (I know this is kind of being more assertive too). To explain I aim to firstly continue with this blog, I haven't been doing it very long and do like the way it makes me think about things in a clearer manner. I also like getting feedback. For more personal situations I may do the same but via emails to some of you lovely people out there, or if even more personal I will start a diary on my computer. Reflection is a useful tool, to gain perspective on things, there is a purpose to it - to document all of your thoughts and then tease out the important aspects/feelings/outcomes and learn from them. I'm not going to restrict my self to daily blogs/diaries as it is not realistic, but I will try to document more frequently and use my blog more than I do now (lucky you). I'm not sure how this will fit into the whole TYSIC, in that it may not be very interesting for others, but as actually documenting my thoughts and feelings in such a way will help me and give me something to have a MASSIVE reflect over in 10 years time, I think it suits me.

Do you see how I did it in this blog? I thought about the challenge, how it works for me and came up with a solution. This will be this week's achievement. Well done me.

Relaxing Tunes?

2010-02-21T12:36:00.000Z

Well, I have had 10 days off work to de-stress (doctors orders) and as always happens when not at work, I have not had time to do half the things I planned to. I was going to write more blogs, finish those books I have started, watch a few DVDs. Of course I did none of that. But where does the time go, seriously? I know I met a few lovely friends for lunches and drinks and visited my family, but 10 days just gone, like that!

I did try to make a playlist from my iTunes library of relaxing tunes. I advise anyone who has this idea, be careful. Trawling through thousands of tracks can throw out a few surprises and have a bit of an unexpected emotional response. I know I am not "old" in that I am not a pensioner (I am 29), but hearing music from 15-20 years ago and remembering it being released into the charts, made me feel really old. It's not all bad, some tracks have great memories...

Nine Inch Nails – Closer

For example, this song is filthy and I love it. This is the song that people "pulled to" in the rock clubs I frequented when I was 17/18, if you were going to make a move it was now or never once this song was on. Ah, the memories.

Portishead – Roads - Live

This song is a mixture of feelings for me, it is a beautiful song and rather sad, but also it is on the soundtrack to Tank Girl, which I know loads of people hate because it is such a stupid movie, but I love it. It has Ice T as a mutant kangaroo, reincarnated from a policeman, what is not to love! Seriously do rent it, it is ridiculous I know, but it is funny and has some great lines in it (I hear it is a very good representation of the original comic too). That film makes me feel immature and therefore not so old for a couple of hours. The album, Portishead - Roseland NYC [Live] has the opposite effect, it was one of the albums I listened to lots as a student (the first time when I was 18), I still love it, but that was nearly 12 years ago.

When I was sifting through all of the tunes I came across a few songs which I related to heartache, so I asked on twitter what songs other people associated with break ups. They were very varied (I didn't write them down, nor can I remember them), but it seems that a break up song is not necessarily one which is written about the end of a relationship or loneliness. They are songs which remind people of the moment, this means they can be happy songs, or the classic "our song", how to ruin a perfectly good romantic song, make it "our song" and then split up. I did manage to find the cheesiest heartbreak song ever (I do love it but ssshhh don't tell anyone).

The Quireboys – I Don't Love You Anymore

They weren't all sad songs on my little musical adventure (although when trying to find relaxing music a lot of them were a bit depressing). I did find this...

Green Day – When I Come Around

And, bang! I'm a teenager again, when the only TV I watch is MTV, who endlessly play this and this...

The Offspring – Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)

They were fun times of teenage angst and bad dress sense, but weren't things simple when you were younger? No? Actually you are right, probably not, there were hormones and stuff around then. At least as you get older the problems are not chemical (well for most of us) but rather everyone else in the world but you.

Anyway, as you can see I was very productive on my time off, taking a well earned trip down memory lane. I do recommend you do the same, but beware, some songs will just creep up on you and make you feel old/sad/tearful/immature... you have been warned.

(The links are all from spotify, if you don't have it, get it or search youtube for the tracks if you want to hear them).

Breaking my own rules

2010-02-06T15:51:00.000Z

I have debated for the last couple of days whether to blog or not about this particular subject, and if you are reading this then I obviously did press the 'publish post' button. If you have read previous blog posts you will know that I have certain opinions and self imposed rules (it is for fun, nothing too personal/detailed, keep it light) about social networking sites such as twitter and facebook (and to an extent blogger). These are entirely my own thoughts and I am well aware that many people will disagree, but it works for me. Well, so I thought...

I have had some issues lately at work (don't worry I will not go into detail here either) which have accumulated over the last few weeks, and sadly have changed my personality (hopefully temporarily) a little. I have been gradually more stressed, snapping at people, being more rude, not thinking before I speak, not sleeping, drinking a bit too much wine... you get the idea. (I don't intend to use this blog post as a way of just moaning that things are tough right now, it is going somewhere, trust me).

My rule has always been that I can have a little grumble in a tweet or a status update but nothing major, social networking sites are for fun. To me, (yes you can disagree) posting more details of such things is asking for support and help from people who are not necessarily your 'friends' is inappropriate, I find I would rather turn to real friends (you know what I mean, people you see socially or have known a long time) in such times of crisis, they understand me and support me well. This was what I always believed. Until yesterday.

Yesterday was a very emotional day (again I won't go on about it too much), there were tears, shouting, swearing, these are not good things to be doing when you are at work (none of this to or in front of patients I hasten to admit). But sat alone in my office unable to actually ring a friend due to being such a mess, I broke my rules. I posted the following on twitter,

"Just told my boss I'm signing myself off with stress. He thinks I am bluffing. Am I?"

Followed by

"I am an idiot."

See I instantly felt bad for starting the first tweet, but I didn't delete it, I waited to see what would happen. Who wants to read moaning tweets? However, a couple of lovely tweeters restored my faith in humanity and just by acknowledging the tweet and offering support, succeeded to make me feel a little better. I'm not saying everyone should go on and on about problems on such sites, but it was nice that someone would listen at that moment and allow me the opportunity to rant a little via DMs. Of course when I finally got home I text some friends who then rang and listened at length for a couple of hours, as friends do (I could not have really done that at work). Things are far from sorted so I will remain relatively quiet on twitter for fear of moaning too much and annoying my followers, but I continue to be happily distracted reading everyone's tweets and joining in superficial conversation.

I do now doubt my own rules though. How much should social networking sites be used for such kinds of venting and support? I didn't think a relative stranger saying that they hoped things would get better would do anything, but it did. I do still maintain that social networking sites should be happy fun places in the majority of the time, but is there anything wrong with a bit of support from strangers? Is it just attention seeking? Is it wrong?

I wouldn't be able to post in great details about work stuff anyway, due to the nature of my job. And I don't aim to begin reporting my problems via twitter or facebook, but I honestly would like people's opinions on whether it should be used for a quick shout for help (not in any self harm/suicide type way I mean for support/kind words)?

Please do tweet, comment or email (if you already have my email address). Thanks.

The Mystery Fax Machine Orchestra

2010-01-23T15:25:00.000Z

I don't usually blog about shows I have seen, I save that for Facebook. This is mostly due to the fact that my memory for names of people and songs etc is terrible. However last night's show deserves to be blogged. So here we go with my sketchy account of last night.

The show was The Mystery Fax Machine Orchestra at The Luminaire in London, additional guests were Foster and Gilvan, and Mr Solo. Having successfully escaped work early and negotiated trains and tubes (thanks to Linzy) we were early to the venue and a little eager to get in, inevitably the doors opened a little late.

I had seen The Mystery Fax Machine Orchestra at Latitude festival (again thanks to Linzy) and was instantly drawn to the wonderful and quirky songs. You can't help but be impressed by Martin White's musical arrangements, singing, accordion and ukulele playing at the front of the orchestra. Soon after I bought the EP, which is available here the design of which is genius (trust me) and then you get four wonderful songs, for a fiver it is a bargain.

The other two acts on the bill I had not seen before. We finally made out way into the venue having met up with other fellow tweeters in the bar next door. The Luminaire is not a huge venue but has excellent atmosphere and is appropriately decorated in theatre extravagance. As we marvelled at the tiny red piano and lots of music stands crammed on the stage, Martin White (@martylog) came to say hello and chat to "twitter corner" as we soon named our group. At this point I should inform you (although I can't go) that Karaoke Circus, also one of Martin's projects sounds like it will be fantastic so do book early, see here for more information.

First to perform were Foster and Gilvan, with clown painted faces a ragged suits they set up an array of instruments in the middle of the standing area. The venue had not yet filled up and it certainly made for a more intimate performance. We were treated to and encouraged to sing along to various songs and sea shanties including an excellent cover of version of Scott Walker's version of Jacques Brel's Dans Le Port D'Amsterdam. The audience including us were thrilled throughout as Foster approached many people with his charming stare of encouragement. I wish my memory could serve them better to describe more of their set, but again my memory is broken. (See photograph above).

Next up was David Devant (formerly of David Devant and his spirit wife) as Mr Solo. Arriving on stage in a sparkly skin tight cat suit with a matching cape and a huge quiff, we anticipated something special, and that is what we got. Having not seen him before I can only describe him as eccentric with some expressive "moves", including a rock style leap in the air (knocking music stands over as he did it) and several attempts at standing on a speaker reaching for a rail above the stage for balance. This did result in one fall onto the stage, which he laughed off. The stage was illuminated with a video backdrop to accompany Mr Solo's songs. Again my memory fails me with song names, but we were again encouraged to take part and I do recall the passion and emotion with which Mr Solo sang throughout. To me he seemed Nick Cave/David Bowie like at times, but certainly with his own flamboyant style which I wouldn't hesitate to see again. A few of the members of The Mystery Fax Machine Orchestra joined Mr Solo on stage, including Martin White to play the tiny red piano to one song. The set ended with a fantastic performance of Pimlico accompanied by the full Mystery Fax Machine Orchestra.

The final part of the evening was Martin White and The Mystery Fax Machine orchestra, I believe it was a 25 piece orchestra on this occasion, with the size of the stage, this was an achievement in itself. The set started with part one of a new song about a train journey called The Trans-Carpathian Express, but as always Martin sang and performed with such gusto that he was breathless by the end. I must say I was enchanted by every second of the performance, the sound of the orchestra, the fantastic musical arrangement, the quirky and often funny lyrics and the passion and exuberance of Martin's performance. Of the songs I was already familiar with, all of my favourites were played. Thank You For Not Discussing The Outside world (as heard on the EP) with an introduction from Martin explaining that it is a reference to the simpsons (it says it outside the retirement home, I did not notice this before). The History of Europe, which as all fans know if a condensed history of Europe in 3 minutes, both of these songs can be heard here. Another of my favourite songs which I had luckily seen before with and without the orchestra (Martin performed it solo with his accordion at Mark Watson's The Hotel in the cabaret room at the Edinburgh fringe last year) was Squeeze Me. Martin's facial expressions during this song are delightfully evil, do watch the Youtube of a previous performance of it here (the sound quality does improve as the video goes on). The audience were then encouraged to be the choir to Maybe, with the prompt of the line "I don't know why I did that" for us to sing "maybe something's wrong with me" (this remains in your head for days, trust me I am humming it now).

A truly mesmerising evening and definitely worth the trip down to London for. I do hope that The Mystery Fax Machine Orchestra release more recordings soon and perform at the Edinburgh Fringe the year (in the first two weeks when I am there). I know this blog is not full of immense detail due to my poor memory, please forgive that, but I do encourage everyone who hasn't seen them before to try to as soon as possible and until then follow the links in the blog and enjoy.

#PreciousLittle Podophiles

2010-01-10T19:08:00.000Z

I know by blogs are usually my thoughts on social networking and the internet, but if you follow me on twitter you will notice I write the hashtag #PreciousLittle quite a lot, so I thought I would explain for those of you not yet involved (and to those of you who are, I'm just going to say what I like about it all).

As many of you know I got really into comedy last year, and first saw Michael Legge at Latitude festival, but I was too shy to say hello, even though he did shout in my face at random (as part of a sketch). I then agreed on twitter to say hello when I saw him in Edinburgh and meet his footlump (long story, see his blog). So Sarah (@misswiz) and I did just that. There were beers flowing and a few more hellos and shows during the fringe festival.

So you can imagine how pleased I was to hear that Michael (@michaellegge) and James Hingley (@BillPoddy) were going to do a podcast together. They didn't really have a name for it at first but eventually aptly settled on what they talk about - Precious Little. I don't really know how to describe it, they do so quite well on the Itunes description, "Just a load of talking really". Michael likes to say "Cunt" quite a lot and talk about what he has been up to (including things which have infuriated him and he has blogged about) this is usually very funny. James is the more serious one of the pair, but is in his element when Michael makes him annoyed or angry and he has certainly come out of his shell thanks to #InterviewJames (I will explain that more later). As a duo they wonderfully bounce off each other and amazingly entertain, even though there is no script or structure to it.

Then came the interaction... I had sent Michael a message to say I enjoyed the first podcast, I received a reply saying sorry for mentioning me quite a lot in the second one. I was worried. In podcast 2 Michael decided he wanted people to join in and no matter where they were listening, if he called someone a cunt, we had to then shout out "...... is a cunt!". The one person he thought would do this ridiculous request was... yes, you guessed it, me. They then shouted "Come on Nicola Woolhouse shout it!" every time Michael called someone a cunt in that podcast (and a little in future ones). So from then on I decided to tweet when I listened to Precious Little so that Michael could see that I was indeed participating, yes, he was right about me, I am daft enough to do it in the name of comedy. This initially (understandably) irritated some of my followers, but gradually a few of us decided to listen to it at the same time and tweet along. Michael and James were pleased about this and named us the Podophiles.

Although James is lovely (and has a great voice) he was rather quiet in comparison to Michael, as most people would be. So Michael, who is crap at interviewing used interviews in magazines to #InterviewJames, this part of the podcast got even better when the listeners and podophiles started asking the questions. Many podophiles have also send jingles, stories and poems in (including @Misswiz @AndyMcH @mister_wavey @IanReentrant @lornalily and many many more). The group of podophiles has grown rather large and we now have regular #ListeningParties (where we all listen and tweet at the same time). The tweets don't make much sense unless you are listening to the podcast but do have a look, search #PreciousLittle.

Since then there have been other regular slots on the podcast such as Cunt of the Weep and Tommy's Tedious Tweets (you will have to listen to find out what they are). It is my favourite podcasts, not only are Michael and James both naturally very funny, but there is a sense of community between the podophiles. I know it sounds weird, but we all enjoy it and feel involved. Recently I had the (probably not good) idea of playing a drinking game whilst listening to the podcast, every time Michael said cunt I would drink a shot, and if they discussed (not just mentioned) Doctor Who, I would drink a glass full of booze. Sarah (@h2osarah) agreed to play with me the first time I did this. We got very drunk in just over an hour. Luckily I have only managed to do this one other time yesterday (Saturday), as the podcast usually comes out on a Sunday, and I can't be drinking on a Sunday when I start work at 8am Monday. There were quite a few of us playing last night, which was great fun. The listening parties are international with podophiles in Australia, America and the UK. I was actually quite miffed when I missed a listening party because I was out and had to listen alone, it is not the same anymore.

Now I look forward to the possibility of a live podcast at the Edinburgh Fringe this summer. Using twitter many of us podophiles already chatted to each other, but there are new people who have begun to say hello and join in, we often tweet each other between podcasts and some of us have agreed to meet in Edinburgh. Yet again social networking, podcasts and the internet has allowed us to truly social network.

Do join in and subscribe to Precious Little podcast on Itunes.

What happened to Christmas?

2009-12-29T17:59:00.000Z

In chatting with fellow tweeters and reading Misswiz Christmas blog I have realised that this is the most un-festive Christmas I have had. Not that I haven't had my Turkey with all the trimmings, lovely presents and seen my family, but something was missing. I am an Athiest, so no I don't think it was the religious element that was missing, as I have held these beliefs for many years yet still got into the festive spirit. So what is it that makes Christmas feel... for want of a better word Christmassy?

I do wonder if it was my decision to avoid the torture and expense of the "work Xmas do"? I rarely enjoy it, and don't really get on with many of the other staff outside work (with one or two exceptions, but they also often avoid such nights out). I can be a little more outspoken after a drink or two, and have made the gut wrenching mistake of being a little bit too honest with some of my work colleagues in the past ("No, I won't kiss you because you are a complete twat!" is one of my favourites). And no matter what does actually happen there is always the rumour mill working over time and awful drunken photographs on Facebook following the event. This year I decided I couldn't be arsed. So booked to see Pappy's the week before Christmas, and the The Quireboys supported by Wolfsbane on the Saturday before. Great nights out, but they did lack (and rightly so) any festive spirit.

I also hate to admit it, but as much as we all despise the Christmas decorations going up in shops really early; when I used to work in a shop it drove me insane (with the endless Christmas music) but at the same time it did wear me down and get me into the Christmas spirit (eventually). Now working in a mental health unit it is not the same. The wards do put up a few decorations, but this seems inappropriate in my department, people are not well and certainly not happy (or they would not be there). Don't get me wrong the ward staff try to make things as nice as possible for inpatients on Christmas day, but it is far from a happy or festive place. I have realised today that there seems to be another not so nice trend; for the last three years I have returned from a couple of days of for Christmas to hear bad news (a patient I know being readmitted or relapsing/an incident/a suicide). It is part and parcel of the job, unfortunately, maybe my subconscious now remembers and dreads the post Christmas news?

I think the one last part of the puzzle for my lack of Christmas spirit is that I don't have any children. To me it is a time for children to celebrate and learn new traditions (with or without religion involved), they have the wonder and excitement which I have now lost. Luckily I did have a few of these moments of joy spending time with my nieces and nephews. However, one of our family traditions has managed to suck the joy from this too. We all meet at my Mum's house on Boxing day for "meat and mash", it is a bit of an all day buffet and has always been fun. Last year and this year things changed. I'm not sure if it was due to me being ill both years (yes, really ill not just hungover - last year with tonsilitus, this year a rotten cold) or just the general chaos and noise. The children are no longer cute little babies that we can pass around for a cuddle, but all toddlers or older, all demanding attention fuelled by the sugar and gifts. Even Mum hid in the kitchen with me as we plotted ways of escaping her house without anyone noticing. It didn't work, our plans were foiled.

I don't want to be un-festive next year. I have decorated my tree, but maybe I need to have a proper think about what makes me not only in the Christmas spirit but also happy to be so. I need to plan my Christmas as a celebration of what is important to me (and yes include family - just not all at once). I can't simply be too old to enjoy Christmas any more (I'm only 29!).

The Stigma of Social Networking

2009-12-20T21:03:00.000Z

I haven't done one for a while, so it's time I had a little ramble. Does anyone else feel there is any stigma attached to using social networking sites (Facebook/twitter/forums)?

I ask because I have met up with some friends I haven't seen for a while, as usually happens at this time of year. They have asked what I have been up to, and I tell them about my new found love of comedy, and my adventures this year (Latitude/Edinburgh/various trips around the country). They ask how I got into it and I explain, basically through chatting to lots of lovely people on social networking sites. This is where there is a mixed reaction.

Some people are shocked but strangely impressed. As if it is a brave thing to talk to strangers online and then arrange to meet them in public places like gigs and see what happens. I don't find it brave, except getting over my own nervousness perhaps. Especially when saying hello to comedians after their set. Online however it is easy, as it feels some what detached and they can always ignore me if it doesn't work out, or if I become annoying block me. Having the agreement to say hello from a chat on twitter does make it easier in reality, permission is granted, and it then becomes less intrusive (with both comedians and fellow comedy fans).

Others have had a different reaction. I sometimes get the "Oh, you are an internet geek now" look. Or they quickly loose interest and drift away. I do wonder if this is through ignorance, not using such sites or having an understanding of how they work. I must admit, this reaction tends to be from people who don't know me as well. The ones who don't give me the time to explain how I got involved and the lovely people I have met as a consequence of it.

Is there a stigma around using social networking sites? I don't really mind the assumption that I am a nerd as I have always been rather academic, but to think that using such sites means I have no life. I have found the opposite has happened, I have become more sociable through using twitter (I always went out with my 3D friends but as I get older they are often busy with children/husbands/work).

Plus there are other benefits of such sites, they are a wealth of information (depending who you follow and how you use them). Tonight the power of social networking sites was realised even more when Killing in The Name of became the Christmas number one, thanks to a facebook and twitter campaign. More importantly other important issues are raised, discussed and publicised sing such forums, such as the campaign for Libel reform and raising awareness of numerous charities.

In my opinion social networking sites are a very valid and new way of communicating. I consider that perhaps the stigma arises due to the fact that this may be true, the fear of the unknown. The celebrities who publicise their use of twitter do raise its profile, but those with technophobia (not fear of electronic dance music) remain unwilling to hear about the benefits of such technology. Twitter (and facebook) is not my life, but a hobby I enjoy and use in order to do more; meet more people, read more and go to more places. Yet I often feel forced to defend my use of the internet to actually have fun, people are still ignorant enough to believe that an interest in social networking sites means you are unable to socialise in the real world. This is simply not true.

Social networking is not a substitute.

2009-12-01T23:07:00.000Z

I think this ramble is a bit of a reiteration of my first couple of posts on this blogspot, but the topic has been refreshed in my mind this week. I know I said that twitter is just fun, and that is all it should be and facebook I tend to keep more for my 3D friends but I have realised (again) that there is a little more to it.

A few weeks ago a 3D friend removed me from Facebook, this led to a confrontation (via text) and the eventual realisation that for some unknown (and some inaccurate) reason she wishes to disassociate herself from me. This was upsetting in itself, and sounds like the stuff of school playgrounds. Is this what the world has come to? Do friends not argue and fall out in person any more, where issues can be debated like grown ups? My concern is that by using social networking like facebook and twitter with 3D friends (defined as people I see more often face to face and have known for some time in case you forgot), we are removed from the context. I don't know about anyone else but I find it easier to have an opinion which is considered and planned out by using such mediums. I'm not sure this is always beneficial where an emotional dispute needs to occur. Saying things on the spur of the moment means that things actually get said and then dealt with. I am reminded of this tonight having spoke to two other friends who have now been banished using the facebook dumping method, they were understandably upset, and with no explanation were too shocked at the immaturity of an action.

I was also reminded this week that sometimes things said on twitter and elsewhere in the virtual world can also intentionally or unintentionally hurt people's feelings. I know the majority of people using such mediums do not mean any harm, but it does happen. It may be that someone takes things the wrong way, or has had a bad day. I'm not saying that we can protect ourselves or others from this, but I do wonder about my emotional responsibility. It sounds heavy, but it isn't. I have several friends pending in my facebook account, this is because I'm not sure who they are and I like to keep my facebook profile rather selective. However, I have not explained this to them, so as far as they know I have rejected their request. Is this rude? What is the etiquette? I also try to reply to most people who reply to me on twitter, it is basic good manners. But my question is, should there be manners and etiquette in the virtual world? I understand celebrities not responding to everyone (they would be there all day) but the few replies the most of us get are easy to manage.

I remain partially detached from social networking sites, in that they get a version of me/what I am thinking; the image I wish to project. Yet, I have found that I can still be hurt by them, I can imagine the situation where I could take a tweet/facebook comment the wrong way. The above situation is different in that I think it should have been managed differently.

I think I need to summarise this ramble, as it is a bit more unplanned than usual, so my key points are (and remember this is just my opinion, feel free to disagree/comment):-

- Social networking sites are not a replacement for open discussion with 3D friends, nor are they an appropriate way of ending any sort of relationship. At least explain such actions.

- I am aware that some people struggle with social 3D situations but if you have 3D friends I would suggest trying to keep them that way (at least some of the time). Emotions are difficult to read and often misinterpreted in the virtual world.

- It is polite to reply to people if you can, even if you don't follow them, you never know you may get to know them and follow them in the end. Unless they are rude/offensive/inappropriate etc. Us none celebrities can usually manage this most of the time.

As usual these are my thoughts, so feel free to discuss anything you think I have misjudged with me on here or twitter. Thanks for reading. (I feel better after this one, maybe it was more of a rant?).

Is ignorance bliss?

2009-11-17T23:20:00.000Z

I know I may think too much about things, but the purpose of this blog is for me to express such thoughts and prevent me ruminating on them. So here we go with another ramble about such thoughts.

In thinking about ignorance I have considered there are situations where I actually do think it is bliss, others where I’m not sure and times when I know it is not; but even those times have consequences. The only way to explain this is to consider some hypothetical and not so hypothetical situations.

Consider being in love, that first few weeks of adventure and excitement as you gradually find more out about each other. To me at that moment in time ignorance can be bliss, not knowing the annoying habits or differing views that can lead to realisation and push you apart. Love itself protects us from seeing such failings; that is if you believe that love is blind? I do, I look back on some relationships and think what was it I saw in that person? Does love protect us from absorbing that which we do not want to know? The beginning of a relationship is arguably when we are selective with what knowledge we consciously accept about the subject of our infatuation. As eloquently said by Alain De Botton (2006), “Every fall into love involves the triumph of hope over self knowledge”. Our desire for love is greater than our desire to know the facts, the real details about the person we love. But I do believe the beginning of a relationship is blissful and exciting, I also acknowledge that one which grows into something more than this and last is far more powerful, and as if you grow closer it is the knowledge of one another that bonds you. I guess the summary of the answer to my question in this instance is ignorance is bliss for a while, but then it is the make or break of an enduring relationship.

Another context where ignorance could be considered is in the media. I remember (and am a little ashamed of) the times when I believed what I read in the press. I was naive enough to think that stories were researched and facts reported. At that point in my life reading the paper was informative and enjoyable. Now I know better. I can’t even read a newspaper anymore for the fear of poor reporting and only knowing one side of the story due to some political or sales related agenda. I am well aware that I should (and now do) search for the true facts of any news story I am interested in, but honestly, I don’t have the time to find all the information I need. So I now find myself avoiding the media. I am intentionally being blissfully, well not so blissfully ignorant. Yet, this leaves me uncomfortable, I want to be more aware of current issues than I am, and like many of us, I now rely on the internet and some very intelligent bloggers who work relentlessly to find and report the holes in the mass media stories, in order to give us the facts (or their version of them). I am in a way jealous of readers of the tabloids who don’t even consider such issues; things are simple and easy, yet, I am also painfully aware of the social effects of such newspapers on the views of others, the ignorance they create is not something to envy.

“Knowledge is power.” (Sir Francis Bacon, 1597).

I almost quoted Spiderman there! I remember when I used to work in a large department store, I quite enjoyed it, and it was at times hard work. I came home from work tired and then tried to spend my time off having fun. Things were simple (don’t get me wrong I am not being negative about shop work at all, it is a perfectly respectable job). But I found I wanted more, I went to college and university, then back to shop work having not found a career, and finally back to university to train in my current profession, mental health nursing. Things are different now, I love my job but it has great responsibility and some emotional baggage (I know some people say you should leave work at work and be detached etc, but this is not always possible when you work in such an emotional field). My thirst for knowledge has brought me consequences which can, and have in the past affected me in a negative way. I am sure there are many careers do this, as you rise in a profession gaining more knowledge there will inevitably be more responsibility, which leads to more stress (for most). Even in my current career I have found this to be the case. As a nurse I had quite a lot of knowledge about the medications used in mental health and used it effectively to help my patients understand what they had been prescribed (if I was unsure I sought the facts on their behalf, I don’t know everything and am not afraid to tell patients this). But recently I qualified as a non medical prescriber, in doing so I learned a lot more about medication and prescribing issues. I can now empower my patients which is great. But, there is always a but; I now have increased responsibility (again good) and on some days worries about the impact of medication on my patient’s lives. Was I blissfully unaware of such issues? Was I a good nurse before this additional qualification? Yes, I like to think I was, but now I do occasionally envy my colleagues who do their jobs brilliantly but they get to call on someone else for the information, someone else with the responsibility of giving accurate and appropriate information to the patients. In one sense I am saying ignorance is bliss because it makes life simpler. Yet I am well aware that in this case knowledge is power and responsibility, and something which I accepted when doing the qualifications, I asked for it, I want to empower patients; and I accept the consequences fully, for the most part having this knowledge is wonderful and rewarding (although not financially, I do work for the NHS).

I can only think of one scenario where I truly think ignorance is bliss and without negative consequence, it is morbid too. I don’t want to know when I am going to die. That is unless there is something I can do to prolong my life. Of course I would want to know about a diagnosis of an illness which can be treated. But if it were a case in which nothing could be done, I personally, would rather blissfully get on with my life without the thought of impending death hanging over me. There is not a way I could know that I would be hit by a bus tomorrow and die, but if there were, I would not want it. I blissfully live not knowing when it will end. I do believe that we all should be aware of our mortality, but only in the sense that we should aspire to live our lives to the full where ever and whenever we can.

The point to this ramble, and I think there is a vague point, is that ignorance can be bliss but only until we realise the way in which knowledge can empower us. I occasionally do miss the times when my life was simpler and I was ignorant of so much, yet I would not change what I have learned. But don’t you miss being a child without a care in the world; believing that people are basically good and life is all about the moment? I think I will aim to have a few more moments like this if or when I can.

Consequences

2009-11-09T20:20:00.000Z

Here we go again with a few random, well not that random thoughts from the vaults of my mind this week. I do wonder if I over think things, but perhaps by trying to get them out in a blog I won’t focus on such things so much? Worth a try. This ramble leads on from my last blog on social networking and is on the topic of consequences. Do we think about what we write in the public arena of social networking sites and their consequences? Are there consequences? Are consequences a bad thing?

I’m not saying I sit and think about every single tweet I write, I don’t (especially drunk tweeting), but I do have a bit of a think about my facebook status updates. Well, to the extent that I think about who will read them and the impression of me they give (sometimes this leads to the thought “who cares?”). But in the case of tweeting I don’t think I do as much and should think about what I write sometimes, and that this could apply to others. Tweeting is a social activity; it involves others and therefore their emotions as much as my own. Most of the time it is inane facts about my day, links to things I like and jokes or silly stuff. But I have been pondering if there is another side to twitter, one with consequences.

I guess to explain what I mean I need to consider some examples and the perceived (or not perceived as the case may be) consequences of them. The most serious of these would be the hoax suicidal girl a week or so ago, there was really no way of telling if it was a hoax or not. We all had a few options, retweet the concern about her, ignore the tweet, pretend we didn’t see it or investigate further. These options all had consequences of some kind, to the extent that they had an (probably minor) impact on our emotions and possibly the emotions of others. For some people there was genuine concern about the suicidal girl and her friend’s concerns, to feel empathy for someone evoke an emotional response, it can bring back memories or even cause anxiety. I’m not saying we all had panic attacks about the suicidal girl, but it if was a hoax it was a cruel one. Ignoring the tweet also had consequences, I noticed that some people discussed why they did or did not retweet it, and all for justified reasons (e.g. not wanting to get involved/unsure if it was a hoax/unnecessarily giving a hoaxer publicity), but why should we defend what we do or don’t tweet? Does this suggest that our emotions are more involved with twitter than we like to think? Some people did investigate further and stated that it was a hoax, but again the hoaxer was given publicity in this reaction and I should think that the people who found this out were annoyed or frustrated; there are consequences to such tweets, they evoke an emotional and not necessarily desired reaction. But on the flip side and it was not a hoax the consequences are even more serious, if it was found that the girl did need help and we sat back assuming a hoax and missed such an opportunity, are we all collectively responsible. Personally I think I would feel guilty if I did nothing, and let’s face it; a retweet is hardly doing a lot.

That was a bit doom and gloom! I do believe there can be positive and more fun consequences to what we write on sites such as twitter. It is easy to suggest that celebrities (even z list ones) may use twitter for affirmation. By its nature twitter is basically saying “look at me, look what I did, tell me what you think” (or is it just me?). I don’t blame them at all, and I think it is certainly not limited to those in the limelight, as I said in the last blog I use it for company if I am home alone; what is the point of company if you don’t get interaction from them. In fact am I not doing the same in tweeting this blog? I guess I am, to the extent that I am expressing an opinion and asking others to give me feedback (to be honest I don’t mind negative feedback as I am interested in the psychology of the social interactions). I do think celebrities should publicise themselves on twitter, and even more so people who are not yet famous and have a talent; it is a great way of connecting with their fans. I do wonder if celebrities think of the consequences of their tweets? By this I mean the impact they can have on people’s emotions; they can stimulate discussion and influence opinion, but also a reply can be an exciting thing from a celeb; on some tiny scale we have been listened to by someone we admire. I generally don’t expect a reply from celebrities on twitter, but it can put a smile on my face and a skip in my step to get one. (Yes I am aware it may be a “fan girl” moment, but come on we all have them from time to time).

As I suggested before the emotions attached to replies are not, in my opinion limited to celebrities. Jokes shared between friends can be just what are needed to cheer someone up, and to be ignored when asking for help or support could be disheartening. My concern is the people who take twitter too seriously. I have seen celebrities get frustrated at being asked the same question repeatedly, or being when being criticised. What do they expect it is an open arena with positive feedback there will always be negative (and there are some vile rude people out there who get a kick from offending people). But for us everyday un-famous people the risk is still there; as with any social interaction we can be offended, upset, amused or thrilled, by everyday people. This is a benefit of twitter but also can be a downfall. I think it depends how you use it. If you use it in the light hearted not too serious way as it is (in my opinion) intended then it is fun. But my concern is that some people may invest too much in it, as discussed in my last blog, I don’t think it is the place in which people show their true colours all the time. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as we use it for fun, contacts and escape, but we should remember that there are more vulnerable people out there who look for more from a tweet. I am cautious in responding to people who I may assume (possibly wrongly so) to be more vulnerable; my concern is that I cannot give them what they seek, I can’t give such a level of emotional response on a public forum. If I feel I can be more supportive to some people I have got to know on twitter then I take the conversation elsewhere, privately.

I know all of this may just be me, but I am curious to know if anyone else thinks about these things. Am I over thinking the subject (probably, yes)? But social connections and the psychology surrounding them interest me. I would be interested to know anyone else’s thought. Thanks for reading and well done, I ramble for ages.

Social Networking

2009-11-06T22:58:00.000Z

Firstly, I should point out that I am not anti-social networking at all. I do it, a lot and I enjoy it. However, I wanted to consider the topic in a bit more depth. What is the real purpose of social networking sites?

The question is not as straight forward as you might think. It suggests it is to network and “meet” people, whether it be virtually or in real life. But it is not as simple as that. Yes, you can reconnect with old school friends, or work colleagues and on sites such as Facebook many people do (including me). But why do we do this? It may just be me, but yes I am intrigued to know what they are up to, so accept them as “friends” but are we really interested in being friends with all of them? There are some where to reconnect does reignite old friendships, but for the majority it is virtual eavesdropping, where we all give each other permission to spy on one another. I know we have true friends and family on such sites; by true friends I mean the people who we regularly meet in real life, the ones who we telephone or meet to find out what they are up to rather than head for facebook. But let’s face it if you deleted everyone you had not actually spoken to in the last year, your facebook friends list would be considerably shorter (speaking from my own personal experience). I am not saying it is wrong, but I am starting to think, what really is the point? Do I really need to know all of this stuff? But then I think again, there are the moments that facebook has helped create, the gigs where we all agree to meet (even the people I haven’t spoken to in over a year). The people I wish I had made an effort to stay in touch with in a more meaningful way who then get in touch with a message or a wall post. But is it worth it? There are downsides to such sites. I have friends who have posted status updates or a message, forgetting who else is in their friends list; and we have all seen the stories in the media of people who have been caught out by work.

This brings me neatly onto my next point, who are we on social networking sites? I know some people wear their hearts on their sleeve and post everything they do and feel on facebook, but I do not, and am sure others do the same as me. I consider who is going to read what I write and the impression it creates of me. I try not to be negative very often, as I assume that people do not really want to know such things on a networking site. Well, that is not entirely true, I have grumbled I have had a bad day at work, or a harsh hangover, but I mean the true deep and meaningful stuff. I don’t want everyone to know such things, let alone people I don’t know very well. It is not where I point out that I am feeling lonely, tearful or really upset by something. If I am ever feeling in such a way I think to myself, people go on facebook and twitter for fun, why would they want to listen to me whinge endlessly? But in keeping such things back I am only giving an impression of the real me. How can we truly network or make real friends on such sites if we use them in such a way?

Twitter is very different to facebook for me. I have less “real friends” on there (by that I mean people who I have known for years and see often). Yet it is easier to be more honest, it is in the moment, people don’t read too far back, so once something is said and a reaction had the moment is passed. But I still keep this guard up, why? I guess the anonymity of it is why I feel I can be more honest, but is it a true reflection of me? I say things on twitter to have fun, to join in and chat to people. But I am also aware that some people say things to get a reaction in such a moment, like the recent (alleged) hoax of a suicidal person who then deleted her account. I don’t mind that people on twitter sometimes feel upset or angry and say so as I have the option to either offer a virtual hug, advice or ignore them. I know a virtual hug sounds silly, as if it could help, but in all honesty I think it does. It is an acknowledgement that you are listening or feel for that person. It is in those instances that I choose to tread carefully. As a mental health nurse I am wary of giving advice to people I don’t actually know, I have a responsibility as a nurse to keep professional boundaries and not give ill conceived advice. But those people who I think I know better I can give brief advice (if I’m in the mood). I do imagine the scenario where I am home after a night out or a few glasses of wine and I give someone bad advice and something awful happens. Maybe I over analyse things in such cases, but it does worry me. There is a reason mental health nurse can’t go to work under the influence of alcohol!

There is a huge plus side to twitter and forum sites (and to a lesser extent facebook) for me. This year I joined a forum and twitter and found myself a little bit over involved with it for a while. I am not a loner, but do live alone and as you get to my age (nearly 30) a lot of friends have commitments (children, work and partners), so we meet less frequently. I needed something to occupy my mind, social networking filled it. The forum stimulated me to read more and develop my opinions on numerous subjects, and then twitter became my more instant gratification. Don’t get me wrong I do have a social life, but it is nice that I can have company on the internet when I am home alone. Then I started to take chances and be a bit braver, I agreed to meet one person at a gig (in a public place so not risky or stupid) and after that we later went to a festival. It went very well, we had fun and it was nice to meet someone new, someone not in my close group of friends. This escalated when I went to Edinburgh festival and met more new people, and since then had some to stay with me. I do not advocate taking unnecessary risks, or meeting strangers and putting yourself at risk, but it is a perfectly acceptable way to meet new people with common interests if you are careful. It was a fun and crazy summer and I know I have new friends from it but...

Again I wonder how much new people who I have met really know me. If I remain guarded on networking sites, where our daily contact is and we only meet for gigs, comedy shows and festivals, how much do we really know each other? I am not saying I don’t like these people I do, but for me it takes a long time to get to know someone properly. Maybe it is just that I have had the same circle of close friends since I was in school/college, we know everything about each other (well a lot anyway). I am not used to having new friends where everything is new, and there is always some initial shyness when we first meet face to face, so it takes time to really know people. I still wonder, do they know me, or an impression of me. But in the same vein I have not told all of my “real friends” the ins and outs of my adventures, as I have not seen them as much (my fault for travelling around the country), so do they now only know an impression of me? Have I changed? Has social networking changed me? I have become more outgoing; I have introduced myself to comedians and tweeters when I have seen them. I don’t think I used to be so brave.

I guess we all have different personas for different situations; seeing family, with a partner, close friends, work and on the internet. Maybe I am over thinking all of this because I am single. Past experience tells me that I would be more my true self if I were in love, especially if living with someone, you can’t really hide who you really are then, nor should you, that should be what love is about, to totally be yourself and appreciated for it.