I’m not really sure what the point of this blog entry is, but I haven’t written one in a while and I seem to have done a lot of thinking in the last week or so. Usually writing my stream of thoughts out helps me to consolidate them. So here goes…
The Moaning Bit.
I had a bit of a bad weekend last week, when a number of things went wrong. I won’t list them all here in detail but I will say the accumulation of it all hit me pretty hard. A blossoming relationship didn’t turn out how I wanted it too and it seemed that everyone I knew was either seriously ill or facing tragedy. It was a shame because I’d had a fantastic couple of days in London meeting @PharmacistScott who was over from Canada and really relaxed following the start of my new job. My internet speed being rubbish did not help (it still isn’t fixed) as I can usually distract myself online. So I took myself off twitter for a bit and wallowed in self pity (it was a bit messy).
The More Cheerful Bit.
Thankfully I have some great friends and some of them people I have met through twitter who are very supportive and let me whinge privately and get it all out of my system. I still wasn’t feeling very sociable by the beginning of the week so remained a bit quiet and decided not to attend the Skeptics in The Pub debate on Monday night. But I am extremely grateful for the tweets, DMs and texts I received. You lot are ace. Thanks.
Getting Some Perspective.
As is often the case following a stressful time, I did a lot of thinking this week and got a bit of perspective. In the wallowing phase I doubted myself a lot (as is natural) and it didn’t help that my new job is rather stressful right now. I wondered if I had done the right thing taking on so much work in this new job, can I really do it? Then if the relationship ended because of me, my personality, my nerdiness or maybe I was too keen? I then felt incredibly guilty for even thinking all of that and feeling sorry for myself when other people I knew had faced illness and tragedy.
Finally I gave myself a kick up the arse and decided enough was enough. As I have mentioned in a previous blog, I am trying to be more honest. This should include being more honest with myself. So here is what I decided.
I like me, I like my nerdiness. I should not feel embarrassed about my interests, they are a part of who I am. Not everyone will share them but they don’t have too. And I think I am overall a pretty nice person. In fact a couple of weeks ago I told the man I was seeing that I am awesome (and a little vain), there was more to it than that but at the time just telling him I had respect for myself seemed to work. I don’t see why I shouldn’t think that. I like who I am am, at least some people do like me for it. I cannot start to doubt me for being me. I can change small aspects that I don’t like so much like being more honest and assertive (for the most part that is working rather well, saying what you think tends to get you answers quickly, even if they are not always the ones you wanted to hear). I may have been keen with the bloke I was seeing, but so what? If he liked me enough he would have been that way too. The beginning of a relationship should not be a battle, it should be easy and exciting.
I am good at my job, the stress is mostly not due to my skills but the volume of work I have to do, the new role I have to learn and the need to set up boundaries within the team. These are things that will come with time, so work will get better… eventually.
An finally, shit things happen to people. All I can do is be a good friend and support them as they do me in times of crisis. I did need to remind myself that things are not always that bad. Life is full of ups and downs. And I was right. A week later things are much better. I am less worried about the people I had concerns for. I am ready to face a new week of work, to rise to the challenge. I am single again, but perhaps we weren’t right for each other. One day I will meet someone special, so until then I need to keep living life and having fun (of course that will involve a great deal of comedy, tweet ups and nerdiness).
I don’t usually write such personal drivel, but I have found I do like the process. It does help me to think more clearly. I’m not sure how appropriate it is to post it publicly. I have discussed this with fellow bloggers and we all seem to doubt whether our thoughts are of interest to anyone. I have decided I don’t really mind who reads it or what they think of it. Some of my friends may be glad to hear thinks are ok now and in the past I enjoyed getting feedback and finding that people do/do not feel/think the same way as I do.
So, thanks for reading. Sorry if it was dull to you. If you have any feedback please post a comment/tweet me/DM me, or don’t.