Sayings I won’t say

I know it is being pedantic but I have realised particularly in the last few months that there are a number of sayings and phrases commonly used that I have decided I cannot use anymore. This is not as easy as it sounds, they are on the tip of my tongue. But I have a rationale so I am trying to teach myself to not use them. I will go through them and explain why.

Good Luck

I cannot believe in luck, it is to me illogical. I don’t believe in the concept of fate, that our lives are pre-determined by some greater being/cosmic force, so I cannot believe in luck for the same reasons. I cannot use good or bad luck as excuses for things that have or haven’t happened, to me things happen because people make them happen and a series of consequences. Yet every day I see someone wish someone or me luck. My problem with this one is that I want to pass on the sentiment used by saying “Good luck” but I now refuse to use those words. It has become “I hope it goes well” but it does seem to lack the oomph that good luck has. So any suggestions for rephrasing that saying would be gratefully accepted.

Touch Wood

This one is also illogical and can be applied to all such sayings, yet I still find I have to stop myself from doing it. Let’s be honest unless you believe in some kind of luck fairy or magic wood monster, then touching wood does absolutely nothing. I don’t even know where the saying came from (and am too lazy/not interested to google it). Even as recently as this week I have found myself going to do it, a creature of habit I guess. But yet again saying “Yeah I hope so.” seems to have less impact as the act of saying and actually touching wood. But I think this is due to how common the sayings are.

God

“God knows.” “Thank God.” You get the message. Sayings with God in them. Now I realise that many people I chat with online use them out if habit, but the pedant in me cringes when I know they are atheists. They don’t “Thank God” or care/believe that “God knows”, they don’t even believe he/she/it exists, neither do I. But I know it is that they are used in every day language, people use such sayings for their implied meanings not their literal ones. I know it is a little ridiculous that it has come my bugbear, but it has. I don’t point it out to people when they use them, but I do have an grumble to myself.

Go to Hell

This one needs little explanation. As an atheist I do not believe in heaven or hell, so how can I want to tell someone to go to an imaginary place? I know it is the idea behind the saying that is implied “Go to some horrific torturous place where you will burn for eternity”, but if I were being logical and true to my believes I should say just that, for this one I do find that “Fuck off” replaces it quite nicely. And if I am in a social situation where fuck off is inappropriate, then I shouldn’t really be telling them to go to hell either, as it could also be judged as a little rude.

As sure as eggs is eggs

“Is” surely you mean “are”? Yes my pedantry knows no bounds. This one I don’t like just because the grammar sounds and feels wrong. “Eggs” is a plural so surely “are” should be used? I agree with the sentiment behind the saying it is based in logic, and yes I know that it is a jocular misquotation, but it irritates me.

I know there are many more sayings yo which I apply this logic, but they are difficult to think of when I haven’t seen them. I am not judging anyone who does use these sayings, merely pointing out that they are to me, illogical. I am slowly teaching myself to not use them, although it is not easy they are, as I said before, on the tip of the tongue just waiting for use. I’m not sure it makes me a better critical thinker at all to actually consider the meaning of what I am saying before I say it. But it is a habit I have got into. Please feel free to add any sayings you can’t stand in the comments section and of course tell me your thoughts on the matter.

Thanks for reading.

Knowledge is... scary

Prompted by a few online conversations I have realised how much I have learnt in the last year or so. Partly because I became a non medical prescriber (I blogged a bit about ignorance being bliss on this topic here). So I accumulated much more knowledge about psychopharmacology, legal and ethical issues in prescribing. But also through delving into skepticism, rationalism and critical thinking. (Let’s not forget comedy too, knowing about the comedy scene is also knowledge, perhaps not particularly useful although I have reaped some benefits.)

Don’t get me wrong, I have not mastered any of the above subjects yet. This is my point. By realising I have an interest in or a need to learn about such subjects, I have discovered how much information is out there that I do not know. It is almost overwhelming. The books I haven’t read, theories and views I don’t understand (the acts I haven’t seen yet). I realise that we can’t expect to be experts in all the subjects we have an interest in, but perhaps we do hope to acquire enough knowledge to have a reasonable informed conversation about such issues? (This is where I am ok with my comedy knowledge, but I still love to find/learn more).

I think my fear and realisation may stem from the fact that I think or assume that my memory is not very good. However, there may be evidence to the contrary. Firstly anecdotally, in a chat with a friend I said much the same and she exclaimed, “But you know loads!” and we discussed it from there. I guess I do have some knowledge about things, but I recall when at university the first time I used to memorise references for exam essays and could rattle off numerous theories and viewpoints easily. Thinking about this rationally I realise I used to study for hours in order to have such information at the forefront of my memory. Secondly, in certain subjects I do “know loads”, I know my job and am not bad on mental health law, NICE guidelines, Clozapine and ECT, but these are topics I work with on a daily basis. I am constantly learning but as a scenario crops up I can recall similar situations and figure out a solution or where to look for the answer. In my job I may be considered “an expert” (I am the Lead Clinician).

I would like to feel the same confidence in discussing other topics, one not work related but to my opinions and beliefs. However I find myself attempting to discuss the issues and relying on “Have you read...” then failing to summarise how the viewpoint in the book matched or differed from my own. I am hoping that as I read more, learn more and blog more my skills and memory for such facts may improve.

Much like when at university, and even more so when nurse training, I recall the panic in the first few weeks of not thinking I would be able to acquire all the knowledge I needed to pass the course/qualify. But bit by bit as these course progressed and my brain began to link the information and ground it in my daily knowledge, then hey presto. I knew stuff, and of course I passed and qualified. I must admit I had the same crippling fear when I began nursing and did my first week of night shifts. They were terrifying, and there were not many people around to back me up, what if I didn’t know what to do and people were busy? Thankfully in my first week of nights I had the pleasure of working with a very wise nurse (they don’t leave you on your own on nights at first) who told me “I have been a psych nurse for nearly 30 years and I am still learning.” Boom, it hit me then in that moment, I didn’t need to know everything I can keep learning, I can ask, I can look in books, journals, policies and guidance notes. From then on I was not frightened of my lack of knowledge and learned to enjoy finding things out I wasn’t so sure about, also as a team nurses and doctors constantly teach each other.

As I hoped would happen, in typing this blog, I am now panicking much less. I should treat my new thirst for knowledge and fear of a lack of it, just as I did in university and when I started nursing. I should recognise that there will come a point when the information fits together and I gain some confidence, but that I will also continue to learn from a variety of sources. Phew, I feel better now.

Thanks if you read this.

Twittiquette

I have visited this subject before, but events this week have led me to ponder etiquette on twitter further. I remain unsure of the “rules” of twitter, mainly due to the fact that people use it in very different ways. Some people use it to gather information from many sources, others like myself to chat and connect with people and I would assume that many celebrities use it as a way of promoting their work and getting feedback (and rightly so). So I guess the rules are different depending on why and how you are using it.

I followed suit with a couple of fellow tweeters and unfollowed a few people this week. Not for any negative reason, but just because I felt I was following too many people, which meant if I spent time away from twitter I was struggling to catch up. Unfollowing is difficult. I selected tweeters who had not been very active lately and one or two I thought I hadn’t connected with very much. But the whole business feels a bit rude. I have been unfollowed by a couple of people recently that I have noticed (I tried to send DMs to them) and have to admit there was an initial sting. Why would someone unfollow me? What have I done? Am I dull or irritating on twitter? (Possibly)Then I thought about it and realised it does not matter. I have plenty of followers and it is not about numbers, it is for me, about connections, so as long as I can still chat to those people it does not matter that they unfollowed me, they may also want to clear their feed a little (I do tweet a lot). So long as I haven’t been blocked, then I assume I have caused no offence. I have had conversations with a couple of tweeters that I have met who have honestly said they don’t follow me because I tweet a lot, but they will from time to time check my feed and happily chat to me if I send a @ reply. Fair enough.

I have considered unfollowing a few more people but haven’t for fear of causing offence for exactly the reasons people have unfollowed me. If people chat a lot it is sometimes too much to catch up on. A solution would be to unfollow one or two people in a group so that the connection remains but as you don’t see all of the conversations unless you follow both parties, so your feed would not be as busy. However, how do you choose without causing offence? But I also want to remain involved in some conversations and wonder if I will miss a trick if I don’t always follow everyone in those groups. Being nosey has consequences, it means I have to see all the conversations I am not so interested in or don’t have time to read just to be able to get involved in the ones I am.

To me facebook makes it clear, if someone removes me as a friend on there it sends a clear message. I have removed people who added me because we went to school together, but then did not ever chat or get in touch, what is the point? But as facebook is not like twitter as it is updated with such frequency that it is easier to manage to have more “friends” on there and keep up with it, plus I often only go on to look what one or two individuals have been up to or read blogs. Twitter is not the same you don’t actually remove the person fully unless you block them.

Twitter is a social networking tool and as I have said before I have made new friends from it. In getting to know people online I also use messenger, facebook and email with various (but not all) tweeters (usually the ones I have met face to face). The people I have got to know better tend to use email or messenger for more personal chats. I don’t tend to put really personal information on twitter (which I have explained in previous blogs). So I don’t think it is necessarily a bad thing to unfollow someone you are still friends with if you have other ways of staying in touch. You can still have conversations on twitter (so long as the person you unfollow understands and continues to follow you, or if you just regularly check each other’s feed). I would unfollow celebrities and comedians if I was not amused or interested by them, but sometimes there is an ulterior motive, such as that they may give me information about gigs etc. With non celebs it is a much harder choice to make.

I think I can manage my current level for now, but if I struggle again I may have to reconsider who I follow. I am curious to know other people’s thoughts on unfollowing people. Does it feel personal? Does it matter if you are still in touch in other places like facebook, forums, messenger and via email?

Is blood thicker than water?

I am not stupid I know it is in the literal sense, but that is not what I want to ponder in this blog. Some things have happened with friends and family over the last few weeks (which I won’t go into detail about) which have left me wondering what it means to be “family”.

There seems to be an assumption that if you are related by blood or on some minute genetic level then you must automatically have a connection with and love that person. I disagree. There I said it. I do not love everyone in my family, is that controversial? I love all of my friends, if I didn’t we wouldn’t be friends we would be colleagues, friends who drifted apart or in the extreme enemies. I cannot choose my family, but genetics will not and cannot dictate my emotions. To me love is a connection, a mutual respect and liking of someone else, not having the knowledge that someone we are related to had sex resulting in a person’s existence.

In all honesty I do not like everyone in my family, I can even go as far to say there is one person I actually hate, I wouldn’t spit on him if he was on fire. I know that is a harsh statement, but obviously I have reasons for such feelings. That is my point; there are actions and consequences which lead to emotions. I am aware that evolution would suggest that I would have some innate need to protect my gene pool, and in a sense I do. But we have evolved since then and are now very complex creatures; it is no longer about survival of the fittest. The remnants of this evolutionary need are still there, I don’t know whether it is genetics, or the logical reasoning I give to it, but yes I do on some level care about my family. I still don’t love them all, the depth of the relationships are in groups, close family, people I know, who know me, we get on, we enjoy spending time together, I love those people (even if I don’t see them very often). Then the family I have spent lots of time with over the years, but perhaps not so much recently, our fond memories bond us and keep the love there, some of these people I wish I knew better, something I can remedy. Then the relatives I know, in that I know they are alive, but not much of their personalities, we have never spent much time together, I don’t know their interests, nor they mine. This is where I honestly don’t think I can say there is any love. There is some level of emotion, but in thinking about it logically, I think that it is that I care if something happens to those people because it will have an emotional impact on the people in my inner family circles, and I do love them. Then there are the relatives I have not met. In all honesty, I don’t know or care about those people, unless someone I am close to does, then I have the need to protect the distant relatives from harm in order to protect the feelings of those I do love. I’m aware this all sounds very harsh, but I honestly think it is true.

I guess I should admit that this partially because I have examined my feelings when some long lost relatives got in touch recently. We haven’t seen them in over 10 years, since they were very young. I don’t know them, so I don’t love them. Is this wrong, something tells me it is, but I have the need to be honest with myself. I’m not saying over time I won’t love them, but I also might not like them. I don’t understand the social need for me to have an instant connection with these people. Yes we have some aspect of shared history, but whether we get on will depend on if we both think we are nice people, we have common interests and values.

I have some close friends who know me much better than some of my family, I feel closer to them. I have discussed with such friends my feeling about them and family and they understand my logic. These feeling were concreted recently when I considered my will, thinking about which of your possessions and how much money would go to whom after I die puts a lot in perspective. I won’t be around to face the consequences of my actions, so I can be blunt and honest (although I must admit there were some token gifts to save my Mum some heartache). In doing this I realised I have lots of people close to me who I love, not all of them family. I have realised that if I don’t like someone I cannot love them, I don’t believe in the social construct that you have to love your family, “You may not like them, but you love them, they are family.” Wrong! I cannot have two conflicting emotions about one person. If I don’t like them, I don’t love them. I care if something happens to them because of the fall out, the consequences of this that someone I do love may be in distress, this should not be confused with love.

Thanks for reading, as usual please feel free to disagree with me, debate or comment via my blog, email or twitter.

Mental Health

I was inspired to write this blog when I saw this link and pledged to talk more about mental health. Mental health awareness is very important and not promoted enough. Of course I am a mental health nurse so I would say this, but if you read my blog regularly I need to ramble on such things, this is me trying to get my thoughts on mental health issues straight in my own head and hopefully encourage you to promote mental health awareness.

Of course in my chosen profession I think mental health awareness is extremely important. I see first-hand how stigmatising mental health problems can be, and sometimes from surprising places. I find than even other medical professionals who do not work in mental health have preconceived ideas about people with mental health problems, assuming they will be disruptive or need an escort for a procedure or test. This is not always the case, to me it should be our judgement as staff who know the *patient/client/service user (*choose your preferred term, I will use patient from now on) to decide if they need such support or of there is any risk. They do not ask every person who comes from home to have a nurse escort for an x-ray or some other test, do they? And to be honest a lot of the general public are much more scary than a person with mental health problems.

People ask me what it is like to work on a mental health ward, and in all honesty it can be very busy and stressful, but the reason why I and many other people choose it as a profession is that we get to meet some really nice people. Yes, they are unwell but to see improvement in them is our reward. And regardless of mental health problems, the patients still have a personality, they are people with feelings and opinions, yes they can be a bit muddled up in the case of psychosis but such people are still likeable/admirable/intelligent/nice people even in an acute episode. In the same vein, yes there are people I don’t particularly get on with too, but I am not expected to like everyone, so long as I fulfil my duty of care and treat them all with the respect I expect, it is fine.

The thing that annoys me most about other people’s perceptions of people with mental health problems is, well there are several...

• - They are not deaf or stupid, there is no need to talk really slowly or patronise them. They may have difficulty concentrating if really unwell (as they often are when admitted to acute wards), but this means you should keep it clear and simple in such cases and not always expect a coherent answer (I mean this when patients are really unwell not when recovered). Be patient and considerate, give them some time if it is obvious they are struggling. But most of all if they are an adult, speak to them as if they are one, they or their carer will tell you if further explanation is needed. Have some respect. You don’t know their level of functioning, don’t just assume it is very poor.

• - People get better and have full lives to varying degrees. Some mental health problems mean people need to relearn skills such as caring for themselves or social interaction. Some people need support for a long time or even their whole lives, but others recover more quickly and should not be “labelled” or assumed to be “crazy” or unable to function as well as you or I. I have seen people from many professions and for the want of a better word “classes” have issues with mental health problems. It can affect anyone at any time in their lives. Yes some social groups may be more likely to suffer such illnesses due to poverty, stressors, environment, social upbringing, nutrition, alcohol or illicit substance misuse. But none of us are immune. Many people have a serious mental health problem and either recover or learn to manage the symptoms and live happy and full lives. If you hear someone has had mental health problems, don’t make assumptions.

• - Getting back to work can be a big step. If people have not worked for months or years due to a serious mental health problem, it can be daunting. Such issues are made worse by the fact that employers can harbour such negative perceptions of mental health problems. When in reality, if they were unable to function at a level to do a job most patients would not even be applying. Judgements should not be made from a mental health problem being listed on an application form, meet the person and decide for yourself, ask questions. Everyone is different. Some people will only ever have one episode of mental health problems, others may have repeated episodes, but ask about coping strategies and relapse signatures (if they are comfortable talking to you about it and it is appropriate, again don’t assume they want to talk).

• I know I work at one extreme of the spectrum of mental health problems, but I do know from my work with outpatients and personal experiences that there is a stigma which can be very damaging for more than the above reasons. Even people who are managed by their GP face such problems. Mental health is not discussed enough fairly in the media. Even this week I saw a “celebrity” on the news talking about her mental health problems and sensationalising them. This does not help. Over exaggerated or dramatic stories or statements do not give the perception of most people’s experience. Celebrities need to think about the influence they have on the general public, use research and facts. Yes, by all means tell their story (as dramatically as they like, if they must), but remember it is not how everyone will experience such problems, they should promote using GPs, psychiatrists and the treatments available, seeking help is often the hardest step. They should not fall into the trap of reinforcing the negative perceptions of mental health.

In all I am saying, don’t make assumptions about people with mental health problems, talk to people about mental health issues, encourage others to do the same. We need to foster a society where it is possible to be open about such issues and have open discussion.

Thanks for reading, comments, tweets or emails of your thoughts would be lovely if you don’t mind and have the time.

Twitter friends?

This blog is a little more personal than I usually write, but as always the purpose of it is to help me get my thoughts straight. It is not intended to be a moan, I hope that is not how it is perceived.

I recently experienced twitter paranoia, a moment where I wondered if I should use it at all. A crisis of twaith (sorry). Of course I still do, but I need to explore why such a moment occurred.

There are groups of people on twitter who chat regularly, I first joined when a bunch of people from the angry (feet) forum did so I was lucky to experience such a friendly crowd. However, occasionally being in a group can be very lonely when you feel less included. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that you can’t always be central in conversations, even with groups of people you “know” online. Thinking about it rationally once the moment has passed, I realise perhaps I was not that chatty enough on the day in question, a little grumpy maybe.

I also wonder how I can have so many followers yet only a few of them chat or respond to tweets. I go through my followers every now and then and remove suspected spambots, or the ones that are just following me due to a random word, unless of course they look like fun, then they can stay. Surely there can’t be that many lurkers? Not that there is anything wrong with it, it just makes me curious. I don’t tweet anything very exciting, I’m not very funny, it is just mundane every day thoughts, a few links and the occasional drunk tweet. How or why do they continue to follow me?

I know a part of my little crisis was thinking too much, I have a habit of this. I was considering how much people on twitter really know me. The answer is they don’t. A few know more about me than others as we have over the last year or so divulged information and got to know each other’s humour and tastes. But is that really knowing someone? When do you really know someone? Should you attempt such a task through twitter? At the end of the day it is a social networking site, but I understand it is mostly superficial (I have blogged about such issues before, see here). I have made some true friends through twitter, people who have got in touch outside of the twitterverse and been there when I needed them, but we are still getting to know each other properly. I guess it is hard making new friends, as I have a group of friends I have had for many years, new ones tend to not come along that often. I seem to be over thinking it don’t I? I know logically you can’t decide when someone is a friend or just someone you know, but to me it is when conversation is easier in real life, when you feel comfortable chatting about more than common interests such as comedy. I must also remember that they may thinking similar things.

So on the night in question I was lurking (as I often do) and saw some conversations about plans to meet up, it was for an event I cannot attend. If I wanted to go I would have asked if it was ok and met everyone else, I wouldn’t expect an invite, there are too many shows and I don’t travel for them that much. But then I pondered on their interactions, and at that time believed they were all friends, not just people who know each other and meet up sometimes, but true friends. I admit I was a little jealous. After some sleep I realised this was ridiculous. I have made friends through twitter. Feeling more comfortable with them not only takes time, but effort on my part. Effort to meet, to chat and to be less superficial. I also think I perhaps underestimate some of the friendships I have made, it is possible.

I think another string to the bow was that I had discussed on twitter the possibility of me moving to London. I would like to live in London, but there are some practical issues to overcome. When chatting I got a little excited at the prospect, thinking... well I know people, there are all my twitter friends so I won’t be lonely. Then it hit me, the realisation that online relationships and real life ones can be a very different thing. As I have said before, who I am on twitter is an impression of me. I choose what people should know. I don’t always express my frustrations, anger or even my happiness. It depends who I want to know such things. I then thought moving to London was an insane idea, to a city where I don’t know anyone, or my way around and I have no friends. Of course in the light of day, there are people who I could get to know, who I assume would meet me for drinks etc and we would become better friends. I’m not saying I am moving to London but in thinking about it, it is not impossible really.

Having over thought all of the above I realised, I love twitter because of its superficial nature. I can have silly, random chats it is not about how dull or stressful work was that day, or the current family dispute, it is light hearted and fun. I am in contact with some tweeters more than others, but happy to chat to new ones too. It is about exploring people. Fair enough, they may not ever meet me or become true friends, but some might. I may meet some people and they may remain just people I know, but I cannot guess the future. I should just enjoy the ride.

I feel better about it all now, it was a silly moment, it has passed. Thanks for reading. I would love to hear any thoughts.

Los Quattros Cvnts

I don’t often blog about comedy nights as my blog is usually used for thinking things through, but this week has been so great it deserves a ramble, so here goes.

LOS QUATTROS CVNTS

I have seen these four cunts before at their first show in November, so I was excited to go again (I did try another time, but it was cancelled so we had beer instead, lots of beer, but that is a story I will not tell on here). This time was different, firstly there was no Jeremy Limb as he decided to go cruising in Rio instead, however it was explained to us that this did not make it Los Trio Cunts (Michael Legge, Dan Mersh and Paul Litchfield) as there were two special guests who would help out as well as doing their own sets, Bennett Arron and Jeremy Lion (aka Justin Edwards). The other difference was that there were even more twitter people/podophiles (if you don’t know what a podophile is then Google Precious Little) to meet this time, it was quite a gathering. A few of us arrived in London nice and early and got to The Phoenix for around 5pm, the show didn’t start until 8pm but it gave us all time to chat and eat, ok and maybe drink a little.

Finally we took our seats, a great couple of tables one right at the front and one just to the side. If you haven’t been to The Phoenix before it is a great but intimate venue, so we were very close to the action. Oh I nearly forgot...

WARNING – My memory is a bit crap, so do feel free to correct me or tell me details I missed out if you were there and I will edit the blog. Oh and I would say there are spoilers, except each show is rather unique where LQC is concerned although there may be running themes/characters.

The show started grandly with the William Tell Overture blaring out of the sound system, however as the cvnts entered the stage they began pointing at a man in the front row in a rhythmic way, we were encouraged to join in, so of course we did. I have no idea how the man kept a straight face throughout the entire song but I applaud him.

Then followed some brief banter about the name of the show, trying not to say the cuntword because “the telly” was in. Then came the only “safe” sketch they could do for the telly people, The Party Sketch, a very funny play on the familiar face scenario, “I’m sure we’ve met before, where have we met before?”. Let’s just say it got a bit shouty.

I can’t remember the exact order of sketches so I will summarise the best bits (all of it).

The O’Flaherty Brothers and Billy Sunday made another appearance with another scary item of knitwear worn by Billy (Michael Legge). True to his nature Billy Sunday interrupted and objected to any attempts to sing lovely Irish folk songs, this time saying he wanted to do rap instead. He then proceeded into a tirade of gangsta style ranting mostly about putting a cap in yo ass mo fo. I did think the vein in the side of his head was about to burst as he got more and more red in the face.

The Erotica Sketch – Sean Golsworthy (played by Paul Litchfield) apparently he made his first appearance last time and read from his great literary works of erotica. This time we were in for a treat as there was a sci-fi theme which was “immediately and suddenly” about sex robots. In chatting to Paul after I believe the character may make further appearances at LQC which will be a treat.

Agony Uncle Doctor Party – This character was fantastically camp (well done Michael, I don’t know how you pulled it off) and I have no idea how Dan managed to keep a straight face as he read the letters out. I will say Doctor Party not only has some (well just one piece really) advice to overcome problems but he also has some fantastic dance moves. I loved that they pushed it with a rather controversial letter at the end from a lady who had been “locked in a cellar for 18 years...” it sounds wrong to say it was brilliant but it was.

History Sketch – Bennett Arron helped out on this one. I cannot remember all of the details but it was a summary of history as found on Wikipedia. It was definitely a “you had to be there sketch” as they confused history and tried to hide a baby. Bennett Arron looked almost in pain as he played Yoko Ono and had to do a dreadful accent.

TV ideas for BBC3 – Justin Edwards played the producer on this one, he rapidly binned numerous ever more increasingly ridiculous TV programme ideas, one of my favourites being a reality TV programme where we vote to put celebs in prison.

Improv Sketch – This one was made even more hilarious by the fact that Tara Flynn was sat just behind us in the audience (if you didn’t know, her and Michael are in London Improv a really good improv group which also plays at The Phoenix). They did a few improv games which were a comical view of how not to do it. My favourite part was the open scene game, usually the audience would give the improve group a name, a place and maybe a line, just two or three details and the sketch would begin. So of course open scene cvnts style we gave a name (Olivia), first line (breathe deeper), famous person (The Moomins), type of car she drove (The Bat tank), shoe size (4 or 7) and many more details, with pauses between so that Paul could “warm up” for each bit of added information. Just as the cvnts began to actually do the sketch, Sarah who I was sat next to shouted out the first line “Breathe deeper” as it was evident they had already forgotten that detail, they stumbled and then Paul pulled the shutter down (metaphorically) and closed the fourth wall, so he could no longer hear her. Of course the final resulting sketch was “Breathe deep Olivia, oh look The Moomins, the end”.

Bennett Arron’s Jesus Sketch – We were lucky to have a special guest, Jesus, who had only just started doing stand up, looked very nervous and uncomfortable in his unsecure beard. There were funny lines, we nerdy people particularly like “I don’t believe in Richard Dawkins, I don’t go to churches and pray to him, or as you call it The Bloomsbury”.

So as you can see a jam packed set from Los Quattros Cvnts, it was time for a short interval and then the special guests.

Bennett Arron – I hadn’t seen Bennett before his short set revolved largely around him being a Welsh Jew, and although I laughed at several bits (Jew Jitsu in particular) and enjoyed the anecdotes he didn’t appear very comfortable, and I was unsure if it was on purpose or not. Difficult to tell from such a short set.

Jeremy Lion – Another performer I had never seen before, although I did watch his 12 days of Christmas on YouTube, see here so I had some idea what to expect from an alcoholic children’s entertainer. Jeremy told us he is working on his Edinburgh fringe show and plans to teach the children about the environment this year. He then proceeded to sing the song “Ten Green Bottles” and as he recycled each bottle he pointed out what good that would do for the environment, e.g. save a baby seal. The only problem being that you are not allowed to recycle bottles when they are still full of booze, the blue WKD and wine seemed particularly painful and "Baileys, nature's Gaviscon!", all hilarious. I will go and see his show in Edinburgh, just to see if he can survive an hour of doing that!

As you can imagine it was definitely worth the trip down to London to see all of that, and then it was great to hang around for drinks and chat to everyone after. The highlights of that are as follows...

Finally saying hello to Dan Mersh! I have seen the cvnts a couple of times and spoke to them but for some reason Dan remained elusive. This time Sarah and I cornered him, it turns out he is a really nice guy, despite being off the telly! And yes he is the guy in the crunchy nut advert with the laptop umbrella.

Vicki making us all framed drawings of our avatars, they were ace and we all loved them. Although James Hingley did look a little bit shocked and scared.

Chatting to Tara Flynn about her Edinburgh show, which sounds amazing, so you should all make sure you go and see her.

Carl Austin (Tara’s husband and the love of Michael Legge’s life) making the statement “Emmerdale makes my anus itch!” Even with context it was a very random but funny statement to make.

Standing in the doorway with Andy, when a tramp stood between us and asked for 20p, I said I didn’t have my purse on me, which I didn’t (it was inside) and Andy said he couldn’t spare it. The tramp looked at us with disgust and turned to walk away; as he did he bent down and picked something up off the floor. He then turned and shouted “I’ll just fucking have this then shall I?” waving a £20 note at us. Jammy bastard.