Is blood thicker than water?

I am not stupid I know it is in the literal sense, but that is not what I want to ponder in this blog. Some things have happened with friends and family over the last few weeks (which I won’t go into detail about) which have left me wondering what it means to be “family”.

There seems to be an assumption that if you are related by blood or on some minute genetic level then you must automatically have a connection with and love that person. I disagree. There I said it. I do not love everyone in my family, is that controversial? I love all of my friends, if I didn’t we wouldn’t be friends we would be colleagues, friends who drifted apart or in the extreme enemies. I cannot choose my family, but genetics will not and cannot dictate my emotions. To me love is a connection, a mutual respect and liking of someone else, not having the knowledge that someone we are related to had sex resulting in a person’s existence.

In all honesty I do not like everyone in my family, I can even go as far to say there is one person I actually hate, I wouldn’t spit on him if he was on fire. I know that is a harsh statement, but obviously I have reasons for such feelings. That is my point; there are actions and consequences which lead to emotions. I am aware that evolution would suggest that I would have some innate need to protect my gene pool, and in a sense I do. But we have evolved since then and are now very complex creatures; it is no longer about survival of the fittest. The remnants of this evolutionary need are still there, I don’t know whether it is genetics, or the logical reasoning I give to it, but yes I do on some level care about my family. I still don’t love them all, the depth of the relationships are in groups, close family, people I know, who know me, we get on, we enjoy spending time together, I love those people (even if I don’t see them very often). Then the family I have spent lots of time with over the years, but perhaps not so much recently, our fond memories bond us and keep the love there, some of these people I wish I knew better, something I can remedy. Then the relatives I know, in that I know they are alive, but not much of their personalities, we have never spent much time together, I don’t know their interests, nor they mine. This is where I honestly don’t think I can say there is any love. There is some level of emotion, but in thinking about it logically, I think that it is that I care if something happens to those people because it will have an emotional impact on the people in my inner family circles, and I do love them. Then there are the relatives I have not met. In all honesty, I don’t know or care about those people, unless someone I am close to does, then I have the need to protect the distant relatives from harm in order to protect the feelings of those I do love. I’m aware this all sounds very harsh, but I honestly think it is true.

I guess I should admit that this partially because I have examined my feelings when some long lost relatives got in touch recently. We haven’t seen them in over 10 years, since they were very young. I don’t know them, so I don’t love them. Is this wrong, something tells me it is, but I have the need to be honest with myself. I’m not saying over time I won’t love them, but I also might not like them. I don’t understand the social need for me to have an instant connection with these people. Yes we have some aspect of shared history, but whether we get on will depend on if we both think we are nice people, we have common interests and values.

I have some close friends who know me much better than some of my family, I feel closer to them. I have discussed with such friends my feeling about them and family and they understand my logic. These feeling were concreted recently when I considered my will, thinking about which of your possessions and how much money would go to whom after I die puts a lot in perspective. I won’t be around to face the consequences of my actions, so I can be blunt and honest (although I must admit there were some token gifts to save my Mum some heartache). In doing this I realised I have lots of people close to me who I love, not all of them family. I have realised that if I don’t like someone I cannot love them, I don’t believe in the social construct that you have to love your family, “You may not like them, but you love them, they are family.” Wrong! I cannot have two conflicting emotions about one person. If I don’t like them, I don’t love them. I care if something happens to them because of the fall out, the consequences of this that someone I do love may be in distress, this should not be confused with love.

Thanks for reading, as usual please feel free to disagree with me, debate or comment via my blog, email or twitter.